I AM READY!!!

So I just read a lot of the last years entries on this blog.  I never realized how love sick I sound.  Why didn't anybody tell me I sounded whiny...lol.  This may sound really strange to those of you who have read the other posts but I have to get it out.  In the past few weeks I have come to the realization that I honestly don't want a relationship.  Yes, I am still in love with this person.  No, It's not going away anytime soon.  But honestly I don't want a relationship right now.  I think I want somebody to simply to know how I feel.  I want somebody to want to hold me in a giant bear hug for a long time.  

I know that one day I will find the right person.  The person I spend every minute of the day thinking about.  There person I can curl up with on the couch and just talk.  I have been married and I didn't have those things.  I may know who this person is today but I won't name them.  There is so much to consider in life and so much to live for.  I don't want to make the same mistake I did before.  I don't want to marry the wrong person again and be unhappy the rest of my life.

Happiness is all in what you make it.  I have come to realize that I blame my unhappiness on not having somebody like that in my life.  I blame it on not having friends in Pennsylvania.  But honestly that's not the case.  I have everything I could want and then some.  I have AMAZING friends and family in the area and while we can't sit on a couch together, there is one person in my life that I have never lied to (for long) and we talk as often as we can for hours on end sometimes.  I trust this person with my deepest darkest secrets, I would trust them with my life if it came to that.  

I may be IN LOVE but I am not ready for another relationship.  I need to learn how to rely on myself and I really need to learn how to open up a little bit more.  I have lived a sheltered life in some respects and I grew up a good little Mormon girl.  But as I look back I was NEVER the GOOD little Mormon girl that everybody thought.  Underneath it all I was just a girl fighting to break free and live her own life with her own choices.  I hid what others didn't want to see for the longest time, but a little over a year ago I finally broke free of the chains holding me down.

I can't even imagine going back to the life I was living.  Everything is changing and I am finally letting go.  I am figuring out my life and I'm not afraid to just live.  I am ready to try things I was never able to do before.  I am ready for true bliss.  I am ready for life itself to engulf me and take me for an unknown ride.  I AM READY!!!