Today was the first day of a rut that I found myself in. I hope that it is also the last day of said rut. A lot of things have just been piling up in the back of my mind and the wall I put them behind has slowly been breaking. Last night the last of the wall fell away and it has all been plaguing me all day. I was able to make it through the day by simply going through the motions. I didn't talk much today in fear of what may come out of my mouth. All my co-workers knew something was up and kind of left me to my own thoughts. Even the patrons seemed to leave me on my own but there were three of us there so it wasn't hard to do.
I bet you are all wondering what these things I hid behind the broken wall were aren't you. Well there are the usual things that I mention on here all the time. The friend I am missing more than anything in this world (Debbie), my debt issues, my pain in the butt co-workers, and well a few others. But there are a few things I either haven't mentioned on here before or haven't mentioned in a while. I don't like to talk about them which is why they aren't on here often but I am going to get down and dirty in this blog. It's all coming out before I go completely CRAZY!!!
So I never pictured myself having kids of my own. I was perfectly content just hanging out with other peoples kids. They loved to play and then they got to go home to their own families. Since Thanksgiving however I have been feeling the want for kids of my own. I don't know that I really want to get married again anytime soon but I do want to start a family soon. I want to be with somebody who loves me enough to raise a family with me. While yes I do have a few issues with spit up and way dirty diapers I do love being with kids. I just want them to be my own sooner rather than later. Maybe it is all the dreams I have been having but I REALLY want kids.
Now onto the other even harder thing to talk about. I know I have mentioned this before but I know it has been a while. Maybe some song lyrics will help me through this part.
There was a boy
A very strange
Enchanted boy
They say he wandered
Very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he
And then one day
One magic day
He passed my way
While we spoke
Of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me
"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love and
Be loved in return"
This song is how I feel every day. There is a boy and he is Very strange and Very enchanting. He has wandered very far over both land and sea. He is far from shy but can sometimes be sad of eye and is indeed very wise (when he wants to be). One magic day we were introduced. It didn't take long before I knew he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We both married other people and divorced them. Now neither of us are ready for marriage if we ever will be. I just want to be with him I don't care if we ever end up married I just want him in my life FOREVER!!! He is my best friend and I don't want things to be awkward between us either so it is a VERY tricky situation.
Now don't get me wrong I love my life I just wish some things were different. I do know that I need to prove to myself that I am ready for all the above situations. I need to live completely on my own for a bit, I need to have my debt paid off and I need to be able to have a car of my own and be able to maintain it. This year I will prove that to myself and then I will worry about the rest of my dreams. I will achieve my every dream. I just have to remember that "A dream is a wish your heart makes." My heart is ready for one dream to come true VERY soon but it may take a bit longer.
I think that is everything I have for tonight so come back soon and see how it all goes.
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