Hermit Alert!!!

So I just updated my Usborne blog and thought I should update this one as well.  I don't really have anything new going on.  I have decided to give up trying to lose the weight I hoped to lose.  Nobody really cares what I look like and at this point I don't even care what I look like.  If I had time to work out steadily every day I wouldn't give up but I don't.  I tried on pants yesterday and I am almost up another size, while I don't like it I have given up.

I went and saw One For the Money today after work by myself.  That's right by myself, nothing new there though.  People say I need a social life but to have a social life you have to have people you like and aren't always busy when you are free.  Sometimes life sucks.  So yeah due to complete differences of what is good I stick to my room and watch movies and read.  I would have a book instead of reality any day.

I have had a few business opportunities jump into my life.  I have a networking meeting on the 6th of February and a booth on the 13th of March.  Maybe they will pan out and I will get a lot of showings from them.  With my tax refund I am going to start ordering inventory and maybe do an indoor flea market or two.  I am going to buy things while they are in the online sale and then sell them full price.  I know technically that is cheating but that is also make money.  I don't know where I am going to store the inventory as I have NO room at all anywhere in my room.  I have used just about every single space available.

What else is there to say?  I think that is about it.  Mental break down from a few weeks ago is over.  I was sick all week due to this really crappy weather we have been having lately.  I feel awful about myself and I have become a hermit (besides work that is).  So nothing new at all...lol.

All the kings horses and all the kings men put Humpty Dumpty back together!!!

I have rebuilt the wall that cracked and it is completely safe to talk to me again.  I have to say talking to a patron at the library going through a similar situation with her friends helped rebuild the wall.  We were able to talk it out on Saturday and ever since I have been fine.

Yesterday I have no voice so I just kind of laid around and read.  I started book three in the Stephanie Plum series at the library Saturday and got halfway through it so I finished it yesterday.  I also started book four in the same series and read a bit more of book three in the Game of Thrones series.  All of them are great books. I also watched the two new movies in the Love Comes Softly Series and the first 3 1/2 of them on my laptop.  I felt pretty good other than no voice yesterday.

Today is back to work which means pulling books and all the fun stuff that goes with that.  We are almost done pulling the non fiction...thank goodness.  I will also be there basically on my own now that Allison is back at school.  Should be oh so much fun.

As for the rest of the week, well I work till Thursday.  Friday I have a facial in Cranberry.  I won it free from a Mary Kay consultant at one of my booths last year.  I have kept putting it off but I can't anymore.  Saturday I work again, imagine that.  Sunday I may be going to visit an Uncle I haven't seen in years.  I love how things go down and then you never see people again.  I'm not blaming anybody because I don't know what happened.  But this is one of my favorite Uncle's and hearing how my little 7 year old cousin referred to him made me miss him so much more.  So one day soon we will finally meet up.  I do hope it is this weekend.  Also this week I have to fit in some phone calls for Usborne and maybe make a few appointments for Friday.

Anyways, really just wanted to tell you the wall is fixed.  Life it is boring, but I like it that way more times than not.  I like my solitude there is nobody to bug me when I am alone which means I can do whatever I want while I figure things out.  In the long run yes I do want people there to bug me all the time but for now I am happy in my solitude.

La'ers

Nasty!!

Ok so random question.  If you know somebody can't eat fast food burgers why would you get dinner from somewhere that serves nothing but burgers and then ask if they are going to eat the one you bought them?  I now have to make my own dinner because mom stopped at 5 Guys and got burgers for everybody.  Even the fries were nasty, I only had a few and half weren't finished cooking and the other half were over done.  I don't know the last time I've had a restaurant burger because they always make me sick and while I love fries they have to be done properly and not rubbery.  I've made my own dinner every day this week you would think they would know what I can and can't eat.

However I have started rebuilding the wall in my brain.  While it goes up I have been keeping my mind busy with other things while it is going back up.  I don't want to think about any of the things I was keeping behind that wall for a very long time.  When I do the depression sinks in and I can barely function.  I don't remember a thing about Wednesday at all and I don't like that feeling at all.

The snow has come and I can't wait for it to leave.  Before any of you make a comment I only live in Pennsylvania because I have to not because I want to.  I can't stand the cold and the snow but for now I have to deal with it.  I don't like anything about Pennsylvania period, there is nothing in or about this place that I would miss.  Eventually I may even make to a place I can stand, like the beach somewhere.

Got to go get my food.  Then time for a shower and bed I think.  Later!

Breaking of the Dam

Who will save me from the fear and pain I feel?  Who will save me from myself?  Who will save me from my suffering?  The answer is I have to do it myself.


Today was the first day of a rut that I found myself in.  I hope that it is also the last day of said rut.  A lot of things have just been piling up in the back of my mind and the wall I put them behind has slowly been breaking. Last night the last of the wall fell away and it has all been plaguing me all day.  I was able to make it through the day by simply going through the motions.  I didn't talk much today in fear of what may come out of my mouth.  All my co-workers knew something was up and kind of left me to my own thoughts.  Even the patrons seemed to leave me on my own but there were three of us there so it wasn't hard to do.


I bet you are all wondering what these things I hid behind the broken wall were aren't you.  Well there are the usual things that I mention on here all the time.  The friend I am missing more than anything in this world (Debbie), my debt issues, my pain in the butt co-workers, and well a few others.  But there are a few things I either haven't mentioned on here before or haven't mentioned in a while.  I don't like to talk about them which is why they aren't on here often but I am going to get down and dirty in this blog.  It's all coming out before I go completely CRAZY!!!


So I never pictured myself having kids of my own.  I was perfectly content just hanging out with other peoples kids.  They loved to play and then they got to go home to their own families.  Since Thanksgiving however I have been feeling the want for kids of my own.  I don't know that I really want to get married again anytime soon but I do want to start a family soon.  I want to be with somebody who loves me enough to raise a family with me.  While yes I do have a few issues with spit up and way dirty diapers I do love being with kids.  I just want them to be my own sooner rather than later.  Maybe it is all the dreams I have been having but I REALLY want kids.


Now onto the other even harder thing to talk about.  I know I have mentioned this before but I know it has been a while.  Maybe some song lyrics will help me through this part.

There was a boy
A very strange
Enchanted boy
They say he wandered
Very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day
One magic day
He passed my way
While we spoke
Of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me
"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love and
Be loved in return"


This song is how I feel every day.  There is a boy and he is Very strange and Very enchanting.  He has wandered very far over both land and sea.  He is far from shy but can sometimes be sad of eye and is indeed very wise (when he wants to be).  One magic day we were introduced.  It didn't take long before I knew he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  We both married other people and divorced them.  Now neither of us are ready for marriage if we ever will be.  I just want to be with him I don't care if we ever end up married I just want him in my life FOREVER!!!  He is my best friend and I don't want things to be awkward between us either so it is a VERY tricky situation.

Now don't get me wrong I love my life I just wish some things were different.  I do know that I need to prove to myself that I am ready for all the above situations.  I need to live completely on my own for a bit, I need to have my debt paid off and I need to be able to have a car of my own and be able to maintain it.  This year I will prove that to myself and then I will worry about the rest of my dreams.  I will achieve my every dream.  I just have to remember that "A dream is a wish your heart makes."  My heart is ready for one dream to come true VERY soon but it may take a bit longer.

I think that is everything I have for tonight so come back soon and see how it all goes.

To See or Not To See

Ok so I have been to Germany once and didn't see much.  I did get to take pictures of some of the old buildings.  The above picture is one of the ones I took.  My experience in Germany was not a good one.  I was sick almost the entire time I was there and it really sucked.  Also I was there at Christmas visiting my ex-husband and while he had a lot of time off I still spent most of the time alone.  Being sick, alone and in a foreign country for the first time doesn't really make one too happy.

The above is a picture my friend Ben took in his first year of being in Germany.  I actually stole it from his Facebook page...lol.  It looks gorgeous and I have come to the conclusion that I will make it to Germany again before he is sent somewhere else.  I want to see the country side.  I want to see the pretty places.  I don't want my view of a town called Schweinfurt (Pig Fort) to be the only view of Germany.  Because well it SUCKS!

Lying in Wait

Yesterday I realized that I don't know the truth about what I really want.  I was talking to my friend and before we signed off he asked if I was okay?  Pretty easy to answer question right?  I said I was but I really wasn't.  It wasn't a lie at the time because I was okay when he asked.  The more I thought about that question "Are you okay?" I realized that I am far from okay and it has been that way for a while.

I have been lying to myself far too long.  I am supposed to be finding me and being me (part of the reason I need to move out) and I haven't been.  If I act like me around here I would have no car and no place to live in a split second I have no doubts about that.  I am sick of being somebody else's me I want to be my own person.  Only one person has seen the true me and that person hasn't seen it all by a long shot.

That isn't all I have been lying about but I don't really want to get into it on here.  The rest is a really sore subject for me at the time being and I don't like thinking about it at all.  Hence the reason I lock up inside and let it nudge me every once in a while.  Just wish this would change so I didn't have to hide it anymore.

Oh well I guess that is all I have for today.  Just wanted to say that.  Later

Boil, Boil, Toil and Trouble...

So things have been crazy this week and that is a good thing.  I got my room cleaned, I did all my returns, did some shopping, and YES started my workout schedule.  Today the weather was iffy so I spent the day finally doing all my laundry and I amazingly had 4 loads but I also did my blankets.  That is the first time in a LONG time I have actually sorted my laundry and had enough to do everything separate...I guess that is what happens when you don't do laundry for THREE weeks and your out of clothes.

As for working out I did a half hour of a cardio workout video via Netflix and loved it.  It mixes dance with cardio so it was fun.  It wasn't a workout at all with the dancing aspect.  I have done it twice, every other day, so far.  This workout is all about the abs.  I have been trying to stay busy at work and not sit much, so that takes care of the arms (lifting 10 + pounds of books at a time) and legs (climbing stools and walking around).  However my biggest concern is the stomach and hip/thighs, seeing as that is where I gained all my weight.

When I was at the store I bought Tangerines and crackers instead of candy.  I have stopped eating as much bread.  I am still working on finding other things to take for lunch instead of sandwiches.  I can't take Tuna every day, sure I love it but every day is just too much.  I want to be down to my size 6's again by April, mainly so I can use the next few months before Summer to fit in my swimsuits properly.

This year is the year of changes, once again.  I will lose the weight again, I will have a car, I will move out and I will be happy.  I got all my taxes sent in.  I already overspent on my budget but I will be getting refunded for some of it.  I will be trying to get some Usborne business in the coming weeks too.  Which reminds me I need to update my Usborne blog with all the new books.  Next week I will be making calls for that so we'll see what happens.  I have an indoor flea market that I am thinking about trying out a few times, in Monaca.

When taxes come in I will pay off my JC Penney's card and the rest will go into savings, well after I set some aside for gas money.  I don't have a Dell payment this month but I may try to pay a bit on that as well.  First Financial goes through automatically on the 21st, which is the only reason I still have 3 bank accounts. I look forward to May when the last payment goes through.  I am hoping that the last Dell payment goes through then too.  We will see how this year goes work wise.  So far it is looking good!

Other than that I don't really know what else to say so I am off to get some other work done.  Later!