So when I came home to Pennsylvania in June of 2010 I weighed a total of 125 pounds and I looked great. I had been home about 6 months before I gained 30 of the 50 pounds I had lost back. So here it is January 2012 and I am holding steady at 160 pounds and I hate it because I am out of all my pants. I did good at Christmas and Thanksgiving but I think that is because nobody made any good desserts...lol. But now it is time to lose the weight and I'm not sure how that is going to work. Last time I lost it all it was because I walked alot, didn't have time to eat, worked two jobs (one of which overnight) and lived off of Peanut M & M's.
I'm not saying I look bad or that I absolutely have to lose the weight. I would just like to be able to wear my size 4's and 6's again. I started right so far by trying to eat right. I have a few workout videos on my Netflix account. Since Thanksgiving I have lost 3 pounds just by cutting back on the amount of bread I was eating. So now to find the time to actually work out and I should start losing more and more weight.
My goal is to be back down to 125 pounds by spring. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I will manage it. If I have to stop eating I will and you can believe that, well not completely. I want to feel healthy again and I don't right now. I want to feel as beautiful as everybody tells me I am and I don't. I want to fit decently into my bikini's this year.
But on a completely different topic. I got my W-2 at work today and already did my taxes. I have to wait a couple days before I can actually submit my State taxes. But the actual work is done. I didn't have to pay anything on either but I don't get anything back from State. I get a big sum from my Federal taxes though. It is all going straight into SAVINGS so between the pay check and tax refund I will have about $400 this month. Not to mention I will have another bill paid off and the last two well on the way to being paid off.
So this year is starting off pretty darn well for me. I will have a car, move out and lose all my gained weight by the middle of the year. Oh and not to mention I will be DEBT FREE in MAY or before. I will be starting fresh this year and I am so ready for that. I plan to visit Utah this year at some point too, get the rest of my things. I will try to curb my movie and book spending this year and only buy what I absolutely need, which isn't much really.
I can't wait to see how this year ends up. Will I be happy? Will I find somebody new who wants to be with me? Will I be happy with myself? Will I become the Independent person I want to be? What good will this year do me? I hope I get all these things and more.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION!!!!
So this year has not started off well for a lot of people. I can gladly say that it hasn't been all that bad for me so far. But this post is not about that this post is about knowing who you are and knowing you have people there who will listen to you.
Yesterday in my home town there was a suicide. I don't know the whole story but apparently the girl walked out of class and then the school without being stopped. She proceeded to walk home when she was hit by a train. When I first heard about it I thought there was a car involved so like I said I don't know all the details.
I do know that our town has pulled together and had a candle light ceremony for the girl last night. This girl was a popular girl as well as a cheerleader. So why her? At the candle light ceremony last night her father said, "There is always somebody to listen. Never give up." A train passed as he was talking at which point he said, "That is what she heard and I wish I would have told her that."
I have felt the feelings she felt. I was never able to do what she did though. I have thought about it on several occasions throughout my life because I couldn't take it anymore. But every time I got that call or text or email from a friend and they listened. They magically appeared when I needed them. If you have just one person who will stop everything and talk to you then you have everything you need in life. That friend may be far away or right across the hall. They could have busy lives but when you need them they will drop everything and listen.
I guess what I am saying is that SUICIDE is NOT an option. Your life is precious. All you have to do is tell somebody that you trust that you need to talk and I guarantee they will drop what they are doing and talk to you for as long as it takes. I don't know that there is much else I can say on this topic but I needed to get that out.
I grieve for the family that lost this young senior in high school. She is in Heaven now where she won't have to struggle anymore. I may not have known her but for those of you who mourn her my heart goes out to you all and the family is in my prayers. I just hope that the sisters will manage to go on without her and they won't struggle as much as this your girl did.
Yesterday in my home town there was a suicide. I don't know the whole story but apparently the girl walked out of class and then the school without being stopped. She proceeded to walk home when she was hit by a train. When I first heard about it I thought there was a car involved so like I said I don't know all the details.
I do know that our town has pulled together and had a candle light ceremony for the girl last night. This girl was a popular girl as well as a cheerleader. So why her? At the candle light ceremony last night her father said, "There is always somebody to listen. Never give up." A train passed as he was talking at which point he said, "That is what she heard and I wish I would have told her that."
I have felt the feelings she felt. I was never able to do what she did though. I have thought about it on several occasions throughout my life because I couldn't take it anymore. But every time I got that call or text or email from a friend and they listened. They magically appeared when I needed them. If you have just one person who will stop everything and talk to you then you have everything you need in life. That friend may be far away or right across the hall. They could have busy lives but when you need them they will drop everything and listen.
I guess what I am saying is that SUICIDE is NOT an option. Your life is precious. All you have to do is tell somebody that you trust that you need to talk and I guarantee they will drop what they are doing and talk to you for as long as it takes. I don't know that there is much else I can say on this topic but I needed to get that out.
I grieve for the family that lost this young senior in high school. She is in Heaven now where she won't have to struggle anymore. I may not have known her but for those of you who mourn her my heart goes out to you all and the family is in my prayers. I just hope that the sisters will manage to go on without her and they won't struggle as much as this your girl did.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Taking off the Blinders!!!
We struggle through life because that is what we are supposed to do. We journey into the unknown because that is where we are led. If we are afraid to try new things and take that jump into the unknown then we won't find our true selves.
When the blinders come off what do you see? I see insecurity and the end of the tunnel. I see a life that I want. I see a family that I can't wait to start. I see a chance for true happiness. I know what lies ahead for me I just have to wait for the other person to come along and know it too.
Bad things happen to good people. I know a lot of bad things have happened to me and my friends. I know that life is worth the journey if your friends have your back. My friends are my family. They are the only people who truly understand what is going on with me. I know they care they just have a lot on their plates right now, but it is hard not to see them and talk to them.
I like everybody else struggle to hold onto that knowledge of taking the blinders off. I can still see it all every time I close my eyes and it gives me peace and comforts me to know that one day I will be truly happy. I await that day and wish it would come sooner rather than later. I wait patiently for my happy ending to come. Until then I work hard to make my life a better one for myself and try to make it as happy and joyful a life as I can.
When the blinders come off what do you see? I see insecurity and the end of the tunnel. I see a life that I want. I see a family that I can't wait to start. I see a chance for true happiness. I know what lies ahead for me I just have to wait for the other person to come along and know it too.
Bad things happen to good people. I know a lot of bad things have happened to me and my friends. I know that life is worth the journey if your friends have your back. My friends are my family. They are the only people who truly understand what is going on with me. I know they care they just have a lot on their plates right now, but it is hard not to see them and talk to them.
I like everybody else struggle to hold onto that knowledge of taking the blinders off. I can still see it all every time I close my eyes and it gives me peace and comforts me to know that one day I will be truly happy. I await that day and wish it would come sooner rather than later. I wait patiently for my happy ending to come. Until then I work hard to make my life a better one for myself and try to make it as happy and joyful a life as I can.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Year Resolution???
So after about 4 hours of sleep last night I am once again wide awake. I was nodding off all morning but now I'm fine...can anybody explain that too me. I just wanted to let you all in on some of my New Years Resolutions.
- Lose all the weight I gained in the last year
- Pay off all debt
- Move out and get a car
- Be happy
- Read at least 100 books
This past year I gained 25 pounds, paid off all but 3 bills, finalized my divorce, and started moving on to my next future. I read 90 some odd books which is why the goal is 100 for this year. I started writing again after a LONG stint of writers block. So in ways this past year has been very good and in ways it has been very bad.
My biggest concerns for this year will be paying off those last 3 bills and then getting a car and move out. I need my own place with plenty of room for storage and shelving. Maybe a two bedroom and then I will turn one room into a library for all my books and movies. I know I'm getting ahead of myself there. I can't even think about that until July or August.
As for the losing weight well I have already started that process. Since Thanksgiving I have cut back on my bread intake and have lost 3 pounds. So that means I've only got 22 left to go. I found some new dance workout routines I'm gonna try as well so that I can tone up as well.
So how will it go? Who knows? Anyways, I'm off to work on my first books of the year. Later!!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Baby Boom!!!
So between Thanksgiving and today I have learned that 1 friend and 4 cousins (all on the same side of the family) are pregnant. The cousins are apparently all due in July (crazy month for birthday's) and I believe the friend is due in June but possible July. I hate to say it but I kind of hate them all right now. That was the most depressing holiday I've had in a long time. I mean dwelling on the fact that while I really want kids of my own I may never have them makes for an unhappy holiday.
To keep my mind off of all the new July babies coming into my life I have spent the last bit of time occupying my mind with building my new shelves and watching Season 8 of One Tree Hill. Although the beginning of this season is kind of depressing and that's not good. It definitely is keeping my mind busy. Once they are all built it is time for a MAJOR reorganization which will be even better.
I actually did have a good Christmas and got a laptop at last and shelves that are much needed. It was just the rest of the day that was depressing. I miss my friends but the ones that aren't talking to me I have decided to give them space and they will come back eventually. She is just struggling and I wish I could help her through it like she has helped me through a ton of things as well. But when she is ready she will come back.
As for the coming year things are turning around for me. I will get out of this rut and will be debt free. I have already set up payments for two out of three of my remaining debts. The third I will settle in January I hope. Come June I will hopefully have my own car and in July I should be able to move out into my own place. All with my job at the library. Hopefully I will be able get a lot more Usborne business this year and that will help with saving for a car as well. Also I'm hoping to get both State and Federal Taxes back so that will go into my car savings as well. The few books and movies I want are already pre-ordered except for Breaking Dawn Part 1 that is.
Ok well I am off to finish cleaning and organizing and watching in order to get my mind off of things again.
To keep my mind off of all the new July babies coming into my life I have spent the last bit of time occupying my mind with building my new shelves and watching Season 8 of One Tree Hill. Although the beginning of this season is kind of depressing and that's not good. It definitely is keeping my mind busy. Once they are all built it is time for a MAJOR reorganization which will be even better.
I actually did have a good Christmas and got a laptop at last and shelves that are much needed. It was just the rest of the day that was depressing. I miss my friends but the ones that aren't talking to me I have decided to give them space and they will come back eventually. She is just struggling and I wish I could help her through it like she has helped me through a ton of things as well. But when she is ready she will come back.
As for the coming year things are turning around for me. I will get out of this rut and will be debt free. I have already set up payments for two out of three of my remaining debts. The third I will settle in January I hope. Come June I will hopefully have my own car and in July I should be able to move out into my own place. All with my job at the library. Hopefully I will be able get a lot more Usborne business this year and that will help with saving for a car as well. Also I'm hoping to get both State and Federal Taxes back so that will go into my car savings as well. The few books and movies I want are already pre-ordered except for Breaking Dawn Part 1 that is.
Ok well I am off to finish cleaning and organizing and watching in order to get my mind off of things again.
Friday, December 16, 2011
F U N K...
Every day since Thanksgiving has become more and more of a struggle for me. I have been feeling more and more alone in this world. One of the friends I would turn to and talk to about the issues is the reason I feel this way. The other is across the ocean and hard to get in touch with (time differences suck). So I have been turning to my books and movies to cheer me up and it has help but today I got to thinking and now the struggle is back in full force.
A month ago I would have told you that things couldn't have been better. That also would have been a lie. I have been keep my emotions so locked up tight that nobody has even noticed something isn't right. Then again even if I didn't lock them up I doubt anybody would have noticed. In my loneliness, I am wearing a shirt that my friend got me and a sweatshirt he left in my car a long time ago and I kept.
I can honestly say that I can't wait for Christmas to be over. I am ready for a new year and another fresh start. This past year has been full of mistakes and regrets and I am ready to get away from them. I am going to get myself back in shape physically, financially and mentally. I already have my debt payment plan in place and if everything goes according to plan I should have all my debt paid off by May. So June is all about using the savings to get a car and start looking into apartments and furnishings.
I have decided to stick around New Brighton and continue at the library until I know what the heck I am going to do with my life. I am going to save up my money and plan a trip somewhere overseas. But like I said this will only happen if things go according to plan and my depression shopping stays at bay. I already preordered all the books I absolutely have to have next year, so that is all taken care of. So far there are only a few movies I have to have at the beginning of the year, one is already preordered. I still have all my old jeans and other clothes so when I am physically in shape I won't have to buy much in the way of new clothes. I will fit in those size sixes again soon...I swear it.
I don't want to be stuck in this rut the rest of my life. I want to be happy. I want to be with somebody that I trust and love for the rest of my life. I want to travel. I want to have a savings. I want to be stable. But right now I don't have any of that. I am not happy. I don't have the person I trust and love most in the world forever. I can't travel. I have no savings. I am definitely not stable. I just am. I am tired of just being because it isn't a good life.
Ok. I am out of here before I slump into even more of a funk. Later!
A month ago I would have told you that things couldn't have been better. That also would have been a lie. I have been keep my emotions so locked up tight that nobody has even noticed something isn't right. Then again even if I didn't lock them up I doubt anybody would have noticed. In my loneliness, I am wearing a shirt that my friend got me and a sweatshirt he left in my car a long time ago and I kept.
I can honestly say that I can't wait for Christmas to be over. I am ready for a new year and another fresh start. This past year has been full of mistakes and regrets and I am ready to get away from them. I am going to get myself back in shape physically, financially and mentally. I already have my debt payment plan in place and if everything goes according to plan I should have all my debt paid off by May. So June is all about using the savings to get a car and start looking into apartments and furnishings.
I have decided to stick around New Brighton and continue at the library until I know what the heck I am going to do with my life. I am going to save up my money and plan a trip somewhere overseas. But like I said this will only happen if things go according to plan and my depression shopping stays at bay. I already preordered all the books I absolutely have to have next year, so that is all taken care of. So far there are only a few movies I have to have at the beginning of the year, one is already preordered. I still have all my old jeans and other clothes so when I am physically in shape I won't have to buy much in the way of new clothes. I will fit in those size sixes again soon...I swear it.
I don't want to be stuck in this rut the rest of my life. I want to be happy. I want to be with somebody that I trust and love for the rest of my life. I want to travel. I want to have a savings. I want to be stable. But right now I don't have any of that. I am not happy. I don't have the person I trust and love most in the world forever. I can't travel. I have no savings. I am definitely not stable. I just am. I am tired of just being because it isn't a good life.
Ok. I am out of here before I slump into even more of a funk. Later!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
WHAT DID I DO???
I made a mess at work yesterday and today I get to clean it up. I only had a few hours of sleep last night because I couldn't put my book down. Liz is going to love me but I definitely have things for the volunteers to do tonight. Plus it will keep Annette and I busy as well this morning. Heck it will even keep Harriet busy in the back room. I may love getting rid of old, crappy books a bit too much...lol. I will sleep well tonight that is for sure.
Anyways, got to head to Chippewa first so I got to go get ready. Now what am I going to do for lunch. That is the question. Maybe I'll throw together something quick before I leave...ugh...that's the problem with taking lunch I have to make it...
Anyways, got to head to Chippewa first so I got to go get ready. Now what am I going to do for lunch. That is the question. Maybe I'll throw together something quick before I leave...ugh...that's the problem with taking lunch I have to make it...
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