Baby Boom!!!

So between Thanksgiving and today I have learned that 1 friend and 4 cousins (all on the same side of the family) are pregnant.  The cousins are apparently all due in July (crazy month for birthday's) and I believe the friend is due in June but possible July.  I hate to say it but I kind of hate them all right now.  That was the most depressing holiday I've had in a long time.  I mean dwelling on the fact that while I really want kids of my own I may never have them makes for an unhappy holiday.

To keep my mind off of all the new July babies coming into my life I have spent the last bit of time occupying my mind with building my new shelves and watching Season 8 of One Tree Hill.  Although the beginning of this season is kind of depressing and that's not good.  It definitely is keeping my mind busy.  Once they are all built it is time for a MAJOR reorganization which will be even better.

I actually did have a good Christmas and got a laptop at last and shelves that are much needed.  It was just the rest of the day that was depressing.  I miss my friends but the ones that aren't talking to me I have decided to give them space and they will come back eventually.  She is just struggling and I wish I could help her through it like she has helped me through a ton of things as well.  But when she is ready she will come back.

As for the coming year things are turning around for me.  I will get out of this rut and will be debt free.  I have already set up payments for two out of three of my remaining debts.  The third I will settle in January I hope.  Come June I will hopefully have my own car and in July I should be able to move out into my own place.  All with my job at the library.  Hopefully I will be able get a lot more Usborne business this year and that will help with saving for a car as well.  Also I'm hoping to get both State and Federal Taxes back so that will go into my car savings as well.  The few books and movies I want are already pre-ordered except for Breaking Dawn Part 1 that is.

Ok well I am off to finish cleaning and organizing and watching in order to get my mind off of things again.

F U N K...

Every day since Thanksgiving has become more and more of a struggle for me.  I have been feeling more and more alone in this world.  One of the friends I would turn to and talk to about the issues is the reason I feel this way.  The other is across the ocean and hard to get in touch with (time differences suck).  So I have been turning to my books and movies to cheer me up and it has help but today I got to thinking and now the struggle is back in full force.

A month ago I would have told you that things couldn't have been better.  That also would have been a lie.  I have been keep my emotions so locked up tight that nobody has even noticed something isn't right.  Then again even if I didn't lock them up I doubt anybody would have noticed.  In my loneliness, I am wearing a shirt that my friend got me and a sweatshirt he left in my car a long time ago and I kept.

I can honestly say that I can't wait for Christmas to be over.  I am ready for a new year and another fresh start.  This past year has been full of mistakes and regrets and I am ready to get away from them.  I am going to get myself back in shape physically, financially and mentally.  I already have my debt payment plan in place and if everything goes according to plan I should have all my debt paid off by May.  So June is all about using the savings to get a car and start looking into apartments and furnishings.

I have decided to stick around New Brighton and continue at the library until I know what the heck I am going to do with my life.  I am going to save up my money and plan a trip somewhere overseas.  But like I said this will only happen if things go according to plan and my depression shopping stays at bay.  I already preordered all the books I absolutely have to have next year, so that is all taken care of.  So far there are only a few movies I have to have at the beginning of the year, one is already preordered.  I still have all my old jeans and other clothes so when I am physically in shape I won't have to buy much in the way of new clothes.  I will fit in those size sixes again soon...I swear it.

I don't want to be stuck in this rut the rest of my life.  I want to be happy.  I want to be with somebody that I trust and love for the rest of my life.  I want to travel.  I want to have a savings.  I want to be stable.  But right now I don't have any of that.  I am not happy.  I don't have the person I trust and love most in the world forever.  I can't travel.  I have no savings.  I am definitely not stable.  I just am.  I am tired of just being because it isn't a good life.

Ok.  I am out of here before I slump into even more of a funk.  Later!

WHAT DID I DO???

I made a mess at work yesterday and today I get to clean it up.  I only had a few hours of sleep last night because I couldn't put my book down.  Liz is going to love me but I definitely have things for the volunteers to do tonight.  Plus it will keep Annette and I busy as well this morning.  Heck it will even keep Harriet busy in the back room.  I may love getting rid of old, crappy books a bit too much...lol.  I will sleep well tonight that is for sure.

Anyways, got to head to Chippewa first so I got to go get ready.  Now what am I going to do for lunch.  That is the question.  Maybe I'll throw together something quick before I leave...ugh...that's the problem with taking lunch I have to make it...