AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

When the world sees me for who I really am is when I will be truly happy. And by the world I don't mean it literally. I mean it as in my world...that one person or thing that makes the world worthwhile and meaningful. There is so much that I want to say but like I said yesterday some things can't be said until they are completely sorted out which will be a year when Tim gets back from deployment. This struggle is bigger than anything I have ever dealt with before and it is a choice that I never saw myself having to make but here I am stuck on the verge of a nervous breakdown with this decision and can't talk to anybody about it because it is something I HAVE to figure out on my own. It has thrown me in a slump because it is all I could think about yesterday I worked my butt off to keep my mind shut off but it didn't work so here I sit depressed, angry at the world and in a place where not a damn thing will go right. I haven't been able to talk to my best friend lately because he has been sick with the flu all week and I always seem to catch him when he is falling asleep. I don't have a penny to my name right now. Wednesday I should be all good again depending on how good the party is and Friday I will definitely be all good since I have a second party then. In two Saturday's I have my first booth up in Cranberry so I will finally be getting my name out there. Now to just find the $30 to register for the booth. I am so lost and confused right now...I really need to get out of my head and stop thinking about it all. Well only about half an hour before my shift starts so I am off and will update you all again soon.

Wow has a lot happened since the last time I posted but I can't talk about half of it yet as it isn't all resolved yet. Some of the things that have happened are showing to cause a ton of conflict for me. I can't wait for things to finally make sense and get better but for now I will continue struggling and making due. I am working two jobs and looking for another one that I can do full time from home. That is raising a bit of an issue but that is a normal occurrence in my life. I am working at the library part time and selling the Usborne books. The library is great with only one small hitch in the fact that it only pays on the 15th of every month (that's it...once a month) so I struggle to make ends meet through out the month. The Usborne thing is starting slow since I wasn't able to get my name out there but this coming month I am taking a Saturday off and doing my first booth which will get me out there. I have had one good party but the rest have pretty much been duds. I am still keeping at it though and refuse to give up. I don't really have anything else that I can say here for now. All I can say is I can't wait to be able to stop struggling with all this stuff locked up inside of me. Only one person knows the whole story and that's how I'm going to keep it for now. It's Halloween my favorite holiday and I totally don't get the chance to dress up. It is a depressing Halloween this year but what can I say not all years can be good. I know that next year will be better because I won't have all this crap on my plate. But next month should be a lot better. I still can't believe that in TWO days it will be November. Where did this year go? Hopefully come January I will have all this worked out be able to talk about it but for now I will be keeping you in suspense. Later mom wants to use her laptop so I have to get off of it. I will try to keep you up to date from now on. Should be a lot to tell soon.

Blah...

• So today kind of sucks. I went to work but I haven't had a voice all day. It is starting to come back a little bit but while I was really cold at work I am really hot at home. I am thinking the thermometer was wrong and that I have a fever but whatever. I go into work again tomorrow afternoon. But at least I get to sleep in and maybe get past this little bug. My first party was a success with three people I made $65 and got two parties from it. I do of course have other people who wanted to order so I have to find a time to go talk to all the others so that I can get their orders in soon and get more free books for my display. I went to the chat last night and got a lot of GREAT ideas for the Christmas season. I have another party this coming Sunday and the one for tonight had to be pushed back to next weekend. But they asked what our fall goals were and I have some major goals for each month. I have to for my life goals.

• That is another subject. If my plan works out I will be able to pay off every single bill I currently have by the end of November. I will try to have all but Dell paid off next month. Which would leave like $1900 on my Dell card which should be easy to pay off the following month. We will have to wait and see how that goes. But with at least 15 parties next month, plus 2 book fairs in the Cranberry area, and I am going to take the Literacy for a Lifetime that Leigh Ann has for me. With that next month and my library job I should have at least $2800 I think coming in next month. In November and December I should be able to fit in 10 to 12 shows and 1 book fair each month. But first I have to get some major leads. I am going to have a Christmas Open house for Usborne as well. We'll see what happens.

• In other news...I'm loving the library and I am caught up with Dell payments. I feel like crap today and really want to head to the warm beach again. It is getting cold here and all my stuff is stuck in Utah. Dad thinks he might be able to fix my laptop so Tammy is looking for it and will send it to me if she finds it. Tonight GLEE starts and I am super duper excited about that. Since I knew I wouldn't be able to spend money the next few months I kind of splurged and ordered season 1 of Glee and season 2 of Wildfire (a total of like $30). But in a couple months I will be able to spend money however I want. But from now on anything I buy I will be able to afford...NO more CREDIT CARDS for me.

• Well I don't think I have much else to mention right now so I am off to do some work. Maybe lay down and read for a while. Later

Plan of the Century...

• So I was just looking at my friend Debbie's blog "Fighting the Girth" and it got me thinking. I weighed myself while on vacation and since I got home I have gained almost 20 of the almost 60 that I lost in Utah. Which means it is time to start walking daily again but the problem is that everywhere I turn here is a BIG hill. So that means I either have to start going to Brady's Run after work or use the treadmill which I hate (however doing that I could watch movies/tv or read). The point is I don't look like I have gained the weight but I know that I have so it is time to lose it all again. But I am still trying to get rid of the little bit of fat in my stomach and tone up my arms. That is besides the point though...I just want to get rid of the 20 pounds I gained after moving back to Pennsylvania. I'm sure it is all the stress I have been under without a job and with other situations in life.
• I now have two jobs and I started both of them in the past two weeks and both have to do with books. The first one is a librarian at the New Brighton Library. To be honest that has always been one of my dream jobs. So I am very happy there and the past two days there have been great. The people are great and I am learning a LOT!! The second is as an Independent Consultant for Usborne Books. I love these books and I have learned a lot from the books I've read. I had my first party last Saturday night and made $15 but she is still taking orders so I will hopefully get some more soon. I have to wait until my new debit card comes to actually place the first order. I am going to have my party in two weeks and I already have my first two parties booked for September.
• These stupid bugs in the house are starting to freaking get on my nerves. I am sitting here trying to type or eat and they are all over me. It is SO annoying...I am glad to get out of the house for a few hours every day.
• This weekend is the Canfield Fair and I am still debating on whether I want to go at all. I usually go to check out the horses and get a funnel cake/elephant ear and maybe ride some rides. But they are going Saturday for the Truck and Tractor pulls...LAME and Monday they are going for the horse shows...also LAME!! So like I said I may not even go at all. I have Friday off but I am going to spend the day giving the dog a bath and doing any errands I have. I am also going to have a GLEE marathon...well Volume 1 at least. Tomorrow after work I am spending some much needed time cleaning my room and picking a date for my own home show for Usborne books.
• Things in other aspects of my life are still iffy. I am trying to let go of some different things in my life but I can't because they won't let go of me. I know this probably doesn't make much sense to most of you but there are a few who will understand what I mean. Eventually everybody will know but for now I am not ready to share all the details with everybody.
• Can I just leave you with this one random thing. I love anything that is musical related...I'm sitting here typing and dancing along to the songs in Glee. The last one was Bust A Move...love it. K...well I am off for today. I will try to update more this month that I have been. LATER!!

Oh what a glorious week...

• I can't go into much detail but it was a great week. For those of you who don't know there are like three movies currently filming in Pittsburgh so some pretty big celebrities are milling around the city. Anyways, I was lucky enough to be an extra in one such movie this week. It so much fun. I met a ton of really cool people and got to be in a movie.

• I also spent a lot of time this week training for my new job as an Independent Consultant for Usborne Books. I had my first party yesterday and really enjoyed myself. I have one party booked for next month and soon I will have another booked. I am also going to be having my own party next month. I didn't make my challenge that Leigh Ann set for me so I don't get the free book for my display but that's ok. It still got me motivated and that's what I needed. Sometimes that's all it takes for me to get going is a little challenge. I am hoping to win one of the companies challenges as well to get A TON of free books for my display. The 11 I have just aren't enough to do the books justice. These books are amazing and I have learned a lot from them and most of them are for the little kids.
• In other news not much else is going on which is why I haven't blogged much. I have read 10 books more than last year already and it is only August. So I may have over 100 books read this year. I am still looking for another major job for a bit but for now I am going to deal with these book sales. That's about all I have for you guys for now. Later!!!

Let's Spend A Week Doing Nothing Fun...

• So I have been at the beach for a week almost. Mom, dad and I left at around 6 am last Sunday and got to Holden Beach (the Neeley Beach House) at like 5 something in the evening. It was a very long and boring trip once dad figured out his trucks usb port (so we could listen to music). Anyways, we got here and got the truck unloaded. Brenda and Rachel who had left the night before us were in the process of showering after a day at the beach when we got in. When they were ready we got back in the car, got dinner and then headed to Wal-Mart.

• Monday and Tuesday we spent the days at the beach. Wednesday I was bored of the beach and pretty much had all the tan I was going to get without burning so I stayed in and relaxed. Thursday mom and I did some gift shopping and then spent a little bit of time at the beach until the storm rolled in. We all got ready and drove into Myrtle Beach for dinner and fun. We ate at the Bonefish Grill and while I wasn't too thrilled with it everybody else loved it. After that we went to Wing's (I think it was) and did some shopping. We came home and just hung out. The storm kept me up most of the night. Thunder shook the whole house a couple times waking me up and the lightening was rediculously bright and right outside my window.

• The next morning we four girls went to these islands (sand dunes) at the end of the island. I got a lot of amazing pictures of shells and other pretty cool things. The other three collected shells. Then we came back and hit the beach for a little bit again. When it started raining I came in but the other four waited it out and went back out to the water for a bit.

• Today we spent the morning cleaning. Rachel and Brenda went parasailing this morning as well. I am spending the day inside because I have no desire to spend any more time in the sun and heat this week. The sad thing is I couldn't go anywhere all week because I can't drive the company car and Rachel doesn't let me use her car so all in all it was pretty boring. I unlike the others don't enjoy just sitting on the beach in the heat and going in the water a couple times throughout the day...BORING!!!

• However right down the beach a guy caught a total of three sand sharks in three days...that was just four or five houses down...CREEPY much? The good news is that apparently sand sharks just nibble they don't attack...lol...so reassuring. I also got to see some baby turtles hatch which was cool. It was dark so I didn't see much and the pictures didn't turn out but I did see it.

• But on the upside when I get back I should have my supplies to start selling the Usborne books. My friend who sells them found a special where I could start for $20 and was willing to lend me the money. So she signed me up and my supplies were delivered today from the confirmation number and all I was sent. I am so excited to start. When I get home I am going to call the New Brighton library and see if I can get in there and I'm going to try Tri State again because I will need at least a part time job while selling as well.

• Anyways, lots of pictures to come to facebook soon...I don't even have them all on the computer yet. Got to do a few touch-ups as well. I'm sure there is more to say but I don't know what it is so I'm going to go. But if any of you who are reading this would like to start selling Usborne Books or maybe host a party let me know...I can do home shows or eshows (only selling over the internet).

Oh the tragic life I lead...

So today was interesting...I have totally not been having a good day. I fell asleep around four in the morning because I could not shut off my mind. This is going to be confusing but I am having issues getting over somebody but it is not the somebody that I should be struggling to get over. Maybe that means I am not supposed to get over this person maybe they are supposed to break my heart over and over again. Maybe it is a test of my strength and endurance. Anyways, I woke up every few hours all night long. Only to wake up at 7 and lay there awake only until finally getting up. I was up for a couple hours before I got in the shower at noon. Of course a couple minutes into my shower the power goes out. I didn't think much of it until the water went out as well. Of course the water going out was timed perfectly...I was just washing my face. So the water goes out and I have face wash all over my face and hands...oh joy. With my eyes clothes I had to get out of the shower to find a towel to wipe of my face and hands.A little bit did get in my eyes but I got my drops and got it out right away. I still have conditioner in my hair and it is kind of making my head itchy but oh well, I'll fix it later. So I since the power was out I spent some time outside with Tippy. She got brushed, somehow some of it wound up in my mouth and my asthma flaired up. I also did some reading. Then I realized that my library books were due today but I didn't finish any of them so I had to renew them but the internet was out with the power and I didn't want to go all the way to the library today. I say that like it is so far away...lol...it's not. So the power finally came on at about 4 so I came in and chilled in the A/C and looked up more jobs. I did get a second interview at Walgreen's which is the job I want the least as it is minimum wage $7.25/hr and part time. I mean it is close so I would be saving money on gas but with that pay and those hours I wouldn't be able to save the money I need and pay bills. It just wouldn't work. Plus I am trying to steer clear of retail like that again. But none the less I go in Wednesday morning at 10. I guess it is a good sign they are giving me the second interview. I did find a data entry position that I would be perfect for and it pays $16 to $17 to start but it didn't say where it was so I am trying to get more details on that position. Just my luck today finding a job that doesn't tell me the details I need. I am ranting I'm sorry but I had to get this aweful day out somehow. I am dead tired itchy and I want to color my hair and have it cut some time this week...but I have no money. Maybe I can go get hair color tonight and do that when I get another shower. Also I may not be going to the beach after all we will have to see what happens though. But I have smiled throughout the day and kept my head up. Tomorrow can only be better right?? I sure hope so!!