Friendship = Love

So I don't have a video today because there were so many good ones to describe many of the different emotions I am feeling lately. I have very very mixed feelings lately but I don't want to dwell on them too much. I have many loves in life but there is one that I can't really talk about because I don't know how.

There are people in my life that I constantly say too much too. It's like I talk to them and my mind says "insert foot in mouth now". It is a very bad habit and I often regret it afterward. I have actually lost friends with this bad habit. I tend to be a blunt person sometimes. I love all my friends and I hate that I continuously put that foot in my mouth. It gets in there so deep I don't know that I will ever get it out sometimes.

Friendship is a major role in my life as most of my friends are my family. I struggle without them there to talk to. I would do anything for my friends and I hope they know that. I know they would do almost anything for me to. I have been having issues lately because my friends don't answer me when I try to talk to them. I know they are all extremely busy with pregnancies, work and well who knows what else, but it still hurts that I don't get to talk to them when I really need to. I know I have stuck my foot in my mouth one too many times at least with all of them and I don't deserve to have such good friends but they continuously coming back to me. I will always appreciate that.

There is of course one friend in my life who knows me better than anybody else in the world. This friend is actually the one I've had for the shortest amount of time. I can go to them with any problem and they can help me talk it out. This friend does for me the same thing music does. So when I can't talk to my friends I always turn on the music and just let it sink in.

So friendship, music, books and movies some of the biggest loves of my life. They help me make it through the day all the time. Call me a hopeless romantic if you want because I am. I may be a tomboy most of the time but I still have another side. That other side of me needs the loves of my life everyday in order to make it through the day. I will keep you posted on this topic again sometime. Remember Friendship = Love

I Don't Want To Be

Today's song was a hard decision because there were a few I wanted to put on here. I will use the other tomorrow I guess. Anyways, today's song is Gavin Degraw's I Don't Wanna Be. Yes it is the theme song to One Tree Hill. Imagine that!

"I don't wanna be anything other than what I been trying to be lately."

Love that line. Nobody should try to be what they aren't. I have been who I'm not. It isn't a good place to be. It has been months since I have been myself. Nobody really knows me and honestly I am usually ok with that. There are days that I struggle because of this fact but I like the solitude of nobody knowing me.

"I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do or who I'm supposed to be, I don't wanna be anything other than me."

I know I didn't say much in this blog and I know there is SOOOO much more to say on this topic but my mind is blank and I'm not feeling well but I heard the song and had to post it. Be who you are and don't let others tell you who to be. It isn't up to them it is up to you.

Where I Stood

So today I was watching One Tree Hill and I heard this song. It describes my life almost entirely. The song says, "I don't know who I am without you, all I know is that I should..." I have always struggled with who I am and for the last eight years I have only truly been myself with one person. I struggle every day to be that person without them but it doesn't work out well.

I have come to believe that every person has a soul mate. That one person they can't live without. Their better half. I have met mine and for years I have stood by and waited for them to realize it too. I got tired of waiting and being alone at one point so I did something stupid. That's right, I can be stupid too. I got married, I cared about the person I married but after a few months I realized what a mistake I had made. I struggled through my marriage, eventually I cleared my head and decided to let go of the person I couldn't give my whole heart to. I still wait for the other guy to realize the truth.

I struggle with the pain and heartbreak of watching him move from person to person. I sit by and watch him struggle through his own life. All I know is I should know who I am without him but I don't. I don't want to make the mistake of marrying somebody else I don't belong with. So sure I may end up alone forever which is one of my biggest fears but if that is how long it takes then I will wait.

"I always thought love was black or white, that it was wrong or it was right, but you aren't leaving without a fight..." Listen to the song. Music can soothe the soul or it can make you cry but it is the therapy of life for everybody. Because no matter what music is therapy for everybody.

1 year down...

I can't believe it has been a little over a year working at the library and with Usborne Books and More.  I love both jobs.  The library is my dream job and it would be even better if I got paid more than once a month and more money.  I haven't had a job that paid minimum wage since well ever.  Most jobs I've had paid above minimum wage.  It is kind of sucky pay...lol.  Usborne it's great but I am still working hard at it and not giving up.  I am hoping this year I get more clients and past clients call for another party.  I continue to work my ass off at both jobs but I enjoy it.

In this year I have also struggled with love and my hearts desire.  It is worth the struggle because honestly it is making me a much stronger person every day.  I am learning to let go and be myself which is also a challenge.  At least I know in the long run that I am who I was meant to be and the person standing next to me for the rest of my life will be the right person, because I struggled and waited patiently. 

This year was supposed to be about being myself.  It wound up being about finding my self and struggling to be me and nobody else.  I love the friends who have helped me become the person I am today.  Deborah Cope thanks for teaching me to be financially aware and get out of debt.  Benjamin Hyre thanks for listening when I needed somebody.  You are both amazing friends and I love you both for being there when I need you most.  Any situation I get myself into I know you will be there with words of wisdom to help me through.  Which is ironic since it used to be the other way around.  Thanks guys you are the best friends a person could ask for.

Changes Are Always Needed...

I really don't know what I can say that I haven't said a million times before.  My divorce was finalized exactly 1 month before what would have been my 3rd anniversary and that has alleviated a lot of stress from my plate.  If you don't know when I got married it was September 11, 2009 and my divorce was finalized August 11, 2011.  Honestly, it was probably one of the best things I have done in a long time.  I am working hard to get my life back together again.

Financially, I am getting better.  The car has to be put on hold an extra month because well I blew one of the tires on the truck the other day and have to pay $150 to get a new one so that the truck will pass inspection which is currently up as of yesterday.  Wow, can you say run on sentence.  But at least, after the next couple months I will be able to start an emergency fund which will keep this from ever happening again.  This month I am paying the parents back for some things and next month I am going to settle the J.C. Penney account and then I am down to just two bills.  The Dell has gone two months past due but I will have it current again this month and will be paying a ton of extra on it each month, while I have the money.  I am hoping to have Dell and First Financial paid off by April or May.

I have been working on improving my life.  Instead of being on here so often I plan to spend my time reading, exercising and writing.  I do want to go back to school but that just isn't a possibility right now.  I am actually really lucky right now that all the summer people are gone because I am working full time at the library.  Well right now it is 34 hours and starting next week it will be 38 hours, but close enough to full time right.  I have been working hard to start saving money but something keeps coming up and that money gets used...usually that something is gas.

I was just reading a friends blog and I can't believe how much every bodies lives have changed.  I wish I could say the same for my own.  I continue to make the same mistakes because I've dug myself into a hole that is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of right now.  I continue to work at it every day.  I wish I could throw my burden onto somebody else but that is not how it works.

One of the main reasons I have been struggling is because I miss my friends.  One of them moved back last month and I haven't seen her once yet, how is that possible.  The others are still in Utah and Germany.  I miss my sisters-in-law because when I had a down day they were always there with exactly what I needed.  I miss my nephews and the Cope kids because they were the lights of my world shining oh so brightly.  Looking at pictures makes me miss them even more because I don't even recognize them.

I get in these moods where I need a change.  The only one I can always think of is cutting my hair.  Every time I go to my cousin Cassie for a haircut I do something different.  It always has layers and is always generally the same length but the style is always different.  Next time I go in I am going to color it for free most likely.

I know I am rambling but read the title of the blog.  I call it like it is.  I will try my hardest to update this blog more often especially since I will be updating the Usborne blog more often as well.  It makes it easier to post them together.  I am off for tonight

What to do, What to do!?!

So I have come into a dilemma that I just can't figure out.  There is a full time secretary position a mile up the road from my house.  I don't know the pay or any details about it really except that it is a Secretary position for the Big Beaver Boro Building.  But I have always hated Secritarial work which is why I never went back to it.

So my dilemma is do I stay at the job I love at the library even though the pay sucks.  I only work two days a week currently but there is a VERY GOOD chance that when the college girls go back to school I will work every day all day which would make the monthly paychecks quite good and easier to live on.  I don't want to leave Liz in a jam with only Harriet and Annette there to work because neither of them do anything and she told me that she missed me last week while I was on vacation and the summer girl was there most of the week.

The other job like I said is a mile up the road and if their weren't so many hills and I weren't asthmatic I could walk to work.  Which would come in handy when the truck finally dies which will be soon.  It would most likely help me get my bills paid off and get a car and real phone plan (my phone sucks).  But if I could get back into the Usborne Books and become close to full time at the library that would do that and more as well.

Maybe what I will do is go drop off my resume tomorrow just to see if I get an interview.  If I get the interview I will go in and talk to them and go from there.  Also I will talk to Liz about my dilemma and see if she is willing to put me on every day next month all day at least two of those days.  I know she doesn't want me to leave because I do all the work there and I am usually the most cheerful person there.  I do what I'm told and am always going to her for more work.

Agggghhhh....WHAT DO I DO????????

Dreams don't always come true...

So the dreams I have been having (well the ones up until last night) have been amazing and I have been waiting for them to come true.  I know they are only dreams but honestly ever dream like I've had recently has come true at one point or another.  So I am waiting very patiently for these dreams to come true.

However last nights dream went from something I wish would come true to something completely improbable and bizarre.  It started out good and kind of funny but then it just got weird because it did a completely unexpected turn.  I did however learn something from this dream.  The last thing I said in the dream was "Sir, I can't do that.  I love her and I always will.  You can't change who you fall in love with it just happens.  You love who you love and that's all there is to it."

This world is full of crazy things things like that.  But now onto other fun things.  I will be out of debt at least 1 year from now if it is the last thing I do.  I can't wait for fall to get here because I will have more hours at work.  Also I'm hoping that the Usborne thing picks up again.  I did a booth tonight and I am looking into a few more.  Summer is almost over and I won't get a vacation this year.  When the family goes in September I will be working.  I am working all next week so I can't go to the beach then.  My cousin, Kaylin, and I are planning a short weekend trip somewhere next month though.  And at some point this year I plan to make a trip back to Utah to see all my friends again.

Anyways, I think that is all I have to say for now.  I will try to update again soon.