When will it get better

• As always a lot has been on my mind lately. I am still in the process of looking for a job. There is a very good chance that I get one or two calls from stops I made on Friday before I got lost. I spent Thursday night up in Monaca and nowhere up there is hiring...not even at the mall. It's sad!!! So right now my best bets are the Kennel down the road and a Video Store in Ellwood City. Kind of sad...I applied for a few jobs I found on craigslist.com today. One of them would be mostly from home with very little travel. Kind of cool and perfect for a part time to start job. There was one for a Chiropractic office starting at $11 to $15 but it is in the Cranberry/Wexford area. The last one was in Baden but it also paid well...I don't remember what it was for though.

• It has been rainy but HOT here lately...I love it. Sunday the dog got a bath. She smells so much better now. It doesn't kill me to wake up next to her anymore...lol...they put her in my room when they leave and she always winds up curled up in a ball right next to me. Once the truck is done I'm going to see if Dad will put the bed back in that room but the truck is more important. The floor is very comfortable...I know you all think that is crazy talk but I love it on the floor. If i were allowed I would totally set up my tent in the yard for the summer and sleep out there but I'm not because it would make a brown patch in the grass...lol. No biggie!!

• I have been having crazy real feeling dreams lately too. I won't describe them because they are very personal. I am glad I am having them but it's kind of scary sometimes. They are so real and I really wish they were truly happening but I wake up and they aren't real at all. But hey they are supplying my creativity. I have written more poems lately than almost ever before. Actually I posted a poem that I wrote while I was down in Mississippi on Facebook today. I can't believe I did it but it is still there and that also surprises me. Normally I probably would have deleted it by now. I have only let one person read anything I wrote and now all of my Facebook friends can read one. It is a very deep and emotional one too. I feel very exposed but it is too late now it is up there and I'm not taking it down at all. I hope I get some comments as to whether people like it or not.

• So there isn't much else I can actually think about saying right now so I will try to post again soon. Hopefully I will get some good news soon as to a job or two and that will go up here. Maybe I will get other good news as well. I miss all my Utah friends and family!!! Later!!

White Flag

• So life has been kind of interesting lately. I won't go into details but I will say that life as I know it is over and a new life has once again began. I love my new found exhilaration and freedom. Now if only I could find myself a job. I am going out tomorrow to look at a few places hope that I get something by next week.

• There isn't much of anything new to say. But I have tried a few new recipes the last couple days. I made the brown sugar chicken last night but I added some Mrs. Dash to the spices and added a few other spices. It was AMAZING but burned the mouth more than anything you could imagine. I love spicy but sometimes it is just too much. Tonight I tried Lemon Garlic Shrimp on the grill. All I did was brushed on lemon juice and then poured on garlic. It was ok but it could have been better. I accidentally burned it on the grill which isn't surprising...I burn everything on the grill...lol. Tomorrow I'm going to do breakfast for dinner because it is quick and easy.

• As for school. I am hoping to be able to start in September but I may have to take the student loans for the first semester or two. I don't know what to do though. I promised myself that I wouldn't take a loan for school ever again. Even if I worked three jobs though I wouldn't be able to get a car and laptop by the time school starts. So I will probably wait until the Spring term starts and not take the student loan.

• Oh and I have fallen in love with a few more shows. I started watching this show called Pretty Little Liars on ABC Family. It is an amazing show and I can't wait for the next episode. It is just another teen drama...imagine that. The other show is called Covert Affairs on USA. Amazing!!! I love the Teen drama's and Spy type shows. So now I got Monk, Psych, Chuck, and Covert Affairs and Burn Notice in the Spy category. And way too many to name under the teen drama and comedy categories. I also like my doctor shows like ER, House, Grey's Anatomy, Mercy, etc.

• But all in all life is changing and my heart is breaking all over again. Why did I give my heart away years ago? It has made my life impossibly hard, but I have learned to manage and make it through life. But when it comes down to it my heart will always be breaking until I either get it back or my holding out pays off. There is a song by Dido that describes how I feel oh so well. It is called White Flag and it describes my feelings so very well anymore.

Starting Over...

• So I worked out some numbers earlier today and I can totally make this all work out...I may have to work two (maybe 3) jobs at one time but it's not like that is something new for me anyways. It would be great if I could work at both K-Mart and Giant Eagle or Fashion Bug but I'm not going to let myself get my hopes up too much. I would be happy to just get one job right now. It is the first time in forever that I will actually have have money to put into other things besides bills. I will still be putting a few hundred into bills only two left and I will have them paid off by the end of the year. Hopefully by the end of next month I will have a couple thousand saved and I can buy a cheap car. I don't care about looks car wise right now I am not going to get a loan so whatever I can get for whatever I have saved that will get me where I need to go is all that I'm going to worry about.

• There are a lot of things I want but more than anything I NEED to pay off this debt. I am going to work out a budget and live by it every month. My first paycheck or two are kind of going to suck since they will go towards paying to having my stuff shipped home from Deb's house and paying my parents back. I am also going to be catching up the First Financial since it is a month past due already. The Dell payment will be late but it is better than getting behind on two bills.

• Anyways, job wise. I have to call Giant Eagle again tomorrow to see if they are still hiring. The hiring manager wasn't in when I called today. K-Mart well the HR manager there was leaving when I talked to her so she is going to call me on Friday and HOPEFULLY I will get an interview. I am going to go into Chippewa tomorrow and apply for more jobs. There is an Animal Hospital in Darlington that I am going to apply to as well. At least there it would be more what I'm looking for, office work, and it may pay a bit more with better hours. Who knows though. But like I said, I may have to work two jobs in order to make all my plans work out but it wouldn't be the first time and I am ready for it. If it weren't so far away I would totally work at Sam's Club if they offered me the same as the one at Layton did, $14/hour. But it is almost a 45 minute drive and the truck which I will be driving till I get a car sucks up the gas. I would probably spend my entire paycheck on gas which would suck.

• I can't wait to get a job. I may not be able to spend much at first but I plan to put aside a little bit of money every payday to have some fun. I also look forward to the White Elephant's at the Family Reunion's and the beach in August. I kind of wish I could have a car by our beach trip but there is no way that is going to happen unless I work a full time and a part time job both at $8.50 or more an hour. Which there is always the possibility of I guess. I won't get my hopes up but I will still dream that it is possible.

• Although, the first thing I get after a car is a brand new laptop...of course in cash. After that any money I make will go to savings and doing some major snowballing on my Dell bill. If I can manage to pay $500 a paycheck on Dell it would be gone in two months. Then I would just have to worry about the First Financial and I could throw a lot at that one. So I may end up staying here till the end of the year. I haven't worked everything out in my mind yet but if I can get rid of the debt by the end of the year then I can pretty much go anywhere and do anything that I want. Being debt free will be amazing and I will NEVER get another credit card in my life. I will only go to school if I have the money and I get enough financial aid (grants and scholarships). I won't get another loan for school.

• Which reminds me! I heard today that I was awarded $2,900 in grants for school. They don't go into effect until Spring 2011 so I have time to save the rest of what I need. I still plan on taking classes online but I may move down to Maryland so that I can be near the no fee testing centers and all that. But like I said, who knows what will happen. I may end up else where. I am done planning where I will end up but I still have a goal to live in all fifty states. I don't know why that is so important to me but I want to be able to say I have lived in all fifty states. I will end up somewhere that is warm year round in the end though I think. I love the snow but I LOVE the heat even more.

• I totally got off topic there. I am so excited to start school in the fall it may sound strange but I love learning. Especially when it comes to English and History. I really want to get any math and science classes I HAVE to take out of the way first so that I can focus on all the fun classes. But I am registered as an English Major and I believe a History Minor. I am really excited. If I could find an online photography class I would totally major in that as well...lol. But that isn't very likely at all.

• I guess you could say that my future is starting to look good again. I am afraid to move forward but really excited as well. My life has become my own again and I am happy to say that I am ready to move forward and stop looking back. Well it is midnight and I have been writing for a while now. I must head to bed another day of cleaning the kitchen and then giving the dog a bath ahead of me. Hopefully it isn't too bad outside tomorrow.

• I will keep you updated as I head towards my goal of becoming debt free. Also next week I start working out daily. Another goal is to stay in shape and that means working out daily. But I will keep you updated on both of these goals. Later!!!

I have been having issues with something called patience lately. I know everybody has these issues and I usually don't struggle with them this much but lately I have been. There isn't much I can say except that it is hard to handle. I can't imagine not having this trial in my life. Every trial in our lives is there for a reason and we either make it through or we don't. I expect to make it through this one because it is just something oh so stupid and all this time. So I am totally sitting here watching The Karate Kid. The original...I forgot how awesome of a movie it was. I also watched Flicka 2 and it was amazing. And OMG Remember Me!!! crazy good. I loved the ending...it was kind of depressing but still amazing. I don't think there is another way in this world to end it. I don't want to ruin the movie so I won't say anything else about them. I was so hoping to be able to put them on my hard drive but apparently the disk drives don't work on this computer and I won't put the program on mom's laptop...she'd kill me. Nobody uses this computer so nobody would know it was on here...lol. Tomorrow I think I will finish Four Daughters, watch Flicka 2 again and watch When In Rome...Rachel has it somewhere. I don't know what else to say but tomorrow looks like swimming and hopefully I get interviews next week. I need at least TWO jobs to get all the money I need for a car and the bills. Life is throwing me curve balls and I am keeping my eye on the ball and eventually I will hit it out of the park. But right now I am still in the game and playing hard. Next week I get to clean the kitchen top to bottom...FUN!!! That's all for now...later

Be Not Nobody!!!

• So lately my life has been pretty dang screwed up. I don't know what to say except that when trials get dropped in my lap it isn't one at a time but four or five at a time. I am slowly making it through all of my trials. I will say that music and GLEE have helped me through the last couple weeks. I don't know what I would do without music and GLEE.
• On that note...when I first heard about it GLEE sounded like it would be completely and utterly lame. Boy was I wrong. Debbie happened to have the GLEE Vol I. soundtrack and we listened to it almost every time we were in her car. I fell in love with the music and the singers. So when I got home to PA I started watching the episodes...OMG!!! I will definitely be getting the Seasons on DVD and watching the second season come fall. I also want all the music...I have been going a bit crazy with the youtube videos from GLEE on facebook...lol. I think I have listened to their regionals video on my facebook links like 500 times in the last couple days.
• I have applied everywhere that I can job wise so now I'm just waiting to hear back from all the places. I am kind of hoping to get a job at Wal-Mart and somewhere else. I have to keep myself busy this summer so that I can make lots of money. Maybe I will get a job at AppleBee's or the Hot Dog Shoppe. I want to be able to get myself a car and be living near the beach come October or November. So two jobs it is all summer in order to do that.
• At least there are only a few major things I plan to do this summer and they aren't until August so I should be good. Those things are the Mattocks and Ketcham reunions (August 1 and August 7) and then the trip down to Myrtle Beach with the family. Aunt Brenda, Aunt Kim, Josh, Grammie, and Uncle David are all coming too. Then camping over Labor Day weekend (well most likely...I haven't decided yet).
• It should be a crazy and extremely FUN summer. Lots of hanging out with Sirena too. From the sounds of it every Tuesday will be Boardman night. Every Tuesday at Movies 8 is $1 movies all day...if there are good movies playing it is totally worth spending the day in Boardman just chilling. Hopefully I will get to hit a Pirates game or two and maybe some swimming and other fun stuff as well.
• That's about all I have to say for now. Update you again real soon.

Everything happens for a reason!!!!

• This past week I have had the chance to actually sit back and figure out where my life went wrong. I realized that the path my life has gone down was one that I had to follow. However, I have also realized that when something goes wrong in my life I always wind up back at home. It is a place that I feel safe and know I can have the space to work my issues out.
• A lot of people may hate the heat and the humidity but I love it. I live for it in fact. I will end up in a place that is warm and humid year round. If it is on the beach that makes it better in the long run but it isn't a stipulation.
• I have been home less than a week and I already know exactly where my life will go next. There is a lot I want out of my life and I am going to work my butt off to achieve all my goals. I am going to spend the summer working and paying off the last couple bills. I'm going to get myself my own car and insurance. I will have the money to start a savings account (in other words my emergency fund). I am going to work my butt off in order to pay off my bills this summer and make it easier on myself to get a place of my own elsewhere when the summer is over.
• My goal is to have a truck or car in the next month. I should be down to just the First Financial Bank by the end of August and that should be half gone as well. I am hoping to have a few hundred at least in a savings account. I am going to budget my money every month from now on and stick to that budget. I learned a lot with Deb's help and I am going to keep all those things in mind as I continue down the road of being debt free. At the end of August I will be able to get a place of my own and actually enjoy my life. Maybe head back to school again.
• Everything happens for a reason. My life is full of odd things that happen for a reason. I don't regret any of them and I don't enjoy all of them but I do need all of them. I wouldn't change a thing in my life. There are people in my life that I could never forget and I love them for everything they have done for me. Thanks to everybody who has been a major part of my life. You will always have a place in my heart y'all.

OH WHAT FUN!!!!

• So I haven't had the chance to update this blog in forever because a lot has happened. I'm not going to go into everything here but most of the people who read this know most of what has happened so we'll leave it at that for now. I don't even remember the last time I updated but I think it was Memorial Day so we'll start with after that.
• Well Tuesday and Wednesday I went to base to get paperwork and appointments out of the way. Thursday was my birthday so there was a small party. It was a fun night...the day wasn't all that great but I really enjoyed the evening. It was the first time I had, had a party in like forever. Deb and her family came and Amanda and the boys came. I couldn't have asked for more.
• Friday I left Salt Lake City at noon-ish and spent the day in airports going to Biloxi, Mississippi to see my Best Friend in the whole world. I had the most relaxing weekend I could ever imagine...I fell in love with Mississippi and would love to live there one day. Anyways, instead of getting there at 9 something my flight didn't get in until almost 11 and I was beat. So when we got back to his apartment I fell asleep quickly.
• Saturday we got up early, Ben made breakfast and we drove to New Orleans. We explored the World War II museum. Then we headed to the French Quarters. I loved New Orleans as well. We had lunch there as well...amazing shrimp ceasar salad. We drove back to Biloxi and we were both tired so we took a short nap. When we went out again we headed to Ocean Springs where we hit the BEST BBQ place I have ever been. If you ever go to Biloxi/Gulfport/Ocean Springs, MS you have got to visit The Shed. I'm not kidding the absolute best BBQ food ever. After that we hit a pier in Ocean Springs...so peaceful. We visited a lighthouse on the way home. At home again we changed and went out to the Hard Rock and another casino...I lost two dollars on the slots which wasn't bad at all.
• Sunday we got up and ready. Then we just went for a drive. It was awesome. We stopped and waded in the water before going to lunch. After lunch we went and got ready for some swimming. We spent about an hour at the beach and in the water before it started raining. Ben had to do some studying with friends for a test the next day...so I just kind of chilled. He had to get something at Wal-Mart so I went along and grabbed a notebook. While the three guys studied I wrote and read. When they finished studying Ben and I ate and then sat back and watched The Dark Crystal. I had never seen it and loved it. We spent the rest of the night talking and hanging out.
• Monday he was at PT and school so I just spent the day relaxing until I had to get to the airport. I didn't want to leave I had fallen in love with Mississippi. I spent the day reading, writing and I even went to the beach for a few minutes...the beach alone is not fun at all. I almost did miss my flight due to traffic being backed up for some unknown reason.
• I got back to Utah and started realizing that I needed to come back to Pennsylvania for the summer. So I packed up and headed to Deb's for the week. Saturday morning I left Salt Lake City again. I landed in Cleveland at 6:30 -ish and just kinda chilled that night. Sunday I spent the day in the sun and can't wait to do it again. Monday I just kind of hung out. Went to Wal-Mart and last night Sirena and I headed to Boardman for our first Boardman movie trip. We saw Nightmare on Elm Street and both loved it.
• Today I was going to hang out in the sun again but it wound up being icky and rainy. Sirena came over at around 1 and we hung out for a while watching movies and talking. I organized my stuff in the living room a bit. Next Monday and Tuesday my room will be cleaned out so that all the craft stuff is downstairs and my bed can go back in there. So for now I am living in the living room and basement...lol.
• Tomorrow I am hoping it will be a lot warmer and no rain so that I can go out and relax in the sun. Got to get me some sun on my legs...they are whiter than paper...kinda sad. I'm gonna have to find me some tanning oil for them...then take my book out and just chill. I'm going to start working out tomorrow as well I think. I need to do something to keep in shape at least.
• So that is how my crazy life has gone the past few weeks. I can't believe it is almost the 4th of July already. I look forward to a summer of working, hanging out, camping and family reunions. I look forward to the beach with everybody in August and the Canfield Fair in September. Oh what fun summers in Pennsylvania/Ohio bring. Later all!!!