AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

When the world sees me for who I really am is when I will be truly happy. And by the world I don't mean it literally. I mean it as in my world...that one person or thing that makes the world worthwhile and meaningful. There is so much that I want to say but like I said yesterday some things can't be said until they are completely sorted out which will be a year when Tim gets back from deployment. This struggle is bigger than anything I have ever dealt with before and it is a choice that I never saw myself having to make but here I am stuck on the verge of a nervous breakdown with this decision and can't talk to anybody about it because it is something I HAVE to figure out on my own. It has thrown me in a slump because it is all I could think about yesterday I worked my butt off to keep my mind shut off but it didn't work so here I sit depressed, angry at the world and in a place where not a damn thing will go right. I haven't been able to talk to my best friend lately because he has been sick with the flu all week and I always seem to catch him when he is falling asleep. I don't have a penny to my name right now. Wednesday I should be all good again depending on how good the party is and Friday I will definitely be all good since I have a second party then. In two Saturday's I have my first booth up in Cranberry so I will finally be getting my name out there. Now to just find the $30 to register for the booth. I am so lost and confused right now...I really need to get out of my head and stop thinking about it all. Well only about half an hour before my shift starts so I am off and will update you all again soon.

Wow has a lot happened since the last time I posted but I can't talk about half of it yet as it isn't all resolved yet. Some of the things that have happened are showing to cause a ton of conflict for me. I can't wait for things to finally make sense and get better but for now I will continue struggling and making due. I am working two jobs and looking for another one that I can do full time from home. That is raising a bit of an issue but that is a normal occurrence in my life. I am working at the library part time and selling the Usborne books. The library is great with only one small hitch in the fact that it only pays on the 15th of every month (that's it...once a month) so I struggle to make ends meet through out the month. The Usborne thing is starting slow since I wasn't able to get my name out there but this coming month I am taking a Saturday off and doing my first booth which will get me out there. I have had one good party but the rest have pretty much been duds. I am still keeping at it though and refuse to give up. I don't really have anything else that I can say here for now. All I can say is I can't wait to be able to stop struggling with all this stuff locked up inside of me. Only one person knows the whole story and that's how I'm going to keep it for now. It's Halloween my favorite holiday and I totally don't get the chance to dress up. It is a depressing Halloween this year but what can I say not all years can be good. I know that next year will be better because I won't have all this crap on my plate. But next month should be a lot better. I still can't believe that in TWO days it will be November. Where did this year go? Hopefully come January I will have all this worked out be able to talk about it but for now I will be keeping you in suspense. Later mom wants to use her laptop so I have to get off of it. I will try to keep you up to date from now on. Should be a lot to tell soon.