There hasn't been much to update you all on but I have been doing A LOT of thinking lately.  I always thought that by 27 (which I will be in 10 days) I would be happy, have my life together and have my own family.  Honestly I don't know what has changed in my life.  Obviously nothing has change except my attitude.  As a personal choice I no longer go to church, I have never felt comfortable there and it just keeps getting worse.  I am going through a divorce which is almost ready to be finalized.  I was only supposed to be back at the parents house for the summer and it has been almost a year (imagine that). 

There has been one noticable change in my life and that is my debt issue.  I have THREE bills left to pay off.  I am slowly working on two of them and they will be paid off by this time next year at the latest.  The other one I am just going to pay off as soon as possible.  But then there is the fact that I am going to need a car ASAP so I may have to go and get a car loan which I am not looking forward too.  I have been working my ass off to pay off my debt and I may not have a choice in the matter.  How rude!

As for the summer well the summer goals don't allow for relaxation.  I won't quit the library but I will have to find 1 or 2 other jobs to go along with it.  If I could do that I would be able to pay off the one bill and possibly get a cheap car for the time being.  I just know that the truck isn't going to last much longer so I have to get something soon.  I have to be able to get a cheap place apartment somewhere in the next few months too.  So I have got to try and work up to 3 jobs this summer so that I can get out of this rut I'm in.

While life is complicated there are bright points and I look forward to them every day.  I can't imagine my life without my friends, they have always been a comfort to me.  I wish they all lived closer but that is something I can live with to be honest.  I still talk to them as much as I can.  Well I guess that is all I have for now.  My mind is more relaxed and settled now that I got all this out.  Later!

Falling Apart is Easy...Fixing Things is Hard...

For almost a year I have been slowly transforming into the person I am meant to be.  There have been struggles and there have been good times.  Hopes have been dashed and brought to life.  People have come and gone and new places have been explored.  But the load I carry has been pushing me to the limit.  I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't sleep.  I lay awake at night and wish things were different.  I think about the things I regret and the things I want to come to life. 

But through the pain and the suffering of the last year a lot of really GREAT things have happened.  I got tired of the person I was because that person is what everybody else wanted me to be.  I stopped listening to everybody else and started doing what I wanted.  I am finally starting to be the person I want to be.  There are still obstacles in my path but they are becoming few and far between.  I am starting to be at peace with myself at long last.  It has only taken almost 27 years to find that peace but it is starting to happen. 

I still have a lot of issues I need to work out but it will happen in the long run.  The debt is almost all paid off after this week, I will be left with only two bills and they will paid off this time next year, if not sooner.  No more loans or credit cards for me ever again after all this is paid off.  All cash from now on.  But gas prices are killing me they jumped between $3.79 and $3.85 in a matter of two hours.  I filled up Monday for $3.75 and it cost me $62.  I need a car and my savings is adding up so it won't be long before I can get a car. 

Well I'm unable to word the rest of my thoughts so I'm heading out for now.  Maybe tomorrow the rest will be easy to get out correctly.  Later!

Valentine's Day my foot...

So last week was an off week.  I felt alone and ignored because none of my friends were responding to the multiple calls and texts and comments left for them.  So I stayed away from Facebook as much as possible and when I was on my status's may have been a bit harsh.  But the real thing is I knew that V-Day was just around the corner.

Let's set the record straight I HATE or better yet LOATHE Valentine's Day.  I always have.  Could it be that I have NEVER had a good Valentine's Day?  I've either been alone pining for my Valentine, dumped by my fiance, or been married but not in love.  All these things lead to the hatred of the day of love. 

While yes the day has it's great points, such as...

• Chocolate
• Adding to my stuffed bear/animal collection
• and you guessed it more chocolate

It also has it's downers, such as...

• Being alone
• Flowers (which I'm allergic too btw)
• and yep Chocolate

This is one of those days where lonely women gorge themselves with Chocolate so that they feel loved.  The only thing I want for Valentine's Day is a simple "Hi, how are you? I miss you!" from a great guy.  I look forward to it every year and I haven't gotten it yet.  Hence the reason for no good Valentine's Day.  This year I was especially looking forward to it due to some really hard issues I am going through.  But then I realized I don't even need that.  While yes it would have been great, I realized that I don't need a guy to make me happy.  I just need to find the happiness inside me and let it show.

So this morning I donned my red tank top, jeans and a nice white dress shirt with belt.  I went to work and had a great day.  I came home and took a nap.  Then I watched Life As We Know It twice.  I listened to and posted some GREAT music (love songs coincidentally) to facebook.  I didn't let the day get to me.

Now I am ready to start a new day again tomorrow.

Another Year Come and Gone!!!

So while this year hasn't started out the best I have been thinking about the past year. Where did the year go last year. Not a lot happened for me at all, but let's find out where the year went.

• January: Well I started the year off in Germany. I got back to Utah for my nephew's birthday party. Let's not forget this is where the bulk of the doctors appointments start. Also celebrated my sister in law Tammy's birthday. Oh and let's not forget all the job hunting done.

• February: Let's see more doctors appointments. Took the census test in order to be a census worker. Didn't get the job. Lots of trips to school with Tammy as well.

• March: Brought more doctors appointments (imagine that). Celebrated another sister in law Andrea's birthday. Got to hang out with Debbie and her kiddo's on Simon's birthday. Lots of trips to school with Tammy. Oh and let's not forget the Relief Society Birthday Dinner.

• April: Was a crazy month Tim got to come home for Easter and wound up staying the whole month due to a volcano erupting and blacking out all of Europe. General Conference was happening as we were driving to Idaho (what a trip that was). Another visit to the doctors (only one this month...lol). We got our taxes done and did a lot of shopping that we shouldn't have. We spent 3 days in southern Utah camping and exploring. I also got a lot of bills either paid off or paid current (which was great).

• May: I started looking into going back to school which included more paperwork. Spent some time with my friend Debbie and talking to old friends I had lost contact with via the internet. For once no doctor's appointments.

• June: What a crazy month. I started the month with doctor's appointments. I celebrated my birthday with the in-laws and Debbie's family. Then I got to spend a wonderful stress free weekend with my friend Ben in Mississippi and New Orleans. I moved to Debbie's house for a week when I decided to move back home. That week was crazy busy though. I had one last doctor's appointment, a free dinner, a Relief Society dinner, a bridal shower and did some babysitting. After getting home to Pennsylvania I spent a lot of time with a friend Sirena. I had a Graduation Party and a birthday party for people from church.

• July: Really started the job hunt. I had several interviews as well. We also had a 4th of July party (it was actually a 9th of July party). I worked through some of the issues I was facing.

• August: This was another crazy month. It started with the Mattocks Family Reunion. Had a few interviews. There was also the Ketcham Family Reunion. That was just the first week. The next week there were more interviews, Aunt Brenda flew in and there was a family picnic at Grandma's. We spent the next week at Holden Beach, NC soaking up the sun. When we got back I started working for Usborne books and more, I was an extra in a movie, had my first book party and started working at the New Brighton Public Library.

• September: Was full of work and funeral's. I had several book shows to get me started. My friend Sirena's grandfather passed away as well as my friend Melissa's father this month. Oh and the jeep broke down and needed a new engine. So it was a very odd month with all the strange deaths and working both jobs while sharing a car with mom.

• October: Was Halloween :) my favorite holiday. I did a lot of work at the library and had a lot of parties with Usborne. I also had my first book fair for Usborne. I worked on paying off some debts and hung out with friends as much as I could. Oh and I finally made it in to get my hair cut.

• November: I started the month out with a couple parties. Mostly I just worked this month. It was different being home for Thanksgiving. Nothing has changed much there since I left.

• December: Well there was work as usual. But there was also Christmas and birthday's. There was dad and grandpa's birthday a few days before Christmas. I headed to Kendrew's for Ben's first night in town with Sirena and we just kind of chilled. Brenda and all the Gruber cousins were home. We had the usually Christmas Eve party. Christmas day was crazy with everybody around. Sirena and I headed to the movies in Ohio to see RED (great movie). New Year's Eve morning I spent with Ben and then spent the rest of the day running back and forth to the store.

• But then the new year started and it didn't start good at all. I woke up at 6:30 on New Year's Day to the pouring rain and texted Ben goodbye. I fell back to sleep and woke up in a deep depression, needless to say I spent the day sleeping for the most part. Sunday I woke up and my eye was completely swollen shut due to a freaking Sty. I had that all week and it finally cleared up last night. But now I'm onto being sick to my stomach. What next? But I have an appointment Monday for a possible bookfair and have a whole week off this month. I'd really like to go see Ben before he goes to Germany but I don't think that will happen as I don't have the money. I'm going to work hard to get past the aweful first week of the year.

• As you can see the last year was pretty boring in the beginning but wound up getting better once June showed up. Now I am moving onto the next chapter of my life. This year will lead to filing for divorce as well as starting to pay off more debts. I have lots of goals for this year and I can't wait to start working on them. I am ready to move on from the drama that has been my life the last year and a half. I am ready to get past the mistakes I've made and there have been many. The first and most important goal is to get all the debts paid off (4 left) so I can get a car, move out again and get a phone that works. Those are just a few of the major goals.

• I guess that is all for now. It feels so good to get that all out in the open. I haven't wanted to mention the divorce because it was kind of a sore subject for a while. No not because it's the wrong choice but because I was getting pissed off about some stuff it involved. Now that is all for today's blog. I will do better of posting now that it is out in the open.

Random rantings of a tired mind...

I can't get over how slow the library has been. There were a lot of spurts of people coming and going but most of the time nobody was there. It is kind of freaky sometimes actually. Josie and I sat there talking most of the time or reading. I still can't believe Christmas is in like 4 days and the new year is in a little less than two weeks. This blog is going to have a ton of really random stuff in it sorry I just have a lot I have to get off my mind so that I can sleep well tonight. I should actually be asleep so I can get up and into work on time (not that I'm ever late) but I'm not used to having to go in anytime before 1 and I'm opening at 11:30 tomorrow. Kind of sucks I like closing.

Tomorrow my friend Ben gets home for Christmas leave and a bunch of people he knows will be meeting up at Kendrew's Lounge. I may go join them but we'll have to wait and see. I haven't seen him since my birthday in June and may not see him for a while as he is being stationed over in Germany after he graduates C school for the Navy. I am excited for that to say the least.

I don't have plans for Wednesday or Thursday YET! Thursday night everybody is going to the Steelers game...which I am all good with. So while the cat's are away the mouse will play. I know that isn't the right way but guess what I don't care. I'll probably spend the day cleaning since we are having the annual Christmas Eve party at our house. I do have a little last minute baking to do as well so between Thursday and Friday it should all be taken care of. I may even go to a Christmas Eve thing at my friend Josie's church to hear her sing...haven't decided on that yet.

I have to start another baby blanket here soon too. I got a friend who is due in March and since time flies got to do it now before I forget and run out of time. I got my sewing supplies and a few other things in the mail today. Hopefully the other box comes tomorrow so I have my nice coat to wear for Christmas and all the other festive things before me in the next couple weeks.

There is so much going on in my mind that I can't even figure out what all I want to say anymore. There was a point to this blog when I started but I don't remember what it was now and I don't think I hit on it. How sad is that? Well I am off to bed. Later.

Waiting for the new door to open...

• So here we are a week until Christmas. Which means there is only two weeks left in the year. How crazy is that. I am super excited about the next couple weeks, let's just hope all the plans follow through instead of fall through. Tomorrow I work and then I'm going out with a friend from work. Sunday I am working around the house. Monday I got calls to make and then work. Tuesday one of my best friends will be home for two weeks and I hope to get to hang out a ton because sometime next month he is being transferred to Germany. Today I am cleaning my room which is long over due and I may not have another chance to do it anytime soon.

• So my coming weeks are not what this blog is actually about. This blog is kind of a recap of this past year. I started the year in Germany. I found out that I have asthma and had a few great vacations. Around Easter the Barnett family headed to the Lake Powell, Utah area and experienced Goblin's Gulch (? I think that's the right name) and some of the other amazing formations down that way. In June I headed down to visit my best friend Ben in Mississippi where we visited New Orleans as well. Now that was a great trip and I enjoyed spending my birthday with my friend. At the end of June I came home to Pennsylvania and in August the Mattocks family headed to the sunny beach of Holden Beach, NC.
• What else happened this year? I started writing again in June which I haven't done in years. I was an extra in a movie that comes out fall of next year. I started my dream job of working as a librarian at the New Brighton Library. I also became an Independent Consultant for Usborne Books and More. I am looking for something else part time to supplement the extra pay so I can afford to take care of all the coming events in my life.
• I have experienced driving in snow again for the first time in almost THREE years. I was a wreck that day. I got used to it quickly but really hope it doesn't snow again anytime soon. I love how pretty things are when there is snow on the ground but I HATE driving in it.
• What else can I tell you about? I've made a couple new friends since being back in PA and rekindled a few old friendships to. It has been GREAT! I miss my friends who are back in Utah and down in Mississippi a ton though. I have started paying off the debt that is still hanging around. Only two bills to go finally I paid most of it off the middle of the year.
• All in all I guess you could say it has been a great day. A lot has started and a lot has ended and a ton of goals have been reached. The next year will be crazy as well but who wants quite and dull...not me obviously. But I can say that when one door closes another one opens but I'm still waiting for the other one to open.
• I am ready to enjoy the Christmas and New Years Holidays and I am SO ready for that new door to open and to move on. The next time you hear from me it will most likely be the new year and I will fill you in on the goals for next year. I'm off to clean my room and BAKE only two more kinds of cookies to make and I'm done. Christmas Eve party as usual so next Friday will be kinda crazy and apparently Aunt Brenda is coming home for Christmas. Later!!

RANT

There is a lot to say but I don't know where to start as usual. This Thursday is Thanksgiving and I was hoping to be somewhere warm for the long weekend but that isn't happening. I was also hoping to have a car and be living somewhere warm year round. I love the snow but I HATE the cold. Due to the constant weather changes I have been sick most of the time since well the end of September I think. Well not sick sick but either my sinuses have been acting up or I have had laryngitis (wow I didn't even know I knew how to spell that...lol). I have been missing my nearest and dearest friends and my sisters in law so very much lately it is killing me. I have been working hard and trying my best to keep a smile on my face every day. Some days are harder than others but I manage it while people are around at least which is better than nothing I guess. Thanksgiving Day is going to be kind of hard I think. The thing getting me down the most is the fact that I never have any money after the paycheck pays all the bills. I am getting so frusterated with everything that is going on money wise. I currently have $17 to my name and that is going to get me gas tonight. I am supposed to be getting money for the housing but still haven't seen that. At this point I think I'm bout to just go and talk to somebody at a nearby recruiting office and see what I can do about that. I have been waiting almost two months for that to happen...I resent him my bank info so that he could do it almost two weeks ago and still nothing. People wonder why I get so iritated and can't stand them, things like this are the reason. I am screwed if I don't get the money in the bank soon because like I said I don't have a dime and my stuff is still out in Debbie's garage which I can't do anything about since I never have the money after bills get paid. What else do I have to rant about? Nothing I don't think. Until next time!