Unraveling!!

I don't know what is going on anymore.  I am lost and confused.  I have no time to myself.  I have no friends left.  I work non-stop.  I miss my best friends.  One hasn't talked to me in almost 2 years and one has failed to tell me one of the biggest things in his life.  Do I push people away?  Do they feel like they can't tell me things now?

I put up a big show but nothing I am showing is real.  The smile is fake, the things I say are fake, my life is fake.  I need something, somebody or somewhere new.  I need a life of my own.

My life is unraveling and I can't stop it.  There is so much I want to do in my life but I am stuck and unhappy and can't wait to be set free.  I don't know what else to say but I need the pieces to fit together again.

Doing it right this time...

So I have officially joined Dave Ramsey.  I don't have nearly as much debt as I used to but yes I still have a lot, especially with a new car loan and going back to school.  Anyways, I just made up a budget for the next year (tenative of course) and if everything stays as it is money wise I will be down to just a car loan by December.  Not to mention I will have $1000 in a Money Market account growing quickly. 

This month most of my paycheck will go to start my savings/money market account.  Minimum payments will also be made on the bills and yes I will have a little bit of extra spending money.  Next month I will finish off baby step 1 by completing the savings/money market account.  I will also pay off, in full and no settlement, the JCPenney card.  Still have to get the actual money for that from somebody.  Also there will be a small snowball on the Dell card as well.  October and November all of my money will go towards the Dell card and a small snowball will go to the Car Loan in November.  After November all of my money will be thrown at the Car Loan.  Like I said all of this depends on me getting the same pay every month.  Which means I have to continue indexing or pick up a new second job.  I also need to start selling more books again.

So much in my life depends on money and I hate it.  But I want to thank Debbie for introducing me to the Dave Ramsey method all those years ago.  I just wish I had really thought out this car loan.  I was SOOO close to being completely out of debt and able to afford a place of my own.  Now I can't...so not fun.  What was I thinking?  Yes I love my car, no I don't like the money owed on it.

Oh well, in other news I am still waiting to hear on the financial aid for school but should hopefully hear soon.  I don't want to have to take both grant and loans but I really want to start back up so I will do what I have to do.  I still have a scholarship book to go through as well.  I need to find a way to make money on the side...maybe I could make the last three blankets and sell them online for like $50 each.  I like to stay busy and  it is killing me lately to come home and not have anything to do.  So glad to have indexing right now.

I think that is all I have for tonight just needed to do my happy rant...lol.  Goodnight!

Times they are a-changing...

Okay so I have decided that since the main area that I need to lose the extra inches is in the waist I will be doing crunches and sit-ups every day...morning and night.  So far I did last night (that's when I started) and this afternoon.  I plan on doing some before I go to bed as well.  I have no junk food besides my candy sticks and jawbreakers left.  So I am doing good there.

I am excited I actually have a day to myself tomorrow.  No work and nothing to do until it is time to go to the meets.  Well that is a lie I have to call Huntington to fix a little situation, but other than that there isn't anything.  So I am spending the day out in the sun.  May even go swimming with a favorite little girl of mine, don't know yet.

I have one more week with my best friend here in town and am hoping to spend a little more time with him before he leaves.  I am not keeping my hopes up but we will see what happens there.  This week needs to pass with no rain and I will be happy.  Things are a-changing...I can feel it.  I need a little change in my life.  Later!

Inspiration in odd places...

So I haven't been feeling all that great about my body lately.  A little over two years ago I weighed in at 125 pounds and was wearing size 4 or 6 pants.  I did so good at keeping my weight down in Utah and I felt so much healthier and happier.  I don't feel that way anymore and I have been struggling to feel that way again.  The other day I was told I look great by somebody I trust beyond all others.  I still don't know that I completely believe said person since I don't always feel great.  But that isn't where the inspiration comes from.  I have a friend and even though she isn't talking to me at the moment I still read her blog religiously, so that I am semi up to speed when things turn around.  She is where the inspiration comes from.

Said friend just had twins within the last year.  She has challenged herself to lose the pregnancy weight so that she can feel healthier herself.  This is where the inspiration came from.  This amazing woman now has FOUR kids to keep her busy both day and night.  I don't know how she does it but she is an amazing inspiration to me.

I know I have mentioned this subject before but I really am ready to give it my all again.  I look at my smaller pants every day and continuously wish I could fit in them again.  I don't know how I am going to do it.  I don't have a workout video or anything to work with.  I don't have a diet in plan I just know that I want to and will feel better about myself.  I don't care about the weight because technically I'm not all that much overweight I just could be smaller in certain areas.

I am going to try my hardest to cut back on the sugar.  I have been doing pretty good so far but there is still a long way to go.  I will be trying my hardest to walk every day from here on out.  I know I may look good now but even more than that I know I could look GREAT!  It will take some work but I am ready to get at it again.  Everything else is falling into place so this will be no exception, it will fall into place just like everything else.

In other news I got a new car and am loving it.  I am hanging out with my friend Ben as much as I can while he is home and it has been much needed.  All three cousins and my friend have all had their kids finally.  Two new baby boys and three new baby girls.  It is an exciting time right now.  The girls are all here in Pennsylvania and the boys live in Utah and Alaska.  The new library director starts on Tuesday and I can't wait.  I think that is all I have for today.  I will keep you updated as to how everything is going.

This match = me vs new car

So things are starting to look up.  I paid off the First Financial leaving me with just a $50-ish Dell payment and a phone bill.  So that's right for the next few years I will be paying off a brand new car.  I am super excited about this and am hoping that it brings my credit score back up to a decent place.  However, I did learn that my credit score isn't nearly as bad as I thought it was, which is great!  Getting everything paid off and keeping up with payments for the last few years has helped out big time.  I am going to start my Emergency Fund/Savings next pay day so that if anything should happen I have money to cover it (EF) and if I want to take a overseas trip in the next couple years I can (savings).  They are going to be the same account as I already have three accounts and can't handle anymore.  Anyways, I was lucky enough to get decent monthly payments with dad as a cosigner and my gas prices will be cut at least in half so it is manageable while still throwing extra at Dell and putting some every month in the EF/Savings account.

My next big goal will be getting my own place.  So the savings will help with that as well.  No more spending on things I don't need or things I want but can't really afford.  That's right I am cleaning up my life one small step at a time.

I am struggling with a few other things going on but I am not ready to talk about them so I will let it go at that.  Just know that it has been a week and I am still struggling with something that happened last Friday.  Okay so I guess it hasn't been a full week but close enough.  The issue is I wanted it to happen and I want it to happen again but it can't.  I can't explain it all but I have a ton on my mind when it comes to that little situation and I am ready to see what happens.  I just wish I had all the answers right now and I could stop fighting to clear the path ahead of me and take the easy path where every thing I want is right there waiting for me.  I can't so I am continuing to dig the debris away.  A little bit of digging deeper never hurt anybody.

Anyways, I am beat beyond belief so I am going to bed.  I just wanted to let everybody know that life is great right now and I hope everybody feels that way.  I have partially made it through the dark beyond the dawn and I'm almost WIDE AWAKE!!!!

It's all Good on the current path

I don't even know what to say.  Today I learned that my best friends father died.  I am sad that he is coming home for a funeral but I am also happy that I may get to see him even under the circumstances.  I don't know what I feel about anything.  I can honestly say that I barely knew his day but I actually cried a bit when I read the news.  I didn't even cry about my relatives that died that I knew well.  I am torn beyond belief about so many things today.

But on a happy note...I will have $1000 saved for a car this month and will be looking into trying to find a cheap car to get me by till I can pay off the last couple bills, bulk up a savings account and work on school.  I want to be able to save enough to one day buy a brand new car with cash, have an apartment and be working on my degree.  After this month I will be throwing all my extra money at Dell and Penney's (I am still waiting to get the $700 for that from somebody who will remain nameless).  But next month I will pay off Penney's without a doubt and whatever is left we will go from there.  After that the entire paycheck will go towards Dell and savings so they are both decent size by December.

I filled out my FAFSA the other day and plan to go back to school come fall.  I am hoping to be able to get a decent sized grant as well as some scholarships.  The school also has some sort of payment plan that I am hoping to be able to get into.  I don't want to take a loan unless I absolutely HAVE to because I am finally almost out of debt and I don't want to go back into debt too much.  I will not HAVE to worry about doing any library science classes but I still think I will try to throw in the 9 hours anyways, just in case I wind up needing it down the road.

I did not get the Head Librarian position and all I can say is thank goodness.  This last couple months I have been SOOO stressed it isn't even funny.  I will most likely be training the new Librarian which is so completely and utterly hilarious it isn't even funny.  I am trying to get a few programs going at the library though.  The Teen Book Club didn't take so far but I have a Craft Hour planned and the first one is Wednesday afternoon so we will see how it goes.

Okay I think that is all I have for you right now.  I will keep you updated.

The boiling point!!!

I am done...I am so fed-up with all this shit.  I am saving every possible penny I have available for a car.  I am starting to pray that I get this new position and am killing myself with indexing.  Any money from indexing, any reimbursement money and half of my paycheck will go into savings (given to dad to hold onto).  Mid-July I plan to get a car with what is saved.  Beginning of August I will be out of this place.  I looked into apartments today and found one in Monaca that I really like.  I am really hoping I get this head librarian position so I can manage paying off the last of my bills, have an apartment and be able to get groceries.

The first few months in a new place will be spent getting furniture and other needed things for an apartment as well as paying off bills.  I am just glad that I got the bulk of my debt gone.  Only two bills left!!!!  One I am throwing as much as I can at each month.  The other one I still owe $450 or something on and am hoping to be able to throw all of a paycheck at it next month.  We will see how that goes.  Everything is starting to fall into place for me.  I keep saying that and everything falls apart but this time I can feel it.

I have been sick a lot the last month and I think it is all the stress I have been under.  I have been working 20 or more hour days for the last month.  Even my days off I spend working.  I am actually on a short break from work now.  I need a life that doesn't involve work all day long.  I spend every second of my day working one of three jobs.  There are days where I work until 1 or 2 in the morning just to wake up and do it all again.  Nobody understands how hard I work and then they bitch and moan about it.

So much I can't even put it all into words.  I will know tonight what happens with the job I hope.  If not tonight then this week sometime.  I have been unable to get into books lately as well but I did get started on a couple books this weekend.  I will go now and get back to work.  Later!!!