Every day since Thanksgiving has become more and more of a struggle for me. I have been feeling more and more alone in this world. One of the friends I would turn to and talk to about the issues is the reason I feel this way. The other is across the ocean and hard to get in touch with (time differences suck). So I have been turning to my books and movies to cheer me up and it has help but today I got to thinking and now the struggle is back in full force.
A month ago I would have told you that things couldn't have been better. That also would have been a lie. I have been keep my emotions so locked up tight that nobody has even noticed something isn't right. Then again even if I didn't lock them up I doubt anybody would have noticed. In my loneliness, I am wearing a shirt that my friend got me and a sweatshirt he left in my car a long time ago and I kept.
I can honestly say that I can't wait for Christmas to be over. I am ready for a new year and another fresh start. This past year has been full of mistakes and regrets and I am ready to get away from them. I am going to get myself back in shape physically, financially and mentally. I already have my debt payment plan in place and if everything goes according to plan I should have all my debt paid off by May. So June is all about using the savings to get a car and start looking into apartments and furnishings.
I have decided to stick around New Brighton and continue at the library until I know what the heck I am going to do with my life. I am going to save up my money and plan a trip somewhere overseas. But like I said this will only happen if things go according to plan and my depression shopping stays at bay. I already preordered all the books I absolutely have to have next year, so that is all taken care of. So far there are only a few movies I have to have at the beginning of the year, one is already preordered. I still have all my old jeans and other clothes so when I am physically in shape I won't have to buy much in the way of new clothes. I will fit in those size sixes again soon...I swear it.
I don't want to be stuck in this rut the rest of my life. I want to be happy. I want to be with somebody that I trust and love for the rest of my life. I want to travel. I want to have a savings. I want to be stable. But right now I don't have any of that. I am not happy. I don't have the person I trust and love most in the world forever. I can't travel. I have no savings. I am definitely not stable. I just am. I am tired of just being because it isn't a good life.
Ok. I am out of here before I slump into even more of a funk. Later!
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