Loving the right person!!!

So I have been watching Season 6 of Grey's Anatomy has my life story in it. People say that movies, books, songs and TV aren't real life but where do you think the ideas for the story-lines come from. That's right somebody had to live the tricky love triangles, the deaths, and the heartbreaks. In Season 6 there are a few episodes dealing with a girl who has been in love with her best friends forever. She comes back and tells him and then he is torn between her and his current girlfriend. It all works out in the end because she and the guy she loves stay friends and he and his girlfriend stay together. I know that may not make sense but I have been in that situation. I have waited too long to tell somebody that I love them. I have moved on too many times to count and that is the hard part. Moving on isn't easy especially when you know you can't love anybody else ever. I have gotten married to somebody I didn't love because I was tired of waiting for the one I did love. I am done moving on. It may be that I am single my entire life but I don't care anymore. I would rather be alone than with somebody I don't love. I hold the heartbreak I feel everyday in my heart so that I never forget that fact.

We all feel love a different way. Some admit it openly and widely. Some hide it and don't want to admit it. Some don't know what they want at all so they don't do anything. I have felt love each of these ways but the one I love hides it and honestly doesn't know what he wants. I had a stage in my life before I met this person where I didn't know what the heck I wanted but when I met him I knew immediately I was meant to be with him. I didn't admit it at first because he was still in high school and I was three years older than him. Finally the time came where I did admit it openly to him and I still do every so often just so he never forgets.

I am lost and confused most days because of this situation I'm in. Do I give up? Do I keep fighting? What do I do? I don't know but until I take my last breathe I will love this person and I don't think I will ever give up on him. I may give up the fight but I will never give up on the love I have for him. That's all there is to say on that matter.

God Bless the USA

So I was looking at my post and then it totally hit me that I didn't do a 9/11 post and I really should since it has been 10 years. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was sitting in my high school Chemistry class and somebody burst into the room to tell us about the first tower. Then it went over the loud speaker and we all sat around the tv's watching the second tower be hit. I also remember worrying about my cousin who is in the air force and praying that he wouldn't get sent over to fight. At the time he was the only person close to me who was in the military now I worry about all my many friends who get deployed to the war over there.

The world changed that day. Everywhere you go has higher security and you can't take most things on an airplane anymore. That day many lives were lost and many more where put in danger as we went to war. But it has been 10 years and I still ask myself why it happened? What was the point? Why then? Lots of people who lost people are probably wondering the same thing. I didn't lose anybody but I still ask the same things.

The world is a crazy place and people deserve to be safe. I am glad I live in the United States where I have great friends in the armed forces who fight for our country. The men and the women in the armed forces are just like anybody else but they continuously risk their lives for all of us everyday. There were a few songs I wanted to post for this update but I went with one in particular because it is the one I love the most and means the most to almost everybody in the country.

So God Bless the USA.

Thank you to all the people over there fighting and the ones who have been over there before...
Tyler Miller - US Airforce
Benjamin Hyre - US Navy
David Biernesser - US Marines
Eric Owens - US National Guard
Timothy Barnett - US Army

Friendship = Love

So I don't have a video today because there were so many good ones to describe many of the different emotions I am feeling lately. I have very very mixed feelings lately but I don't want to dwell on them too much. I have many loves in life but there is one that I can't really talk about because I don't know how.

There are people in my life that I constantly say too much too. It's like I talk to them and my mind says "insert foot in mouth now". It is a very bad habit and I often regret it afterward. I have actually lost friends with this bad habit. I tend to be a blunt person sometimes. I love all my friends and I hate that I continuously put that foot in my mouth. It gets in there so deep I don't know that I will ever get it out sometimes.

Friendship is a major role in my life as most of my friends are my family. I struggle without them there to talk to. I would do anything for my friends and I hope they know that. I know they would do almost anything for me to. I have been having issues lately because my friends don't answer me when I try to talk to them. I know they are all extremely busy with pregnancies, work and well who knows what else, but it still hurts that I don't get to talk to them when I really need to. I know I have stuck my foot in my mouth one too many times at least with all of them and I don't deserve to have such good friends but they continuously coming back to me. I will always appreciate that.

There is of course one friend in my life who knows me better than anybody else in the world. This friend is actually the one I've had for the shortest amount of time. I can go to them with any problem and they can help me talk it out. This friend does for me the same thing music does. So when I can't talk to my friends I always turn on the music and just let it sink in.

So friendship, music, books and movies some of the biggest loves of my life. They help me make it through the day all the time. Call me a hopeless romantic if you want because I am. I may be a tomboy most of the time but I still have another side. That other side of me needs the loves of my life everyday in order to make it through the day. I will keep you posted on this topic again sometime. Remember Friendship = Love

I Don't Want To Be

Today's song was a hard decision because there were a few I wanted to put on here. I will use the other tomorrow I guess. Anyways, today's song is Gavin Degraw's I Don't Wanna Be. Yes it is the theme song to One Tree Hill. Imagine that!

"I don't wanna be anything other than what I been trying to be lately."

Love that line. Nobody should try to be what they aren't. I have been who I'm not. It isn't a good place to be. It has been months since I have been myself. Nobody really knows me and honestly I am usually ok with that. There are days that I struggle because of this fact but I like the solitude of nobody knowing me.

"I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do or who I'm supposed to be, I don't wanna be anything other than me."

I know I didn't say much in this blog and I know there is SOOOO much more to say on this topic but my mind is blank and I'm not feeling well but I heard the song and had to post it. Be who you are and don't let others tell you who to be. It isn't up to them it is up to you.

Where I Stood

So today I was watching One Tree Hill and I heard this song. It describes my life almost entirely. The song says, "I don't know who I am without you, all I know is that I should..." I have always struggled with who I am and for the last eight years I have only truly been myself with one person. I struggle every day to be that person without them but it doesn't work out well.

I have come to believe that every person has a soul mate. That one person they can't live without. Their better half. I have met mine and for years I have stood by and waited for them to realize it too. I got tired of waiting and being alone at one point so I did something stupid. That's right, I can be stupid too. I got married, I cared about the person I married but after a few months I realized what a mistake I had made. I struggled through my marriage, eventually I cleared my head and decided to let go of the person I couldn't give my whole heart to. I still wait for the other guy to realize the truth.

I struggle with the pain and heartbreak of watching him move from person to person. I sit by and watch him struggle through his own life. All I know is I should know who I am without him but I don't. I don't want to make the mistake of marrying somebody else I don't belong with. So sure I may end up alone forever which is one of my biggest fears but if that is how long it takes then I will wait.

"I always thought love was black or white, that it was wrong or it was right, but you aren't leaving without a fight..." Listen to the song. Music can soothe the soul or it can make you cry but it is the therapy of life for everybody. Because no matter what music is therapy for everybody.

1 year down...

I can't believe it has been a little over a year working at the library and with Usborne Books and More.  I love both jobs.  The library is my dream job and it would be even better if I got paid more than once a month and more money.  I haven't had a job that paid minimum wage since well ever.  Most jobs I've had paid above minimum wage.  It is kind of sucky pay...lol.  Usborne it's great but I am still working hard at it and not giving up.  I am hoping this year I get more clients and past clients call for another party.  I continue to work my ass off at both jobs but I enjoy it.

In this year I have also struggled with love and my hearts desire.  It is worth the struggle because honestly it is making me a much stronger person every day.  I am learning to let go and be myself which is also a challenge.  At least I know in the long run that I am who I was meant to be and the person standing next to me for the rest of my life will be the right person, because I struggled and waited patiently. 

This year was supposed to be about being myself.  It wound up being about finding my self and struggling to be me and nobody else.  I love the friends who have helped me become the person I am today.  Deborah Cope thanks for teaching me to be financially aware and get out of debt.  Benjamin Hyre thanks for listening when I needed somebody.  You are both amazing friends and I love you both for being there when I need you most.  Any situation I get myself into I know you will be there with words of wisdom to help me through.  Which is ironic since it used to be the other way around.  Thanks guys you are the best friends a person could ask for.

Changes Are Always Needed...

I really don't know what I can say that I haven't said a million times before.  My divorce was finalized exactly 1 month before what would have been my 3rd anniversary and that has alleviated a lot of stress from my plate.  If you don't know when I got married it was September 11, 2009 and my divorce was finalized August 11, 2011.  Honestly, it was probably one of the best things I have done in a long time.  I am working hard to get my life back together again.

Financially, I am getting better.  The car has to be put on hold an extra month because well I blew one of the tires on the truck the other day and have to pay $150 to get a new one so that the truck will pass inspection which is currently up as of yesterday.  Wow, can you say run on sentence.  But at least, after the next couple months I will be able to start an emergency fund which will keep this from ever happening again.  This month I am paying the parents back for some things and next month I am going to settle the J.C. Penney account and then I am down to just two bills.  The Dell has gone two months past due but I will have it current again this month and will be paying a ton of extra on it each month, while I have the money.  I am hoping to have Dell and First Financial paid off by April or May.

I have been working on improving my life.  Instead of being on here so often I plan to spend my time reading, exercising and writing.  I do want to go back to school but that just isn't a possibility right now.  I am actually really lucky right now that all the summer people are gone because I am working full time at the library.  Well right now it is 34 hours and starting next week it will be 38 hours, but close enough to full time right.  I have been working hard to start saving money but something keeps coming up and that money gets used...usually that something is gas.

I was just reading a friends blog and I can't believe how much every bodies lives have changed.  I wish I could say the same for my own.  I continue to make the same mistakes because I've dug myself into a hole that is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of right now.  I continue to work at it every day.  I wish I could throw my burden onto somebody else but that is not how it works.

One of the main reasons I have been struggling is because I miss my friends.  One of them moved back last month and I haven't seen her once yet, how is that possible.  The others are still in Utah and Germany.  I miss my sisters-in-law because when I had a down day they were always there with exactly what I needed.  I miss my nephews and the Cope kids because they were the lights of my world shining oh so brightly.  Looking at pictures makes me miss them even more because I don't even recognize them.

I get in these moods where I need a change.  The only one I can always think of is cutting my hair.  Every time I go to my cousin Cassie for a haircut I do something different.  It always has layers and is always generally the same length but the style is always different.  Next time I go in I am going to color it for free most likely.

I know I am rambling but read the title of the blog.  I call it like it is.  I will try my hardest to update this blog more often especially since I will be updating the Usborne blog more often as well.  It makes it easier to post them together.  I am off for tonight