Working it out!!!

I was given information today that I just don't know what to do with.  When I am sick I hate everything and I am highly emotional.  I don't know what to think or what to do.  So I have been struggling to understand a whole bunch of things that I have learned over the past few weeks.  I have come to trust only one person in my life and that is a hard thing for me.  I used to have tons of friends that I would trust with my life.  But lately it seems like I have one that I trust with my life and a few others that seem to be pulling away.  I guess it doesn't help help that all of my friends but one are married with kids...that one is going through a divorce.  So where does that leave me?

I want to be able to move on with my life.  I want to find somebody new.  I want to be independent and on my own finally.  You may be thinking so what's the problem just do it?  Well I am not in the emotional state to do so.  Until I get my own emotions under control I can't move on with any of these other things.  I need to stop being an emotional shopper.  I get stressed or depressed and I shop, I get upset and I shop.  It is what I have always done but the funny thing is I hate shopping and it stresses me out even more.  So why do I do?

I am just ranting sorry.  I am tired of all the drama and the things in my life I can't control.  So I am going to work on the few things I can control and work my way out of this drama fill pit that I am stuck in.  I know what I want and I will start working my way towards that today.  I will start working on me and not worrying about what other people think or do!

That's all for today thanks for listening folks.

HE'S MARRIED!!!!

Ok so it's not like I didn't expect him to move on or anything.  But come on the divorce was finalized in August and he's been back in Germany from being deployed like a couple weeks. HE'S MARRIED already!!!  What the heck.  For somebody who thought they were so in love when they got married the first time that is moving on pretty dang quick.  This coming from the girl who wasn't all that in love when she got married to said person and can't move on.  What is the world coming to?  I need a trip to see a friend any friend.  Too bad I don't have money for that.

Well I'm hoping to go to work tomorrow even though I didn't finish my costume...boo...we'll see what happens though...I was finally able to keep all my dinner down so we'll see what happens in the morning...

The downfall of Horror Movies

So there isn't much new to talk about.  I have been sick today and kind of either slept or watched movies.  I can't figure out why I don't read when I'm sick.  Most people pick up a book and sleep but no I turn on the tv and sleep.  Today since Halloween is right around the corner I have been watching movies that are supposed to be scary but aren't. 

That's another thing altogether.  What is the point of making a horror movie if you don't make it scary.  There have been very few movies that actually scared me lately.  I mean the movie The Rite is supposed to be scary and it had me cracking up.  Most horror movies have become more nudity and swearing than anything else.  I mean look at the Halloween movies, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street.  Now I've never seen the originals of the last two but the new versions are lame.  Now when it comes to Halloween I saw the originals when I was like 10 or 11 and they didn't scary me then and they don't scare me now.  There were two movies that scared me as a kid that now in my late 20's I will be trying again.  They are Poltergiest and The Birds.  If I remember correctly there was no nudity and very little swearing. 

With Halloween right around the corner Saturday night and Sunday will be all about the horror movie marathon.  I've already got Cry_Wolf, Disturbing Behavior, The Hills Have Eyes 1 & 2 and Texas Chainsaw Massacre the beginning and the other one, on my iPod for the watching.  I already watched the Hitcher on it so I took it off.  Today I have watched Scream 4, Sorority Row and I just put in Friday the 13th.  I'll watch them again.  I still have Nightmare on Elm Street from the library to watch as well.  In my room I have Final Destination 3 & 4 (I have 1  & 2 to put on my iPod if I want), Poltergiest, Interview With a Vampire, Rest Stop 1 & 2, and The Covenant.  Who knows what all else I have on my hard drive to watch.  I have a ton more horror movie in Utah too but I won't get through the ones I have here so I'm not too worried about it. 

I've got my vampire and witch books to read too.  Let's not forget the werewolf books and movies too.  Now back to the original topic what has happened to the world of horror movies?  People have changed not the movies.  People want to make newer versions of movies and they do what they have to in order to make them just barely pass the standards of ratings.  Ok well that is all on my horror movie rant.

I AM READY!!!

So I just read a lot of the last years entries on this blog.  I never realized how love sick I sound.  Why didn't anybody tell me I sounded whiny...lol.  This may sound really strange to those of you who have read the other posts but I have to get it out.  In the past few weeks I have come to the realization that I honestly don't want a relationship.  Yes, I am still in love with this person.  No, It's not going away anytime soon.  But honestly I don't want a relationship right now.  I think I want somebody to simply to know how I feel.  I want somebody to want to hold me in a giant bear hug for a long time.  

I know that one day I will find the right person.  The person I spend every minute of the day thinking about.  There person I can curl up with on the couch and just talk.  I have been married and I didn't have those things.  I may know who this person is today but I won't name them.  There is so much to consider in life and so much to live for.  I don't want to make the same mistake I did before.  I don't want to marry the wrong person again and be unhappy the rest of my life.

Happiness is all in what you make it.  I have come to realize that I blame my unhappiness on not having somebody like that in my life.  I blame it on not having friends in Pennsylvania.  But honestly that's not the case.  I have everything I could want and then some.  I have AMAZING friends and family in the area and while we can't sit on a couch together, there is one person in my life that I have never lied to (for long) and we talk as often as we can for hours on end sometimes.  I trust this person with my deepest darkest secrets, I would trust them with my life if it came to that.  

I may be IN LOVE but I am not ready for another relationship.  I need to learn how to rely on myself and I really need to learn how to open up a little bit more.  I have lived a sheltered life in some respects and I grew up a good little Mormon girl.  But as I look back I was NEVER the GOOD little Mormon girl that everybody thought.  Underneath it all I was just a girl fighting to break free and live her own life with her own choices.  I hid what others didn't want to see for the longest time, but a little over a year ago I finally broke free of the chains holding me down.

I can't even imagine going back to the life I was living.  Everything is changing and I am finally letting go.  I am figuring out my life and I'm not afraid to just live.  I am ready to try things I was never able to do before.  I am ready for true bliss.  I am ready for life itself to engulf me and take me for an unknown ride.  I AM READY!!!   

Nature through a photographic lense...

So I was looking through some of the old pictures on here and on Facebook.  I wanted to just say that I love fall because the colors are so beautiful out there.  I took some pictures of Aley Hill on my way home one day and wanted to share them with you all.

 

These ones were taken going through Beaver Falls after work one day.  I thought the clouds looked awesome so I took a few shots.

 

These two were a few of the sunset behind the house one day.  I love taking the opportunity to catch a sunset.  Especially one like this one was...it was AMAZING!!!

 

I'm not sure where these two were I just thought they were cool.

 

This is one of the Geneva campus buildings and I kind of thought it looked gorgeous with the beautiful trees in the background.

 

The rest of these are all shots of Aley Hill which I travel everyday.  I love the colors of the fall and will miss them one day.  This bottom one is actually of our house from the other corner.  And FYI I was driving while taking every single one of these shots...I did slow down for any I took on a bend and I did stop at the stop signs...lol.

I just wanted to share the wonders of nature with you.  I miss the mountains but I will admit that Pennsylvania has some pretty cool things to experience.  I mean those clouds were awesome looking, the sunsets are awesome and would you look at those colors.  Between photography and nature life is amazing.  I just wish I had more time and a better eye for it.

I'd Lie - Taylor Swift

I haven't posted me for a while but this song hit me this week. You all know that there was somebody in my life that I just couldn't let go of. This week I took what I could get and let everything else go. I still feel the same way about him I just don't let it show anymore. So like the song says "If you ask me if I love him I'd lie...".

A friend posted a blog the other day and she said you have to let go of the things you can't control (the golden tickets of life) and just let yourself live for the day. I love that and reading her blog has helped me let go of the aforementioned person. I know there is so much more for me to look forward to so I'm going to make sure I don't let anything stand in my way. I may still feel that way I just can't let it stand in my way so I lie to myself and to the world and live what I say.

Anyways, onto more important things. I am so excited for the Christmas season. I have lots of Usborne booths and a party or two lined up as well. Which is good, means more money coming in for me. Which means more money to pay off bills and get out of debt sooner or get a much needed car for myself. I am still having issues with actually saving money because well my accountability partner isn't around to keep me from spending it. But I can't blame her no matter how much I may want to, it isn't her fault I have this problem at all. It's my own problem that I have to deal with, just wish I had somebody to fall back on when I want to spend. However, I finished my Christmas shopping so next month all my money is going into hiding NO MATTER WHAT!!!! We'll see how that actually goes.

Also on my agenda for the following months is getting in shape. In the last few months I have gained everything I lost (weight wise) back. I have to go out and spend some money on new pants because I went up a size. I need a few more long sleeves shirts too. I have until spring to get back in the shape I was in when I moved home in June 2010 or in better shape. I guess it could take longer but spring is my goal to say the least. I'm considering joining the YMCA so I can head up after work and walk or swim and weight train all in one place. Sure I could weight train at home but I can't swim and the treadmill is never down anymore so I can't walk very often. The Gazelle actually hurt me and it hurt to walk for a week. So I have a dilemma and I don't know how to manage it because I can't really afford a YMCA membership. So what do I do?

I was excited about Halloween this year because I was planning on being the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland. My issue is that I may not be able to find the things I need to make the costume. I have a shirt and the hair color needed and tons of scarves at my disposal. I still need a coat and the hat, mismatched socks and some sort of shoes. I guess if I could just find a coat and hat I could wear jeans and any shoes. I mean I'm going to be behind the desk in the costume. Hmmm...I'll have to see what I can find at the Sal Val one day after work.

I can't believe how cold it has been lately. It is really kind of depressing and all with no sun and all this rain. I hate all this dreary weather. I need to move somewhere warm and sunny all year. Maybe Mississippi or Louisiana. Ok well I have ranted long enough. Till next time.

The Underlying Love Story

There has been a lot on my mind lately and I just need to let it all out. I have been doing a lot of reading the last couple weeks and every single book had the underlying love story. Not many people could pick out the underlying love story but because I am not really into the love story I can usually pick it out. I sit and wait and wonder if I will ever get my love story. I know how I feel and I know that I would gladly give my life for the person I love. But would that person do the same for me. I don't know that he would and that is the thing I fear the most.

I mean if you love somebody you have to tell them because you never know what will happen. You could die today and that person would never know how you felt. So I tell him every chance I get. I fight the urge a lot of the time but I do let myself give in sometimes. I just wish I heard it back sometimes.

I guess I have just been reading too many books with that underlying topic and watching too many movies and shows with the topic of love. I yearn for something that I may never get from somebody I may never get it from. But I am a very patient person when it comes to most things. I have waited for almost eight years (I've lost track of exactly how long it has been). We don't see or talk to each other very often but it is extremely tough on me when we do. I have to remember to give him his space and not give into my urges often. It gets harder and harder on me as the years go by. But we have both been through tough times and I will continue to be patient with him.

Well I have rambled enough so I will go away now.