Hermit Alert!!!

So I just updated my Usborne blog and thought I should update this one as well.  I don't really have anything new going on.  I have decided to give up trying to lose the weight I hoped to lose.  Nobody really cares what I look like and at this point I don't even care what I look like.  If I had time to work out steadily every day I wouldn't give up but I don't.  I tried on pants yesterday and I am almost up another size, while I don't like it I have given up.

I went and saw One For the Money today after work by myself.  That's right by myself, nothing new there though.  People say I need a social life but to have a social life you have to have people you like and aren't always busy when you are free.  Sometimes life sucks.  So yeah due to complete differences of what is good I stick to my room and watch movies and read.  I would have a book instead of reality any day.

I have had a few business opportunities jump into my life.  I have a networking meeting on the 6th of February and a booth on the 13th of March.  Maybe they will pan out and I will get a lot of showings from them.  With my tax refund I am going to start ordering inventory and maybe do an indoor flea market or two.  I am going to buy things while they are in the online sale and then sell them full price.  I know technically that is cheating but that is also make money.  I don't know where I am going to store the inventory as I have NO room at all anywhere in my room.  I have used just about every single space available.

What else is there to say?  I think that is about it.  Mental break down from a few weeks ago is over.  I was sick all week due to this really crappy weather we have been having lately.  I feel awful about myself and I have become a hermit (besides work that is).  So nothing new at all...lol.

All the kings horses and all the kings men put Humpty Dumpty back together!!!

I have rebuilt the wall that cracked and it is completely safe to talk to me again.  I have to say talking to a patron at the library going through a similar situation with her friends helped rebuild the wall.  We were able to talk it out on Saturday and ever since I have been fine.

Yesterday I have no voice so I just kind of laid around and read.  I started book three in the Stephanie Plum series at the library Saturday and got halfway through it so I finished it yesterday.  I also started book four in the same series and read a bit more of book three in the Game of Thrones series.  All of them are great books. I also watched the two new movies in the Love Comes Softly Series and the first 3 1/2 of them on my laptop.  I felt pretty good other than no voice yesterday.

Today is back to work which means pulling books and all the fun stuff that goes with that.  We are almost done pulling the non fiction...thank goodness.  I will also be there basically on my own now that Allison is back at school.  Should be oh so much fun.

As for the rest of the week, well I work till Thursday.  Friday I have a facial in Cranberry.  I won it free from a Mary Kay consultant at one of my booths last year.  I have kept putting it off but I can't anymore.  Saturday I work again, imagine that.  Sunday I may be going to visit an Uncle I haven't seen in years.  I love how things go down and then you never see people again.  I'm not blaming anybody because I don't know what happened.  But this is one of my favorite Uncle's and hearing how my little 7 year old cousin referred to him made me miss him so much more.  So one day soon we will finally meet up.  I do hope it is this weekend.  Also this week I have to fit in some phone calls for Usborne and maybe make a few appointments for Friday.

Anyways, really just wanted to tell you the wall is fixed.  Life it is boring, but I like it that way more times than not.  I like my solitude there is nobody to bug me when I am alone which means I can do whatever I want while I figure things out.  In the long run yes I do want people there to bug me all the time but for now I am happy in my solitude.

La'ers

Nasty!!

Ok so random question.  If you know somebody can't eat fast food burgers why would you get dinner from somewhere that serves nothing but burgers and then ask if they are going to eat the one you bought them?  I now have to make my own dinner because mom stopped at 5 Guys and got burgers for everybody.  Even the fries were nasty, I only had a few and half weren't finished cooking and the other half were over done.  I don't know the last time I've had a restaurant burger because they always make me sick and while I love fries they have to be done properly and not rubbery.  I've made my own dinner every day this week you would think they would know what I can and can't eat.

However I have started rebuilding the wall in my brain.  While it goes up I have been keeping my mind busy with other things while it is going back up.  I don't want to think about any of the things I was keeping behind that wall for a very long time.  When I do the depression sinks in and I can barely function.  I don't remember a thing about Wednesday at all and I don't like that feeling at all.

The snow has come and I can't wait for it to leave.  Before any of you make a comment I only live in Pennsylvania because I have to not because I want to.  I can't stand the cold and the snow but for now I have to deal with it.  I don't like anything about Pennsylvania period, there is nothing in or about this place that I would miss.  Eventually I may even make to a place I can stand, like the beach somewhere.

Got to go get my food.  Then time for a shower and bed I think.  Later!

Breaking of the Dam

Who will save me from the fear and pain I feel?  Who will save me from myself?  Who will save me from my suffering?  The answer is I have to do it myself.


Today was the first day of a rut that I found myself in.  I hope that it is also the last day of said rut.  A lot of things have just been piling up in the back of my mind and the wall I put them behind has slowly been breaking. Last night the last of the wall fell away and it has all been plaguing me all day.  I was able to make it through the day by simply going through the motions.  I didn't talk much today in fear of what may come out of my mouth.  All my co-workers knew something was up and kind of left me to my own thoughts.  Even the patrons seemed to leave me on my own but there were three of us there so it wasn't hard to do.


I bet you are all wondering what these things I hid behind the broken wall were aren't you.  Well there are the usual things that I mention on here all the time.  The friend I am missing more than anything in this world (Debbie), my debt issues, my pain in the butt co-workers, and well a few others.  But there are a few things I either haven't mentioned on here before or haven't mentioned in a while.  I don't like to talk about them which is why they aren't on here often but I am going to get down and dirty in this blog.  It's all coming out before I go completely CRAZY!!!


So I never pictured myself having kids of my own.  I was perfectly content just hanging out with other peoples kids.  They loved to play and then they got to go home to their own families.  Since Thanksgiving however I have been feeling the want for kids of my own.  I don't know that I really want to get married again anytime soon but I do want to start a family soon.  I want to be with somebody who loves me enough to raise a family with me.  While yes I do have a few issues with spit up and way dirty diapers I do love being with kids.  I just want them to be my own sooner rather than later.  Maybe it is all the dreams I have been having but I REALLY want kids.


Now onto the other even harder thing to talk about.  I know I have mentioned this before but I know it has been a while.  Maybe some song lyrics will help me through this part.

There was a boy
A very strange
Enchanted boy
They say he wandered
Very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day
One magic day
He passed my way
While we spoke
Of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me
"The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love and
Be loved in return"


This song is how I feel every day.  There is a boy and he is Very strange and Very enchanting.  He has wandered very far over both land and sea.  He is far from shy but can sometimes be sad of eye and is indeed very wise (when he wants to be).  One magic day we were introduced.  It didn't take long before I knew he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  We both married other people and divorced them.  Now neither of us are ready for marriage if we ever will be.  I just want to be with him I don't care if we ever end up married I just want him in my life FOREVER!!!  He is my best friend and I don't want things to be awkward between us either so it is a VERY tricky situation.

Now don't get me wrong I love my life I just wish some things were different.  I do know that I need to prove to myself that I am ready for all the above situations.  I need to live completely on my own for a bit, I need to have my debt paid off and I need to be able to have a car of my own and be able to maintain it.  This year I will prove that to myself and then I will worry about the rest of my dreams.  I will achieve my every dream.  I just have to remember that "A dream is a wish your heart makes."  My heart is ready for one dream to come true VERY soon but it may take a bit longer.

I think that is everything I have for tonight so come back soon and see how it all goes.

To See or Not To See

Ok so I have been to Germany once and didn't see much.  I did get to take pictures of some of the old buildings.  The above picture is one of the ones I took.  My experience in Germany was not a good one.  I was sick almost the entire time I was there and it really sucked.  Also I was there at Christmas visiting my ex-husband and while he had a lot of time off I still spent most of the time alone.  Being sick, alone and in a foreign country for the first time doesn't really make one too happy.

The above is a picture my friend Ben took in his first year of being in Germany.  I actually stole it from his Facebook page...lol.  It looks gorgeous and I have come to the conclusion that I will make it to Germany again before he is sent somewhere else.  I want to see the country side.  I want to see the pretty places.  I don't want my view of a town called Schweinfurt (Pig Fort) to be the only view of Germany.  Because well it SUCKS!

Lying in Wait

Yesterday I realized that I don't know the truth about what I really want.  I was talking to my friend and before we signed off he asked if I was okay?  Pretty easy to answer question right?  I said I was but I really wasn't.  It wasn't a lie at the time because I was okay when he asked.  The more I thought about that question "Are you okay?" I realized that I am far from okay and it has been that way for a while.

I have been lying to myself far too long.  I am supposed to be finding me and being me (part of the reason I need to move out) and I haven't been.  If I act like me around here I would have no car and no place to live in a split second I have no doubts about that.  I am sick of being somebody else's me I want to be my own person.  Only one person has seen the true me and that person hasn't seen it all by a long shot.

That isn't all I have been lying about but I don't really want to get into it on here.  The rest is a really sore subject for me at the time being and I don't like thinking about it at all.  Hence the reason I lock up inside and let it nudge me every once in a while.  Just wish this would change so I didn't have to hide it anymore.

Oh well I guess that is all I have for today.  Just wanted to say that.  Later

Boil, Boil, Toil and Trouble...

So things have been crazy this week and that is a good thing.  I got my room cleaned, I did all my returns, did some shopping, and YES started my workout schedule.  Today the weather was iffy so I spent the day finally doing all my laundry and I amazingly had 4 loads but I also did my blankets.  That is the first time in a LONG time I have actually sorted my laundry and had enough to do everything separate...I guess that is what happens when you don't do laundry for THREE weeks and your out of clothes.

As for working out I did a half hour of a cardio workout video via Netflix and loved it.  It mixes dance with cardio so it was fun.  It wasn't a workout at all with the dancing aspect.  I have done it twice, every other day, so far.  This workout is all about the abs.  I have been trying to stay busy at work and not sit much, so that takes care of the arms (lifting 10 + pounds of books at a time) and legs (climbing stools and walking around).  However my biggest concern is the stomach and hip/thighs, seeing as that is where I gained all my weight.

When I was at the store I bought Tangerines and crackers instead of candy.  I have stopped eating as much bread.  I am still working on finding other things to take for lunch instead of sandwiches.  I can't take Tuna every day, sure I love it but every day is just too much.  I want to be down to my size 6's again by April, mainly so I can use the next few months before Summer to fit in my swimsuits properly.

This year is the year of changes, once again.  I will lose the weight again, I will have a car, I will move out and I will be happy.  I got all my taxes sent in.  I already overspent on my budget but I will be getting refunded for some of it.  I will be trying to get some Usborne business in the coming weeks too.  Which reminds me I need to update my Usborne blog with all the new books.  Next week I will be making calls for that so we'll see what happens.  I have an indoor flea market that I am thinking about trying out a few times, in Monaca.

When taxes come in I will pay off my JC Penney's card and the rest will go into savings, well after I set some aside for gas money.  I don't have a Dell payment this month but I may try to pay a bit on that as well.  First Financial goes through automatically on the 21st, which is the only reason I still have 3 bank accounts. I look forward to May when the last payment goes through.  I am hoping that the last Dell payment goes through then too.  We will see how this year goes work wise.  So far it is looking good!

Other than that I don't really know what else to say so I am off to get some other work done.  Later!

A Little Bit Of This, A Tad Of That, And Everything In Between!!

So when I came home to Pennsylvania in June of 2010 I weighed a total of 125 pounds and I looked great.  I had been home about 6 months before I gained 30 of the 50 pounds I had lost back.  So here it is January 2012 and I am holding steady at 160 pounds and I hate it because I am out of all my pants.  I did good at Christmas and Thanksgiving but I think that is because nobody made any good desserts...lol.  But now it is time to lose the weight and I'm not sure how that is going to work.  Last time I lost it all it was because I walked alot, didn't have time to eat, worked two jobs (one of which overnight) and lived off of Peanut M & M's.

I'm not saying I look bad or that I absolutely have to lose the weight.  I would just like to be able to wear my size 4's and 6's again.  I started right so far by trying to eat right.  I have a few workout videos on my Netflix account.  Since Thanksgiving I have lost 3 pounds just by cutting back on the amount of bread I was eating.  So now to find the time to actually work out and I should start losing more and more weight.

My goal is to be back down to 125 pounds by spring.  I don't know how I'm going to do it but I will manage it.  If I have to stop eating I will and you can believe that, well not completely.  I want to feel healthy again and I don't right now.  I want to feel as beautiful as everybody tells me I am and I don't.  I want to fit decently into my bikini's this year.

But on a completely different topic.  I got my W-2 at work today and already did my taxes.  I have to wait a couple days before I can actually submit my State taxes.  But the actual work is done.  I didn't have to pay anything on either but I don't get anything back from State.  I get a big sum from my Federal taxes though.  It is all going straight into SAVINGS so between the pay check and tax refund I will have about $400 this month.  Not to mention I will have another bill paid off and the last two well on the way to being paid off.

So this year is starting off pretty darn well for me.  I will have a car, move out and lose all my gained weight by the middle of the year.  Oh and not to mention I will be DEBT FREE in MAY or before.  I will be starting fresh  this year and I am so ready for that.  I plan to visit Utah this year at some point too, get the rest of my things.  I will try to curb my movie and book spending this year and only buy what I absolutely need, which isn't much really.

I can't wait to see how this year ends up.  Will I be happy?  Will I find somebody new who wants to be with me?  Will I be happy with myself?  Will I become the Independent person I want to be?  What good will this year do me?  I hope I get all these things and more.

SUICIDE IS NOT AN OPTION!!!!

So this year has not started off well for a lot of people.  I can gladly say that it hasn't been all that bad for me so far.  But this post is not about that this post is about knowing who you are and knowing you have people there who will listen to you.

Yesterday in my home town there was a suicide.  I don't know the whole story but apparently the girl walked out of class and then the school without being stopped.  She proceeded to walk home when she was hit by a train.  When I first heard about it I thought there was a car involved so like I said I don't know all the details.

I do know that our town has pulled together and had a candle light ceremony for the girl last night.  This girl was a popular girl as well as a cheerleader.  So why her?  At the candle light ceremony last night her father said, "There is always somebody to listen.  Never give up."  A train passed as he was talking at which point he said, "That is what she heard and I wish I would have told her that."

I have felt the feelings she felt.  I was never able to do what she did though.  I have thought about it on several occasions throughout my life because I couldn't take it anymore.  But every time I got that call or text or email from a friend and they listened.  They magically appeared when I needed them.  If you have just one person who will stop everything and talk to you then you have everything you need in life.  That friend may be far away or right across the hall.  They could have busy lives but when you need them they will drop everything and listen.

I guess what I am saying is that SUICIDE is NOT an option.  Your life is precious.  All you have to do is tell somebody that you trust that you need to talk and I guarantee they will drop what they are doing and talk to you for as long as it takes.  I don't know that there is much else I can say on this topic but I needed to get that out.

I grieve for the family that lost this young senior in high school.  She is in Heaven now where she won't have to struggle anymore.  I may not have known her but for those of you who mourn her my heart goes out to you all and the family is in my prayers.  I just hope that the sisters will manage to go on without her and they won't struggle as much as this your girl did.

Taking off the Blinders!!!

We struggle through life because that is what we are supposed to do.  We journey into the unknown because that is where we are led.  If we are afraid to try new things and take that jump into the unknown then we won't find our true selves.

When the blinders come off what do you see?  I see insecurity and the end of the tunnel.  I see a life that I want.  I see a family that I can't wait to start.  I see a chance for true happiness.  I know what lies ahead for me I just have to wait for the other person to come along and know it too.

Bad things happen to good people.  I know a lot of bad things have happened to me and my friends.  I know that life is worth the journey if your friends have your back.  My friends are my family.  They are the only people who truly understand what is going on with me.  I know they care they just have a lot on their plates right now, but it is hard not to see them and talk to them.

I like everybody else struggle to hold onto that knowledge of taking the blinders off.  I can still see it all every time I close my eyes and it gives me peace and comforts me to know that one day I will be truly happy.  I await that day and wish it would come sooner rather than later.  I wait patiently for my happy ending to come.  Until then I work hard to make my life a better one for myself and try to make it as happy and joyful a life as I can.

New Year Resolution???

So after about 4 hours of sleep last night I am once again wide awake.  I was nodding off all morning but now I'm fine...can anybody explain that too me.  I just wanted to let you all in on some of my New Years Resolutions.

1. Lose all the weight I gained in the last year
2. Pay off all debt
3. Move out and get a car
4. Be happy
5. Read at least 100 books

This past year I gained 25 pounds, paid off all but 3 bills, finalized my divorce, and started moving on to my next future.  I read 90 some odd books which is why the goal is 100 for this year.  I started writing again after a LONG stint of writers block.  So in ways this past year has been very good and in ways it has been very bad.

My biggest concerns for this year will be paying off those last 3 bills and then getting a car and move out.  I need my own place with plenty of room for storage and shelving.  Maybe a two bedroom and then I will turn one room into a library for all my books and movies.  I know I'm getting ahead of myself there.  I can't even think about that until July or August.

As for the losing weight well I have already started that process.  Since Thanksgiving I have cut back on my bread intake and have lost 3 pounds.  So that means I've only got 22 left to go.  I found some new dance workout routines I'm gonna try as well so that I can tone up as well.  

So how will it go?  Who knows?  Anyways, I'm off to work on my first books of the year.  Later!!