Time for a change!!!

Okay so after an aweful week at work and home I have come up with my solution.  I am just tired and need a new locale.  So I already have a commitment in mid-March but after that I am planning on leaving Pennsylvania.  I am thinking Maryland/DC/Virginia area.  I started looking into apartments/houses/rooms for rent today and looked into jobs as well.  But as it is a ways off it was only a preliminary search.

I chose that area because it is closer to school for any tests I need to take.  Also it is another state checked off the goal of living in every state (except Alaska).  It is far enough away that nobody will visit, which I love.

The next four months will be all about saving and buying things for an apartment of my own.  I not only have the futon but I believe I still have the waterbed and I have a mattress out in the garage.  I have shelving but need more.  I have dishes, a laptop, PS3 and the luggage.  But not all the money will go toward that of course since over the next couple months I will be buying a whole new wardrobe because apparently there is a new dress code at work.

The only issue I have will be getting all my stuff to my new place.  Looks like dad or somebody will be following me in the truck with some stuff.  I am super excited about this move.  It will be the first move I do on my own.  No living with friends and no influence from other people.  Just me out on my own living my life the way I want to live it and completely happy.  I will lose all my weight again, I will be at the beach as much as I can be and I will be me.

I can't have who I want to have so I will find somebody else my way I guess.  I can't believe I am saying this but while I loved the library when my ideas had a say and I could feel comfortable while I am there, that is no longer the case.  All the changes are done and there is really no reason for me to stay around much longer.  I want and am used to jeans and tops at work and am not comfortable in anything else yet on January first we are starting a dress code.  So I have to go out and buy all new clothes for only a couple months because I don't have a single dress, skirt or pair of dress pants.  The tops isn't an issue but I have to go out and buy at least 5 pair of dressy pants and be uncomfortable at work. 

Buying new clothes and supplies for an apartment on two crappy paychecks and two decent paychecks is going to be rough but I can do it.  I also plan to save up for the apartment.  I am so ready for this.  I need to be independent for a while and on my own.  I need to prove that I can do this, not only to myself but to everybody else.  Mainly everybody else though because I already know I can do it.

Okay that is all for now.  I will update you as things happen.

Unraveling!!

I don't know what is going on anymore.  I am lost and confused.  I have no time to myself.  I have no friends left.  I work non-stop.  I miss my best friends.  One hasn't talked to me in almost 2 years and one has failed to tell me one of the biggest things in his life.  Do I push people away?  Do they feel like they can't tell me things now?

I put up a big show but nothing I am showing is real.  The smile is fake, the things I say are fake, my life is fake.  I need something, somebody or somewhere new.  I need a life of my own.

My life is unraveling and I can't stop it.  There is so much I want to do in my life but I am stuck and unhappy and can't wait to be set free.  I don't know what else to say but I need the pieces to fit together again.