Random rantings of a tired mind...

I can't get over how slow the library has been. There were a lot of spurts of people coming and going but most of the time nobody was there. It is kind of freaky sometimes actually. Josie and I sat there talking most of the time or reading. I still can't believe Christmas is in like 4 days and the new year is in a little less than two weeks. This blog is going to have a ton of really random stuff in it sorry I just have a lot I have to get off my mind so that I can sleep well tonight. I should actually be asleep so I can get up and into work on time (not that I'm ever late) but I'm not used to having to go in anytime before 1 and I'm opening at 11:30 tomorrow. Kind of sucks I like closing.

Tomorrow my friend Ben gets home for Christmas leave and a bunch of people he knows will be meeting up at Kendrew's Lounge. I may go join them but we'll have to wait and see. I haven't seen him since my birthday in June and may not see him for a while as he is being stationed over in Germany after he graduates C school for the Navy. I am excited for that to say the least.

I don't have plans for Wednesday or Thursday YET! Thursday night everybody is going to the Steelers game...which I am all good with. So while the cat's are away the mouse will play. I know that isn't the right way but guess what I don't care. I'll probably spend the day cleaning since we are having the annual Christmas Eve party at our house. I do have a little last minute baking to do as well so between Thursday and Friday it should all be taken care of. I may even go to a Christmas Eve thing at my friend Josie's church to hear her sing...haven't decided on that yet.

I have to start another baby blanket here soon too. I got a friend who is due in March and since time flies got to do it now before I forget and run out of time. I got my sewing supplies and a few other things in the mail today. Hopefully the other box comes tomorrow so I have my nice coat to wear for Christmas and all the other festive things before me in the next couple weeks.

There is so much going on in my mind that I can't even figure out what all I want to say anymore. There was a point to this blog when I started but I don't remember what it was now and I don't think I hit on it. How sad is that? Well I am off to bed. Later.

Waiting for the new door to open...

• So here we are a week until Christmas. Which means there is only two weeks left in the year. How crazy is that. I am super excited about the next couple weeks, let's just hope all the plans follow through instead of fall through. Tomorrow I work and then I'm going out with a friend from work. Sunday I am working around the house. Monday I got calls to make and then work. Tuesday one of my best friends will be home for two weeks and I hope to get to hang out a ton because sometime next month he is being transferred to Germany. Today I am cleaning my room which is long over due and I may not have another chance to do it anytime soon.

• So my coming weeks are not what this blog is actually about. This blog is kind of a recap of this past year. I started the year in Germany. I found out that I have asthma and had a few great vacations. Around Easter the Barnett family headed to the Lake Powell, Utah area and experienced Goblin's Gulch (? I think that's the right name) and some of the other amazing formations down that way. In June I headed down to visit my best friend Ben in Mississippi where we visited New Orleans as well. Now that was a great trip and I enjoyed spending my birthday with my friend. At the end of June I came home to Pennsylvania and in August the Mattocks family headed to the sunny beach of Holden Beach, NC.
• What else happened this year? I started writing again in June which I haven't done in years. I was an extra in a movie that comes out fall of next year. I started my dream job of working as a librarian at the New Brighton Library. I also became an Independent Consultant for Usborne Books and More. I am looking for something else part time to supplement the extra pay so I can afford to take care of all the coming events in my life.
• I have experienced driving in snow again for the first time in almost THREE years. I was a wreck that day. I got used to it quickly but really hope it doesn't snow again anytime soon. I love how pretty things are when there is snow on the ground but I HATE driving in it.
• What else can I tell you about? I've made a couple new friends since being back in PA and rekindled a few old friendships to. It has been GREAT! I miss my friends who are back in Utah and down in Mississippi a ton though. I have started paying off the debt that is still hanging around. Only two bills to go finally I paid most of it off the middle of the year.
• All in all I guess you could say it has been a great day. A lot has started and a lot has ended and a ton of goals have been reached. The next year will be crazy as well but who wants quite and dull...not me obviously. But I can say that when one door closes another one opens but I'm still waiting for the other one to open.
• I am ready to enjoy the Christmas and New Years Holidays and I am SO ready for that new door to open and to move on. The next time you hear from me it will most likely be the new year and I will fill you in on the goals for next year. I'm off to clean my room and BAKE only two more kinds of cookies to make and I'm done. Christmas Eve party as usual so next Friday will be kinda crazy and apparently Aunt Brenda is coming home for Christmas. Later!!

RANT

There is a lot to say but I don't know where to start as usual. This Thursday is Thanksgiving and I was hoping to be somewhere warm for the long weekend but that isn't happening. I was also hoping to have a car and be living somewhere warm year round. I love the snow but I HATE the cold. Due to the constant weather changes I have been sick most of the time since well the end of September I think. Well not sick sick but either my sinuses have been acting up or I have had laryngitis (wow I didn't even know I knew how to spell that...lol). I have been missing my nearest and dearest friends and my sisters in law so very much lately it is killing me. I have been working hard and trying my best to keep a smile on my face every day. Some days are harder than others but I manage it while people are around at least which is better than nothing I guess. Thanksgiving Day is going to be kind of hard I think. The thing getting me down the most is the fact that I never have any money after the paycheck pays all the bills. I am getting so frusterated with everything that is going on money wise. I currently have $17 to my name and that is going to get me gas tonight. I am supposed to be getting money for the housing but still haven't seen that. At this point I think I'm bout to just go and talk to somebody at a nearby recruiting office and see what I can do about that. I have been waiting almost two months for that to happen...I resent him my bank info so that he could do it almost two weeks ago and still nothing. People wonder why I get so iritated and can't stand them, things like this are the reason. I am screwed if I don't get the money in the bank soon because like I said I don't have a dime and my stuff is still out in Debbie's garage which I can't do anything about since I never have the money after bills get paid. What else do I have to rant about? Nothing I don't think. Until next time!

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

When the world sees me for who I really am is when I will be truly happy. And by the world I don't mean it literally. I mean it as in my world...that one person or thing that makes the world worthwhile and meaningful. There is so much that I want to say but like I said yesterday some things can't be said until they are completely sorted out which will be a year when Tim gets back from deployment. This struggle is bigger than anything I have ever dealt with before and it is a choice that I never saw myself having to make but here I am stuck on the verge of a nervous breakdown with this decision and can't talk to anybody about it because it is something I HAVE to figure out on my own. It has thrown me in a slump because it is all I could think about yesterday I worked my butt off to keep my mind shut off but it didn't work so here I sit depressed, angry at the world and in a place where not a damn thing will go right. I haven't been able to talk to my best friend lately because he has been sick with the flu all week and I always seem to catch him when he is falling asleep. I don't have a penny to my name right now. Wednesday I should be all good again depending on how good the party is and Friday I will definitely be all good since I have a second party then. In two Saturday's I have my first booth up in Cranberry so I will finally be getting my name out there. Now to just find the $30 to register for the booth. I am so lost and confused right now...I really need to get out of my head and stop thinking about it all. Well only about half an hour before my shift starts so I am off and will update you all again soon.

Wow has a lot happened since the last time I posted but I can't talk about half of it yet as it isn't all resolved yet. Some of the things that have happened are showing to cause a ton of conflict for me. I can't wait for things to finally make sense and get better but for now I will continue struggling and making due. I am working two jobs and looking for another one that I can do full time from home. That is raising a bit of an issue but that is a normal occurrence in my life. I am working at the library part time and selling the Usborne books. The library is great with only one small hitch in the fact that it only pays on the 15th of every month (that's it...once a month) so I struggle to make ends meet through out the month. The Usborne thing is starting slow since I wasn't able to get my name out there but this coming month I am taking a Saturday off and doing my first booth which will get me out there. I have had one good party but the rest have pretty much been duds. I am still keeping at it though and refuse to give up. I don't really have anything else that I can say here for now. All I can say is I can't wait to be able to stop struggling with all this stuff locked up inside of me. Only one person knows the whole story and that's how I'm going to keep it for now. It's Halloween my favorite holiday and I totally don't get the chance to dress up. It is a depressing Halloween this year but what can I say not all years can be good. I know that next year will be better because I won't have all this crap on my plate. But next month should be a lot better. I still can't believe that in TWO days it will be November. Where did this year go? Hopefully come January I will have all this worked out be able to talk about it but for now I will be keeping you in suspense. Later mom wants to use her laptop so I have to get off of it. I will try to keep you up to date from now on. Should be a lot to tell soon.

Blah...

• So today kind of sucks. I went to work but I haven't had a voice all day. It is starting to come back a little bit but while I was really cold at work I am really hot at home. I am thinking the thermometer was wrong and that I have a fever but whatever. I go into work again tomorrow afternoon. But at least I get to sleep in and maybe get past this little bug. My first party was a success with three people I made $65 and got two parties from it. I do of course have other people who wanted to order so I have to find a time to go talk to all the others so that I can get their orders in soon and get more free books for my display. I went to the chat last night and got a lot of GREAT ideas for the Christmas season. I have another party this coming Sunday and the one for tonight had to be pushed back to next weekend. But they asked what our fall goals were and I have some major goals for each month. I have to for my life goals.

• That is another subject. If my plan works out I will be able to pay off every single bill I currently have by the end of November. I will try to have all but Dell paid off next month. Which would leave like $1900 on my Dell card which should be easy to pay off the following month. We will have to wait and see how that goes. But with at least 15 parties next month, plus 2 book fairs in the Cranberry area, and I am going to take the Literacy for a Lifetime that Leigh Ann has for me. With that next month and my library job I should have at least $2800 I think coming in next month. In November and December I should be able to fit in 10 to 12 shows and 1 book fair each month. But first I have to get some major leads. I am going to have a Christmas Open house for Usborne as well. We'll see what happens.

• In other news...I'm loving the library and I am caught up with Dell payments. I feel like crap today and really want to head to the warm beach again. It is getting cold here and all my stuff is stuck in Utah. Dad thinks he might be able to fix my laptop so Tammy is looking for it and will send it to me if she finds it. Tonight GLEE starts and I am super duper excited about that. Since I knew I wouldn't be able to spend money the next few months I kind of splurged and ordered season 1 of Glee and season 2 of Wildfire (a total of like $30). But in a couple months I will be able to spend money however I want. But from now on anything I buy I will be able to afford...NO more CREDIT CARDS for me.

• Well I don't think I have much else to mention right now so I am off to do some work. Maybe lay down and read for a while. Later

Plan of the Century...

• So I was just looking at my friend Debbie's blog "Fighting the Girth" and it got me thinking. I weighed myself while on vacation and since I got home I have gained almost 20 of the almost 60 that I lost in Utah. Which means it is time to start walking daily again but the problem is that everywhere I turn here is a BIG hill. So that means I either have to start going to Brady's Run after work or use the treadmill which I hate (however doing that I could watch movies/tv or read). The point is I don't look like I have gained the weight but I know that I have so it is time to lose it all again. But I am still trying to get rid of the little bit of fat in my stomach and tone up my arms. That is besides the point though...I just want to get rid of the 20 pounds I gained after moving back to Pennsylvania. I'm sure it is all the stress I have been under without a job and with other situations in life.
• I now have two jobs and I started both of them in the past two weeks and both have to do with books. The first one is a librarian at the New Brighton Library. To be honest that has always been one of my dream jobs. So I am very happy there and the past two days there have been great. The people are great and I am learning a LOT!! The second is as an Independent Consultant for Usborne Books. I love these books and I have learned a lot from the books I've read. I had my first party last Saturday night and made $15 but she is still taking orders so I will hopefully get some more soon. I have to wait until my new debit card comes to actually place the first order. I am going to have my party in two weeks and I already have my first two parties booked for September.
• These stupid bugs in the house are starting to freaking get on my nerves. I am sitting here trying to type or eat and they are all over me. It is SO annoying...I am glad to get out of the house for a few hours every day.
• This weekend is the Canfield Fair and I am still debating on whether I want to go at all. I usually go to check out the horses and get a funnel cake/elephant ear and maybe ride some rides. But they are going Saturday for the Truck and Tractor pulls...LAME and Monday they are going for the horse shows...also LAME!! So like I said I may not even go at all. I have Friday off but I am going to spend the day giving the dog a bath and doing any errands I have. I am also going to have a GLEE marathon...well Volume 1 at least. Tomorrow after work I am spending some much needed time cleaning my room and picking a date for my own home show for Usborne books.
• Things in other aspects of my life are still iffy. I am trying to let go of some different things in my life but I can't because they won't let go of me. I know this probably doesn't make much sense to most of you but there are a few who will understand what I mean. Eventually everybody will know but for now I am not ready to share all the details with everybody.
• Can I just leave you with this one random thing. I love anything that is musical related...I'm sitting here typing and dancing along to the songs in Glee. The last one was Bust A Move...love it. K...well I am off for today. I will try to update more this month that I have been. LATER!!