Baby Boom!!!

So between Thanksgiving and today I have learned that 1 friend and 4 cousins (all on the same side of the family) are pregnant.  The cousins are apparently all due in July (crazy month for birthday's) and I believe the friend is due in June but possible July.  I hate to say it but I kind of hate them all right now.  That was the most depressing holiday I've had in a long time.  I mean dwelling on the fact that while I really want kids of my own I may never have them makes for an unhappy holiday.

To keep my mind off of all the new July babies coming into my life I have spent the last bit of time occupying my mind with building my new shelves and watching Season 8 of One Tree Hill.  Although the beginning of this season is kind of depressing and that's not good.  It definitely is keeping my mind busy.  Once they are all built it is time for a MAJOR reorganization which will be even better.

I actually did have a good Christmas and got a laptop at last and shelves that are much needed.  It was just the rest of the day that was depressing.  I miss my friends but the ones that aren't talking to me I have decided to give them space and they will come back eventually.  She is just struggling and I wish I could help her through it like she has helped me through a ton of things as well.  But when she is ready she will come back.

As for the coming year things are turning around for me.  I will get out of this rut and will be debt free.  I have already set up payments for two out of three of my remaining debts.  The third I will settle in January I hope.  Come June I will hopefully have my own car and in July I should be able to move out into my own place.  All with my job at the library.  Hopefully I will be able get a lot more Usborne business this year and that will help with saving for a car as well.  Also I'm hoping to get both State and Federal Taxes back so that will go into my car savings as well.  The few books and movies I want are already pre-ordered except for Breaking Dawn Part 1 that is.

Ok well I am off to finish cleaning and organizing and watching in order to get my mind off of things again.

F U N K...

Every day since Thanksgiving has become more and more of a struggle for me.  I have been feeling more and more alone in this world.  One of the friends I would turn to and talk to about the issues is the reason I feel this way.  The other is across the ocean and hard to get in touch with (time differences suck).  So I have been turning to my books and movies to cheer me up and it has help but today I got to thinking and now the struggle is back in full force.

A month ago I would have told you that things couldn't have been better.  That also would have been a lie.  I have been keep my emotions so locked up tight that nobody has even noticed something isn't right.  Then again even if I didn't lock them up I doubt anybody would have noticed.  In my loneliness, I am wearing a shirt that my friend got me and a sweatshirt he left in my car a long time ago and I kept.

I can honestly say that I can't wait for Christmas to be over.  I am ready for a new year and another fresh start.  This past year has been full of mistakes and regrets and I am ready to get away from them.  I am going to get myself back in shape physically, financially and mentally.  I already have my debt payment plan in place and if everything goes according to plan I should have all my debt paid off by May.  So June is all about using the savings to get a car and start looking into apartments and furnishings.

I have decided to stick around New Brighton and continue at the library until I know what the heck I am going to do with my life.  I am going to save up my money and plan a trip somewhere overseas.  But like I said this will only happen if things go according to plan and my depression shopping stays at bay.  I already preordered all the books I absolutely have to have next year, so that is all taken care of.  So far there are only a few movies I have to have at the beginning of the year, one is already preordered.  I still have all my old jeans and other clothes so when I am physically in shape I won't have to buy much in the way of new clothes.  I will fit in those size sixes again soon...I swear it.

I don't want to be stuck in this rut the rest of my life.  I want to be happy.  I want to be with somebody that I trust and love for the rest of my life.  I want to travel.  I want to have a savings.  I want to be stable.  But right now I don't have any of that.  I am not happy.  I don't have the person I trust and love most in the world forever.  I can't travel.  I have no savings.  I am definitely not stable.  I just am.  I am tired of just being because it isn't a good life.

Ok.  I am out of here before I slump into even more of a funk.  Later!

WHAT DID I DO???

I made a mess at work yesterday and today I get to clean it up.  I only had a few hours of sleep last night because I couldn't put my book down.  Liz is going to love me but I definitely have things for the volunteers to do tonight.  Plus it will keep Annette and I busy as well this morning.  Heck it will even keep Harriet busy in the back room.  I may love getting rid of old, crappy books a bit too much...lol.  I will sleep well tonight that is for sure.

Anyways, got to head to Chippewa first so I got to go get ready.  Now what am I going to do for lunch.  That is the question.  Maybe I'll throw together something quick before I leave...ugh...that's the problem with taking lunch I have to make it...

Ever have one line of a song stuck in your head???

So I have this song stuck in my head.  It's not even the whole song it is just one line and I have no idea what the rest of the song is.  I would love to post it but I can't until I know what it's called or even a few more of the lyrics.  There are lots of other things I wish I could tell you all but I am not stupid enough to post such personal stuff online here.  Even though most of you are people I don't even know.

How do you deal with Stress...

How do you deal with stress?  Me I make myself even more stressed.  I work myself so hard that I overstress and then burst.  When I go off I spend days alone in my room.  I have been stressed lately and actually the more I pushed myself to keep busy the less stressed I got.  It is the opposite of how it usually works with me.  I don't know what has been going on with me but hey it's all good in my book.  It gives me the strength to get through the days at work.

I have been pulling books in both the kids room and the adult non-fiction lately at work.  It is hard to keep track of where I left off in each room but they both need done like you wouldn't believe.  Monday one of the ladies that strictly does the cataloging of books is going to come back and try it out for a bit.  We don't think she will be able to manage it for that long.  It will take a little bit of work away from me for a little while so it's ok with me if she tries.  It will free up some time to actually pull more books from the adult non-fiction, even though we really need to work on pulling the rest of the kids room.

I don't know what else to talk about.  Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, then there is Black Friday, and then I have two days off before going back to work.  I am glad to have the time off I just wish we got paid for it.  I could use that two days worth of pay I will be missing.  I am ready to spend the next few days chowing down on turkey and reading, Clash of Kings here I come.

Do crazy dreams make me crazy!!!

So I have been having these really bizarre and crazy dreams lately.  One night I dreamed that I was attacked by a flock of birds (no I hadn't been watching The Birds...lol).  What freaked me out the most is it sounded so real.  I did later find out that the sound of the swing was the hinges on my door and the sound of the swarm of birds was the dog shaking with her stupid cone on.  It was so bizarre.

In another dream I was attacked by somebody and my best friend was attacked by somebody else.  We both fought off the crazy people.  I may not know what these dreams mean but they get crazier and crazier as the nights go by.  I'm almost afraid to go to sleep lately.  Because some of the dreams are things I wish would come true.  I won't tell you about those though because they are REALLY personal.

I just wish I knew why I was having these dreams and if some of them would come true.  But it doesn't matter.  It is said however that our dreams are the mirror to the soul.  I guess that means most of them will come true.  I just wish they would come true soon...lol.

It's late, I'm going to bed.  Goodnight! 

CRAZY, HECTIC ALMOST NORMAL LIFE

It's been a rough few days.  I just can't move past some things that are going on right now and I don't know what to do about them.  I wish I knew what the problem was so that I could fix it and we could all move on, but I don't know what the problem is at all.  See the thing is I have this friend who for some reason is not talking to me (actually I have a couple) and I miss her and her family like there is no tomorrow.  Last night I read some emails we had sent each other and it made me miss her even more.  As it turns out a lot of the things in the emails are coming true again and I really wish I could talk to her about them.  Not to mention I have her twins baby presents here and need to get them shipped so that the babies can actually fit in them.

Anyways, I depleted a little bit of my Christmas list last night at Wal-Mart and K-Mart.  I bought a few of the books I had on my list because they were cheap.  Needless to say I hate shopping but I love bookstores.  Anyways, yesterday was CRAZY.  I got up at 9 and spent an hour re-activating my phone so I could make some business calls.  Then I headed out to Chippewa and dropped off a hostess pack to Joel and picked up my 31 orders.  Then I headed to Melissa's house to drop off Lance and Briauna's birthday presents.  Then I hit the bank and Foodland and still made it to work by 11:15 which is still early.  I spent the day at work and kept busy that's for sure.  We had the first van in three days yesterday, had a whole bunch more donations to enter in the computer, and I was there alone (Liz was busy in the back) so I had to make all the calls and help everybody find what they needed.  Not to mention I had to enter more books.  It was crazy.  Then I went back to Chippewa and did my shopping for Usborne and most of what I bought was for Usborne actually.  I went off grid with 3 books and a movie, but the rest was all Usborne.


Today is going to be just as crazy because well it's me and Annette.  I am taking in about 5 books that will need to be entered.  The van will be big again because they are still catching up.  I can't wait till 3:30 when Annette leaves though because that is when all the easy work starts (I don't have to worry about fixing her mistakes and being called to the front to help her.  I have a lot of work to do in the back because people keep screwing up and not in a good way.  Well I'm off to start my crazy day off with a shower and possibly straightening my hair, if I have time.  I got a lot of Usborne work done last night so I don't have to worry about that again until tomorrow night, while I am up waiting for Breaking Dawn and Friday.  Booth on Saturday.  It's going to be a HECTIC weekend to say the least.

Breaking Dawn - midnight Thursday/Friday
Mel's for HPDH P2 and Ramona and Beezus - Friday
Booth - Saturday
Booth Prep - Thursday/Friday and Saturday

Like I said HECTIC.  I will honestly be ready for Sunday to come just so I can sleep or something.  Although I was thinking about checking out some of the indoor flea markets I know about and possibly starting to put up tables there but we'll see what happens on Saturday at the booth I may be too booked to do that.  Later

Are you talking to me yet?

I thought I was done being ignored.  But it turns out I'm not.  I will never stop being ignored. My friends ignore me, my family ignores me, and I ignore myself sometimes too.  When will it end.  Have I said something to my friends to have them block me and ignore me all of the sudden.  I mean sure I have a huge mouth and say things that I shouldn't but I can't think of anything that would make them just stop talking to me.  I just don't get it at all.  Maybe my true self has shown through too much and that is the issue.  But since they don't talk to me I don't have anybody to tell my every thought too.  Very few people would want to know my every thought and why I think that way.  There used to be only one person, now it seems there are none.  What to do?

I didn't really have anything else to say just had to get that out.

One and only

I have grown to love ADELE. She has so many songs that fit my emotions perfectly. "I dare you to let me be your one and only." The best line I have heard in a long time. I wish I could use that line on people but first of all anybody I would use it on is far away and it would kind of hard if they aren't nearby.

Anyways let's move on. Things are crazy. I have been making a plan to book as many parties and booths as I can this Christmas season. I have already decided when the last possible party date could be in order to have orders by Christmas...December 13th. I already have two booths and one party with another possible party and bookfair. Now if I could get at least two parties from each event I do my schedule will be beyond full and I will have to push dates into the new year. I will push myself to make this a viable second job for two reasons. I really need the money that will flow in and I love the books and want to continue being able to collect them and share them with others. I also have flyers in the makes for the Black Friday sale they will be having. The next few months are going to be crazy. I have a call to a Learning Center to make on Friday and plan to try picking up as much business as possible on Friday.

I have also started working out again and trying to cut back on the junk food. I want to fit in my size 4 and 6 pants again dang it. I mean sure I only went up to an 8 but I like the style of my 4's better...lol. Honestly I just want to feel healthy again like I did in Utah. My best time on the treadmill so far is 3 mile in one hour 12 minutes. I try to walk every day but as soon as I can get my hands on some Taebo videos I will walk ever other day and do Taebo the other days. A nice switch. If it weren't so expensive I would try to get my hands on P90X but it's outrageously pricey...lol.

I don't have much else to say so enjoy!

Is it a mistake...PROBABLY!!!

So this month I will finally have the money to pay off the last bill that is in collections.  I am super excited about that because it means I am down to 2 bills and I can start throwing all my extra cash at them.  One of the one's left go through automatically so I don't have to worry about it (it will be gone in May) so any extra cash I get I will be throwing towards the other one so I can get it paid off in May too.  What I don't throw at the second bill will go into hiding for a car. 

I am starting to realize how busy the next few weeks are going to be.  I am working almost full time at the library and I have two booths and a party lined up for Usborne.  I also have the possibility to get at least two parties from each of those booths and the party.  As well as a library co-worker who may have a party and may talk her boss into doing a bookfair.  I am still going to go and talk to Terry at Rochester Library about doing a bookfair and possible LFL.  It is going to be getting busy busy busy but I like it that way because it keeps me from being able to make the biggest mistake of my life again.

I am super excited for Breaking Dawn Part 1 next week.  I got Kaylin, her boyfriend Kody and myself tickets to the midnight showing.  We still have to make a plan but we'll see what happens.  In leiu of the movie I started rereading the book on Sunday night.  I forgot how good it was.  I was beyond tired and I was still up until 1:30 reading.  I was unable to get into any books for the last week so I'll glad I was able to just slip right into this one.

Work has been crazy.  Saturday and Monday there was no heat whatsoever.  I'm really hoping that he came last night to fix it or comes first thing this morning to fix it.  Mainly because I don't have anything to keep myself busy and warm today except work on the kids room and it's too cold to let anybody back there let alone spend hours working back there.  I guess I could organize the non-fiction section out front...it's always a mess.

Now onto the mistake part.  I have been talking to a few people who have screwed me over time and time again.  All of them want to get together.  I am actually glad that this is the busy season for Usborne so that I can put it off.  I haven't even decided if talking to said people is a mistake or not but it probably is in the long run.  I have found that in the last oh I don't know three or four years I have become less trusting of people, they always seem to let me down and I'm done.  I can't go on being the naive girl I was four years ago so I hold people who have screwed me at arms length and I should keep them there and never talk to them again but I don't.  It's not in my nature.  So again and again I let them back in and get screwed again.

Oh and before I forget the daily walking is back on schedule.  I didn't get to walk Friday to yesterday but it starts back up again tonight.  Especially if today goes the way I think it will and I have a ton of frustration to walk off.  Let me just say that my co-workers are idiots and I can't believe they have survived this long.  The good thing is there is no van today so I won't have to deal with that.  I think that is all I had for today.  Later!

Someone Like You

So it took me a while but this song goes out to my ex and his wife. I never realized how much of this song goes along with my relationship with my ex.  I have listened to it over and over but I was in the car the other day and it hit me.  The first line says "I've heard that you've settled down. That your married now.  I heard that your dreams came true.  Guess she gave you things I wouldn't give to you.  I wish nothing but the best for you.  Sometimes a lesson learned but sometimes it hurts instead."

I'm not saying that the rest of the song really follows our relationship but those few lines definitely do.  I also found that the rest of the song reminds me of a friend.  Me and said friend are working through some tough things and honestly as the song says, "Never mind I'll find someone like you.  Don't forget me."  I could dissect this song even more but I won't.  Not that anybody I know actually reads this blog. 

"Nothing compares, no worries or cares.  Regrets and mistakes their memories made.  Who would have know how bittersweet this would taste."

I meant what I said...

I don't know what else to say but congratulations.  I mean I could say that I'm not happy for him but that would be a lie.  I know what I did hurt him and I hate that fact but I couldn't stay in a relationship with somebody who didn't know me and obviously didn't care enough to listen and learn about me.  I mean sure it was long distance but think about it we talked every night and we would talk about the same things every night.  So now he is remarried and going on a double date with his sister, brother in law and new wife.  I 'liked' his sisters facebook status stating as much and I was sincere in liking it.  People can think what they want but I am truly happy for them and I hope he is happy.  I hope he has learned from his mistakes in the marriage as I have learned from mine. 

One of the things I learned is that I'm really not ready for marriage.  I mean come on I had one boyfriend and been on 2 blind dates before I met him.  We hung out for like a week before getting engaged and then he was gone the entire engagement.  He came home like a day before we got married and then a week later was gone.  I learned to wait for somebody who loves me for the real me, which only one person knows.  I don't show the real me to just anybody.  I show her to the people or person I trust the most.  You would think that would include more people but it really isn't.  I can't be the real me around so many people anymore.  I am learning to be the real me more and more. 

But don't get me wrong this other person I pretend to be is very close to the real me.  The attitude, looks and most of the quirks are the same.  I just open up and let some of my quirks and issues slip away when I talk to or hang out with those who really know me.  In other words some people just know me a little bit better than others and that isn't a bad thing.  I owe these people a lot and they don't realize it.

Ok so this blog sounds kind of depressing doesn't it.  I just needed to get this off my mind.  I will post a song that goes along with it later, just have to figure out which song.  Later!!!

Disaster by JoJo

http://vevo.ly/tnj8mj

One of my favorite female artist Jo Jo is back and this is her new song.  I love it.  Check it out.

What A Beautiful Mess!!!

So the past few days have been interesting.  Saturday I headed back to work and got really frusterated because well it seemed just as bad if not worse than it had when I left on Tuesday and I made sure everything major that had to be done was done when I left.  I don't think I read more than 20 pages of my book while at work.  Then I came home and hopped on the treadmill to work off all that anger and other energy.  I walked for 2 hours and went 4 miles.  I also read more of my book and almost finished it.  I did finish my book that night and I was out by midnight.

Sunday well honestly I don't remember what I did Sunday so that means I was either on here all day or I was reading all day.  No surprises there.

Monday it was back to work.  I never finished my costume so I couldn't wear it, but hey I have my costume for next year all set up.  I did however use the orange hair color in my hair...a few streaks of orange here and there made me feel like somebody else.  We closed at 5 since trick or treat started at 6:30 and nobody wanted to get stuck driving through little kids crossing roads.  So I left at 5 and headed for Melissa and Eric's place for a fun night.  We just talked and played games.  I learned some new exercises for my knees that keep bugging me and my ankles.  Read some Halloween stories with the kids.  All in all it was a fun night.  I hadn't seen them in a few years (7-ish to be exact). 

That is where I learned that I seem happier and more open than I had back in college.  Well that's true.  Actually this all started a few weeks ago when I realized that I can't control what I want to happen I can only control what actually happens.  I realized that I was sinking myself into depression and I didn't even know it.  I also realized that I didn't want the whole relationship right now.  I do eventually but right now I don't want to be tied down to another relationship especially another long distance one.  I just let it all go and started enjoying life.

I also got enlisted for helping them plan the Ward Christmas Party.  Which will be fun.  I actually just talked to mom who did three of them and got some ideas as to themes and such.  Should be fun!!

Yesterday was actually a good day at work.  I just relaxed and read shelves.   It was slow and while reading shelves may bore others I rather enjoy making sure all the books are in order so that we can find them.  Makes the rest of my job so much easier.  Now if only we could get people to put them back in the right place I would be much happier.  I found out that my boss, Liz, is going to commission the board to let me have more of her responsibilities and get me more hours.  She wants to get another person or two who actually does the work correctly and quickly in there.  Annette has another 8 months on her contract and then I think she's out of there...we are both sick of her.  I am super excited about those little bits of information, just have to wait and see what the board says about this, but now that the jerk is off the board it may be better for us and we'll get more done.

We'll see what today brings.  I have to read the paperback books and work on the magazine rack.  Then I may get to sit back and relax a little bit.  I doubt it but maybe.  Maybe she will go through the books I have pulled and I can withdraw them all.  Then we could call up the Christian School and have them go through them today and the other lady can take the rest tomorrow.  Or have one go through them in the morning and the other take the rest in the afternoon. We'll see what today brings but I am super excited for it.

Working it out!!!

I was given information today that I just don't know what to do with.  When I am sick I hate everything and I am highly emotional.  I don't know what to think or what to do.  So I have been struggling to understand a whole bunch of things that I have learned over the past few weeks.  I have come to trust only one person in my life and that is a hard thing for me.  I used to have tons of friends that I would trust with my life.  But lately it seems like I have one that I trust with my life and a few others that seem to be pulling away.  I guess it doesn't help help that all of my friends but one are married with kids...that one is going through a divorce.  So where does that leave me?

I want to be able to move on with my life.  I want to find somebody new.  I want to be independent and on my own finally.  You may be thinking so what's the problem just do it?  Well I am not in the emotional state to do so.  Until I get my own emotions under control I can't move on with any of these other things.  I need to stop being an emotional shopper.  I get stressed or depressed and I shop, I get upset and I shop.  It is what I have always done but the funny thing is I hate shopping and it stresses me out even more.  So why do I do?

I am just ranting sorry.  I am tired of all the drama and the things in my life I can't control.  So I am going to work on the few things I can control and work my way out of this drama fill pit that I am stuck in.  I know what I want and I will start working my way towards that today.  I will start working on me and not worrying about what other people think or do!

That's all for today thanks for listening folks.

HE'S MARRIED!!!!

Ok so it's not like I didn't expect him to move on or anything.  But come on the divorce was finalized in August and he's been back in Germany from being deployed like a couple weeks. HE'S MARRIED already!!!  What the heck.  For somebody who thought they were so in love when they got married the first time that is moving on pretty dang quick.  This coming from the girl who wasn't all that in love when she got married to said person and can't move on.  What is the world coming to?  I need a trip to see a friend any friend.  Too bad I don't have money for that.

Well I'm hoping to go to work tomorrow even though I didn't finish my costume...boo...we'll see what happens though...I was finally able to keep all my dinner down so we'll see what happens in the morning...

The downfall of Horror Movies

So there isn't much new to talk about.  I have been sick today and kind of either slept or watched movies.  I can't figure out why I don't read when I'm sick.  Most people pick up a book and sleep but no I turn on the tv and sleep.  Today since Halloween is right around the corner I have been watching movies that are supposed to be scary but aren't. 

That's another thing altogether.  What is the point of making a horror movie if you don't make it scary.  There have been very few movies that actually scared me lately.  I mean the movie The Rite is supposed to be scary and it had me cracking up.  Most horror movies have become more nudity and swearing than anything else.  I mean look at the Halloween movies, Friday the 13th, and Nightmare on Elm Street.  Now I've never seen the originals of the last two but the new versions are lame.  Now when it comes to Halloween I saw the originals when I was like 10 or 11 and they didn't scary me then and they don't scare me now.  There were two movies that scared me as a kid that now in my late 20's I will be trying again.  They are Poltergiest and The Birds.  If I remember correctly there was no nudity and very little swearing. 

With Halloween right around the corner Saturday night and Sunday will be all about the horror movie marathon.  I've already got Cry_Wolf, Disturbing Behavior, The Hills Have Eyes 1 & 2 and Texas Chainsaw Massacre the beginning and the other one, on my iPod for the watching.  I already watched the Hitcher on it so I took it off.  Today I have watched Scream 4, Sorority Row and I just put in Friday the 13th.  I'll watch them again.  I still have Nightmare on Elm Street from the library to watch as well.  In my room I have Final Destination 3 & 4 (I have 1  & 2 to put on my iPod if I want), Poltergiest, Interview With a Vampire, Rest Stop 1 & 2, and The Covenant.  Who knows what all else I have on my hard drive to watch.  I have a ton more horror movie in Utah too but I won't get through the ones I have here so I'm not too worried about it. 

I've got my vampire and witch books to read too.  Let's not forget the werewolf books and movies too.  Now back to the original topic what has happened to the world of horror movies?  People have changed not the movies.  People want to make newer versions of movies and they do what they have to in order to make them just barely pass the standards of ratings.  Ok well that is all on my horror movie rant.

I AM READY!!!

So I just read a lot of the last years entries on this blog.  I never realized how love sick I sound.  Why didn't anybody tell me I sounded whiny...lol.  This may sound really strange to those of you who have read the other posts but I have to get it out.  In the past few weeks I have come to the realization that I honestly don't want a relationship.  Yes, I am still in love with this person.  No, It's not going away anytime soon.  But honestly I don't want a relationship right now.  I think I want somebody to simply to know how I feel.  I want somebody to want to hold me in a giant bear hug for a long time.  

I know that one day I will find the right person.  The person I spend every minute of the day thinking about.  There person I can curl up with on the couch and just talk.  I have been married and I didn't have those things.  I may know who this person is today but I won't name them.  There is so much to consider in life and so much to live for.  I don't want to make the same mistake I did before.  I don't want to marry the wrong person again and be unhappy the rest of my life.

Happiness is all in what you make it.  I have come to realize that I blame my unhappiness on not having somebody like that in my life.  I blame it on not having friends in Pennsylvania.  But honestly that's not the case.  I have everything I could want and then some.  I have AMAZING friends and family in the area and while we can't sit on a couch together, there is one person in my life that I have never lied to (for long) and we talk as often as we can for hours on end sometimes.  I trust this person with my deepest darkest secrets, I would trust them with my life if it came to that.  

I may be IN LOVE but I am not ready for another relationship.  I need to learn how to rely on myself and I really need to learn how to open up a little bit more.  I have lived a sheltered life in some respects and I grew up a good little Mormon girl.  But as I look back I was NEVER the GOOD little Mormon girl that everybody thought.  Underneath it all I was just a girl fighting to break free and live her own life with her own choices.  I hid what others didn't want to see for the longest time, but a little over a year ago I finally broke free of the chains holding me down.

I can't even imagine going back to the life I was living.  Everything is changing and I am finally letting go.  I am figuring out my life and I'm not afraid to just live.  I am ready to try things I was never able to do before.  I am ready for true bliss.  I am ready for life itself to engulf me and take me for an unknown ride.  I AM READY!!!   

Nature through a photographic lense...

So I was looking through some of the old pictures on here and on Facebook.  I wanted to just say that I love fall because the colors are so beautiful out there.  I took some pictures of Aley Hill on my way home one day and wanted to share them with you all.

 

These ones were taken going through Beaver Falls after work one day.  I thought the clouds looked awesome so I took a few shots.

 

These two were a few of the sunset behind the house one day.  I love taking the opportunity to catch a sunset.  Especially one like this one was...it was AMAZING!!!

 

I'm not sure where these two were I just thought they were cool.

 

This is one of the Geneva campus buildings and I kind of thought it looked gorgeous with the beautiful trees in the background.

 

The rest of these are all shots of Aley Hill which I travel everyday.  I love the colors of the fall and will miss them one day.  This bottom one is actually of our house from the other corner.  And FYI I was driving while taking every single one of these shots...I did slow down for any I took on a bend and I did stop at the stop signs...lol.

I just wanted to share the wonders of nature with you.  I miss the mountains but I will admit that Pennsylvania has some pretty cool things to experience.  I mean those clouds were awesome looking, the sunsets are awesome and would you look at those colors.  Between photography and nature life is amazing.  I just wish I had more time and a better eye for it.

I'd Lie - Taylor Swift

I haven't posted me for a while but this song hit me this week. You all know that there was somebody in my life that I just couldn't let go of. This week I took what I could get and let everything else go. I still feel the same way about him I just don't let it show anymore. So like the song says "If you ask me if I love him I'd lie...".

A friend posted a blog the other day and she said you have to let go of the things you can't control (the golden tickets of life) and just let yourself live for the day. I love that and reading her blog has helped me let go of the aforementioned person. I know there is so much more for me to look forward to so I'm going to make sure I don't let anything stand in my way. I may still feel that way I just can't let it stand in my way so I lie to myself and to the world and live what I say.

Anyways, onto more important things. I am so excited for the Christmas season. I have lots of Usborne booths and a party or two lined up as well. Which is good, means more money coming in for me. Which means more money to pay off bills and get out of debt sooner or get a much needed car for myself. I am still having issues with actually saving money because well my accountability partner isn't around to keep me from spending it. But I can't blame her no matter how much I may want to, it isn't her fault I have this problem at all. It's my own problem that I have to deal with, just wish I had somebody to fall back on when I want to spend. However, I finished my Christmas shopping so next month all my money is going into hiding NO MATTER WHAT!!!! We'll see how that actually goes.

Also on my agenda for the following months is getting in shape. In the last few months I have gained everything I lost (weight wise) back. I have to go out and spend some money on new pants because I went up a size. I need a few more long sleeves shirts too. I have until spring to get back in the shape I was in when I moved home in June 2010 or in better shape. I guess it could take longer but spring is my goal to say the least. I'm considering joining the YMCA so I can head up after work and walk or swim and weight train all in one place. Sure I could weight train at home but I can't swim and the treadmill is never down anymore so I can't walk very often. The Gazelle actually hurt me and it hurt to walk for a week. So I have a dilemma and I don't know how to manage it because I can't really afford a YMCA membership. So what do I do?

I was excited about Halloween this year because I was planning on being the Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland. My issue is that I may not be able to find the things I need to make the costume. I have a shirt and the hair color needed and tons of scarves at my disposal. I still need a coat and the hat, mismatched socks and some sort of shoes. I guess if I could just find a coat and hat I could wear jeans and any shoes. I mean I'm going to be behind the desk in the costume. Hmmm...I'll have to see what I can find at the Sal Val one day after work.

I can't believe how cold it has been lately. It is really kind of depressing and all with no sun and all this rain. I hate all this dreary weather. I need to move somewhere warm and sunny all year. Maybe Mississippi or Louisiana. Ok well I have ranted long enough. Till next time.

The Underlying Love Story

There has been a lot on my mind lately and I just need to let it all out. I have been doing a lot of reading the last couple weeks and every single book had the underlying love story. Not many people could pick out the underlying love story but because I am not really into the love story I can usually pick it out. I sit and wait and wonder if I will ever get my love story. I know how I feel and I know that I would gladly give my life for the person I love. But would that person do the same for me. I don't know that he would and that is the thing I fear the most.

I mean if you love somebody you have to tell them because you never know what will happen. You could die today and that person would never know how you felt. So I tell him every chance I get. I fight the urge a lot of the time but I do let myself give in sometimes. I just wish I heard it back sometimes.

I guess I have just been reading too many books with that underlying topic and watching too many movies and shows with the topic of love. I yearn for something that I may never get from somebody I may never get it from. But I am a very patient person when it comes to most things. I have waited for almost eight years (I've lost track of exactly how long it has been). We don't see or talk to each other very often but it is extremely tough on me when we do. I have to remember to give him his space and not give into my urges often. It gets harder and harder on me as the years go by. But we have both been through tough times and I will continue to be patient with him.

Well I have rambled enough so I will go away now.

Loving the right person!!!

So I have been watching Season 6 of Grey's Anatomy has my life story in it. People say that movies, books, songs and TV aren't real life but where do you think the ideas for the story-lines come from. That's right somebody had to live the tricky love triangles, the deaths, and the heartbreaks. In Season 6 there are a few episodes dealing with a girl who has been in love with her best friends forever. She comes back and tells him and then he is torn between her and his current girlfriend. It all works out in the end because she and the guy she loves stay friends and he and his girlfriend stay together. I know that may not make sense but I have been in that situation. I have waited too long to tell somebody that I love them. I have moved on too many times to count and that is the hard part. Moving on isn't easy especially when you know you can't love anybody else ever. I have gotten married to somebody I didn't love because I was tired of waiting for the one I did love. I am done moving on. It may be that I am single my entire life but I don't care anymore. I would rather be alone than with somebody I don't love. I hold the heartbreak I feel everyday in my heart so that I never forget that fact.

We all feel love a different way. Some admit it openly and widely. Some hide it and don't want to admit it. Some don't know what they want at all so they don't do anything. I have felt love each of these ways but the one I love hides it and honestly doesn't know what he wants. I had a stage in my life before I met this person where I didn't know what the heck I wanted but when I met him I knew immediately I was meant to be with him. I didn't admit it at first because he was still in high school and I was three years older than him. Finally the time came where I did admit it openly to him and I still do every so often just so he never forgets.

I am lost and confused most days because of this situation I'm in. Do I give up? Do I keep fighting? What do I do? I don't know but until I take my last breathe I will love this person and I don't think I will ever give up on him. I may give up the fight but I will never give up on the love I have for him. That's all there is to say on that matter.

God Bless the USA

So I was looking at my post and then it totally hit me that I didn't do a 9/11 post and I really should since it has been 10 years. I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was sitting in my high school Chemistry class and somebody burst into the room to tell us about the first tower. Then it went over the loud speaker and we all sat around the tv's watching the second tower be hit. I also remember worrying about my cousin who is in the air force and praying that he wouldn't get sent over to fight. At the time he was the only person close to me who was in the military now I worry about all my many friends who get deployed to the war over there.

The world changed that day. Everywhere you go has higher security and you can't take most things on an airplane anymore. That day many lives were lost and many more where put in danger as we went to war. But it has been 10 years and I still ask myself why it happened? What was the point? Why then? Lots of people who lost people are probably wondering the same thing. I didn't lose anybody but I still ask the same things.

The world is a crazy place and people deserve to be safe. I am glad I live in the United States where I have great friends in the armed forces who fight for our country. The men and the women in the armed forces are just like anybody else but they continuously risk their lives for all of us everyday. There were a few songs I wanted to post for this update but I went with one in particular because it is the one I love the most and means the most to almost everybody in the country.

So God Bless the USA.

Thank you to all the people over there fighting and the ones who have been over there before...
Tyler Miller - US Airforce
Benjamin Hyre - US Navy
David Biernesser - US Marines
Eric Owens - US National Guard
Timothy Barnett - US Army

Friendship = Love

So I don't have a video today because there were so many good ones to describe many of the different emotions I am feeling lately. I have very very mixed feelings lately but I don't want to dwell on them too much. I have many loves in life but there is one that I can't really talk about because I don't know how.

There are people in my life that I constantly say too much too. It's like I talk to them and my mind says "insert foot in mouth now". It is a very bad habit and I often regret it afterward. I have actually lost friends with this bad habit. I tend to be a blunt person sometimes. I love all my friends and I hate that I continuously put that foot in my mouth. It gets in there so deep I don't know that I will ever get it out sometimes.

Friendship is a major role in my life as most of my friends are my family. I struggle without them there to talk to. I would do anything for my friends and I hope they know that. I know they would do almost anything for me to. I have been having issues lately because my friends don't answer me when I try to talk to them. I know they are all extremely busy with pregnancies, work and well who knows what else, but it still hurts that I don't get to talk to them when I really need to. I know I have stuck my foot in my mouth one too many times at least with all of them and I don't deserve to have such good friends but they continuously coming back to me. I will always appreciate that.

There is of course one friend in my life who knows me better than anybody else in the world. This friend is actually the one I've had for the shortest amount of time. I can go to them with any problem and they can help me talk it out. This friend does for me the same thing music does. So when I can't talk to my friends I always turn on the music and just let it sink in.

So friendship, music, books and movies some of the biggest loves of my life. They help me make it through the day all the time. Call me a hopeless romantic if you want because I am. I may be a tomboy most of the time but I still have another side. That other side of me needs the loves of my life everyday in order to make it through the day. I will keep you posted on this topic again sometime. Remember Friendship = Love

I Don't Want To Be

Today's song was a hard decision because there were a few I wanted to put on here. I will use the other tomorrow I guess. Anyways, today's song is Gavin Degraw's I Don't Wanna Be. Yes it is the theme song to One Tree Hill. Imagine that!

"I don't wanna be anything other than what I been trying to be lately."

Love that line. Nobody should try to be what they aren't. I have been who I'm not. It isn't a good place to be. It has been months since I have been myself. Nobody really knows me and honestly I am usually ok with that. There are days that I struggle because of this fact but I like the solitude of nobody knowing me.

"I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I gotta do or who I'm supposed to be, I don't wanna be anything other than me."

I know I didn't say much in this blog and I know there is SOOOO much more to say on this topic but my mind is blank and I'm not feeling well but I heard the song and had to post it. Be who you are and don't let others tell you who to be. It isn't up to them it is up to you.

Where I Stood

So today I was watching One Tree Hill and I heard this song. It describes my life almost entirely. The song says, "I don't know who I am without you, all I know is that I should..." I have always struggled with who I am and for the last eight years I have only truly been myself with one person. I struggle every day to be that person without them but it doesn't work out well.

I have come to believe that every person has a soul mate. That one person they can't live without. Their better half. I have met mine and for years I have stood by and waited for them to realize it too. I got tired of waiting and being alone at one point so I did something stupid. That's right, I can be stupid too. I got married, I cared about the person I married but after a few months I realized what a mistake I had made. I struggled through my marriage, eventually I cleared my head and decided to let go of the person I couldn't give my whole heart to. I still wait for the other guy to realize the truth.

I struggle with the pain and heartbreak of watching him move from person to person. I sit by and watch him struggle through his own life. All I know is I should know who I am without him but I don't. I don't want to make the mistake of marrying somebody else I don't belong with. So sure I may end up alone forever which is one of my biggest fears but if that is how long it takes then I will wait.

"I always thought love was black or white, that it was wrong or it was right, but you aren't leaving without a fight..." Listen to the song. Music can soothe the soul or it can make you cry but it is the therapy of life for everybody. Because no matter what music is therapy for everybody.

1 year down...

I can't believe it has been a little over a year working at the library and with Usborne Books and More.  I love both jobs.  The library is my dream job and it would be even better if I got paid more than once a month and more money.  I haven't had a job that paid minimum wage since well ever.  Most jobs I've had paid above minimum wage.  It is kind of sucky pay...lol.  Usborne it's great but I am still working hard at it and not giving up.  I am hoping this year I get more clients and past clients call for another party.  I continue to work my ass off at both jobs but I enjoy it.

In this year I have also struggled with love and my hearts desire.  It is worth the struggle because honestly it is making me a much stronger person every day.  I am learning to let go and be myself which is also a challenge.  At least I know in the long run that I am who I was meant to be and the person standing next to me for the rest of my life will be the right person, because I struggled and waited patiently. 

This year was supposed to be about being myself.  It wound up being about finding my self and struggling to be me and nobody else.  I love the friends who have helped me become the person I am today.  Deborah Cope thanks for teaching me to be financially aware and get out of debt.  Benjamin Hyre thanks for listening when I needed somebody.  You are both amazing friends and I love you both for being there when I need you most.  Any situation I get myself into I know you will be there with words of wisdom to help me through.  Which is ironic since it used to be the other way around.  Thanks guys you are the best friends a person could ask for.

Changes Are Always Needed...

I really don't know what I can say that I haven't said a million times before.  My divorce was finalized exactly 1 month before what would have been my 3rd anniversary and that has alleviated a lot of stress from my plate.  If you don't know when I got married it was September 11, 2009 and my divorce was finalized August 11, 2011.  Honestly, it was probably one of the best things I have done in a long time.  I am working hard to get my life back together again.

Financially, I am getting better.  The car has to be put on hold an extra month because well I blew one of the tires on the truck the other day and have to pay $150 to get a new one so that the truck will pass inspection which is currently up as of yesterday.  Wow, can you say run on sentence.  But at least, after the next couple months I will be able to start an emergency fund which will keep this from ever happening again.  This month I am paying the parents back for some things and next month I am going to settle the J.C. Penney account and then I am down to just two bills.  The Dell has gone two months past due but I will have it current again this month and will be paying a ton of extra on it each month, while I have the money.  I am hoping to have Dell and First Financial paid off by April or May.

I have been working on improving my life.  Instead of being on here so often I plan to spend my time reading, exercising and writing.  I do want to go back to school but that just isn't a possibility right now.  I am actually really lucky right now that all the summer people are gone because I am working full time at the library.  Well right now it is 34 hours and starting next week it will be 38 hours, but close enough to full time right.  I have been working hard to start saving money but something keeps coming up and that money gets used...usually that something is gas.

I was just reading a friends blog and I can't believe how much every bodies lives have changed.  I wish I could say the same for my own.  I continue to make the same mistakes because I've dug myself into a hole that is IMPOSSIBLE to get out of right now.  I continue to work at it every day.  I wish I could throw my burden onto somebody else but that is not how it works.

One of the main reasons I have been struggling is because I miss my friends.  One of them moved back last month and I haven't seen her once yet, how is that possible.  The others are still in Utah and Germany.  I miss my sisters-in-law because when I had a down day they were always there with exactly what I needed.  I miss my nephews and the Cope kids because they were the lights of my world shining oh so brightly.  Looking at pictures makes me miss them even more because I don't even recognize them.

I get in these moods where I need a change.  The only one I can always think of is cutting my hair.  Every time I go to my cousin Cassie for a haircut I do something different.  It always has layers and is always generally the same length but the style is always different.  Next time I go in I am going to color it for free most likely.

I know I am rambling but read the title of the blog.  I call it like it is.  I will try my hardest to update this blog more often especially since I will be updating the Usborne blog more often as well.  It makes it easier to post them together.  I am off for tonight

What to do, What to do!?!

So I have come into a dilemma that I just can't figure out.  There is a full time secretary position a mile up the road from my house.  I don't know the pay or any details about it really except that it is a Secretary position for the Big Beaver Boro Building.  But I have always hated Secritarial work which is why I never went back to it.

So my dilemma is do I stay at the job I love at the library even though the pay sucks.  I only work two days a week currently but there is a VERY GOOD chance that when the college girls go back to school I will work every day all day which would make the monthly paychecks quite good and easier to live on.  I don't want to leave Liz in a jam with only Harriet and Annette there to work because neither of them do anything and she told me that she missed me last week while I was on vacation and the summer girl was there most of the week.

The other job like I said is a mile up the road and if their weren't so many hills and I weren't asthmatic I could walk to work.  Which would come in handy when the truck finally dies which will be soon.  It would most likely help me get my bills paid off and get a car and real phone plan (my phone sucks).  But if I could get back into the Usborne Books and become close to full time at the library that would do that and more as well.

Maybe what I will do is go drop off my resume tomorrow just to see if I get an interview.  If I get the interview I will go in and talk to them and go from there.  Also I will talk to Liz about my dilemma and see if she is willing to put me on every day next month all day at least two of those days.  I know she doesn't want me to leave because I do all the work there and I am usually the most cheerful person there.  I do what I'm told and am always going to her for more work.

Agggghhhh....WHAT DO I DO????????

Dreams don't always come true...

So the dreams I have been having (well the ones up until last night) have been amazing and I have been waiting for them to come true.  I know they are only dreams but honestly ever dream like I've had recently has come true at one point or another.  So I am waiting very patiently for these dreams to come true.

However last nights dream went from something I wish would come true to something completely improbable and bizarre.  It started out good and kind of funny but then it just got weird because it did a completely unexpected turn.  I did however learn something from this dream.  The last thing I said in the dream was "Sir, I can't do that.  I love her and I always will.  You can't change who you fall in love with it just happens.  You love who you love and that's all there is to it."

This world is full of crazy things things like that.  But now onto other fun things.  I will be out of debt at least 1 year from now if it is the last thing I do.  I can't wait for fall to get here because I will have more hours at work.  Also I'm hoping that the Usborne thing picks up again.  I did a booth tonight and I am looking into a few more.  Summer is almost over and I won't get a vacation this year.  When the family goes in September I will be working.  I am working all next week so I can't go to the beach then.  My cousin, Kaylin, and I are planning a short weekend trip somewhere next month though.  And at some point this year I plan to make a trip back to Utah to see all my friends again.

Anyways, I think that is all I have to say for now.  I will try to update again soon.

There hasn't been much to update you all on but I have been doing A LOT of thinking lately.  I always thought that by 27 (which I will be in 10 days) I would be happy, have my life together and have my own family.  Honestly I don't know what has changed in my life.  Obviously nothing has change except my attitude.  As a personal choice I no longer go to church, I have never felt comfortable there and it just keeps getting worse.  I am going through a divorce which is almost ready to be finalized.  I was only supposed to be back at the parents house for the summer and it has been almost a year (imagine that). 

There has been one noticable change in my life and that is my debt issue.  I have THREE bills left to pay off.  I am slowly working on two of them and they will be paid off by this time next year at the latest.  The other one I am just going to pay off as soon as possible.  But then there is the fact that I am going to need a car ASAP so I may have to go and get a car loan which I am not looking forward too.  I have been working my ass off to pay off my debt and I may not have a choice in the matter.  How rude!

As for the summer well the summer goals don't allow for relaxation.  I won't quit the library but I will have to find 1 or 2 other jobs to go along with it.  If I could do that I would be able to pay off the one bill and possibly get a cheap car for the time being.  I just know that the truck isn't going to last much longer so I have to get something soon.  I have to be able to get a cheap place apartment somewhere in the next few months too.  So I have got to try and work up to 3 jobs this summer so that I can get out of this rut I'm in.

While life is complicated there are bright points and I look forward to them every day.  I can't imagine my life without my friends, they have always been a comfort to me.  I wish they all lived closer but that is something I can live with to be honest.  I still talk to them as much as I can.  Well I guess that is all I have for now.  My mind is more relaxed and settled now that I got all this out.  Later!

Falling Apart is Easy...Fixing Things is Hard...

For almost a year I have been slowly transforming into the person I am meant to be.  There have been struggles and there have been good times.  Hopes have been dashed and brought to life.  People have come and gone and new places have been explored.  But the load I carry has been pushing me to the limit.  I can't breathe, I can't think, I can't sleep.  I lay awake at night and wish things were different.  I think about the things I regret and the things I want to come to life. 

But through the pain and the suffering of the last year a lot of really GREAT things have happened.  I got tired of the person I was because that person is what everybody else wanted me to be.  I stopped listening to everybody else and started doing what I wanted.  I am finally starting to be the person I want to be.  There are still obstacles in my path but they are becoming few and far between.  I am starting to be at peace with myself at long last.  It has only taken almost 27 years to find that peace but it is starting to happen. 

I still have a lot of issues I need to work out but it will happen in the long run.  The debt is almost all paid off after this week, I will be left with only two bills and they will paid off this time next year, if not sooner.  No more loans or credit cards for me ever again after all this is paid off.  All cash from now on.  But gas prices are killing me they jumped between $3.79 and $3.85 in a matter of two hours.  I filled up Monday for $3.75 and it cost me $62.  I need a car and my savings is adding up so it won't be long before I can get a car. 

Well I'm unable to word the rest of my thoughts so I'm heading out for now.  Maybe tomorrow the rest will be easy to get out correctly.  Later!

Valentine's Day my foot...

So last week was an off week.  I felt alone and ignored because none of my friends were responding to the multiple calls and texts and comments left for them.  So I stayed away from Facebook as much as possible and when I was on my status's may have been a bit harsh.  But the real thing is I knew that V-Day was just around the corner.

Let's set the record straight I HATE or better yet LOATHE Valentine's Day.  I always have.  Could it be that I have NEVER had a good Valentine's Day?  I've either been alone pining for my Valentine, dumped by my fiance, or been married but not in love.  All these things lead to the hatred of the day of love. 

While yes the day has it's great points, such as...

• Chocolate
• Adding to my stuffed bear/animal collection
• and you guessed it more chocolate

It also has it's downers, such as...

• Being alone
• Flowers (which I'm allergic too btw)
• and yep Chocolate

This is one of those days where lonely women gorge themselves with Chocolate so that they feel loved.  The only thing I want for Valentine's Day is a simple "Hi, how are you? I miss you!" from a great guy.  I look forward to it every year and I haven't gotten it yet.  Hence the reason for no good Valentine's Day.  This year I was especially looking forward to it due to some really hard issues I am going through.  But then I realized I don't even need that.  While yes it would have been great, I realized that I don't need a guy to make me happy.  I just need to find the happiness inside me and let it show.

So this morning I donned my red tank top, jeans and a nice white dress shirt with belt.  I went to work and had a great day.  I came home and took a nap.  Then I watched Life As We Know It twice.  I listened to and posted some GREAT music (love songs coincidentally) to facebook.  I didn't let the day get to me.

Now I am ready to start a new day again tomorrow.

Another Year Come and Gone!!!

So while this year hasn't started out the best I have been thinking about the past year. Where did the year go last year. Not a lot happened for me at all, but let's find out where the year went.

• January: Well I started the year off in Germany. I got back to Utah for my nephew's birthday party. Let's not forget this is where the bulk of the doctors appointments start. Also celebrated my sister in law Tammy's birthday. Oh and let's not forget all the job hunting done.

• February: Let's see more doctors appointments. Took the census test in order to be a census worker. Didn't get the job. Lots of trips to school with Tammy as well.

• March: Brought more doctors appointments (imagine that). Celebrated another sister in law Andrea's birthday. Got to hang out with Debbie and her kiddo's on Simon's birthday. Lots of trips to school with Tammy. Oh and let's not forget the Relief Society Birthday Dinner.

• April: Was a crazy month Tim got to come home for Easter and wound up staying the whole month due to a volcano erupting and blacking out all of Europe. General Conference was happening as we were driving to Idaho (what a trip that was). Another visit to the doctors (only one this month...lol). We got our taxes done and did a lot of shopping that we shouldn't have. We spent 3 days in southern Utah camping and exploring. I also got a lot of bills either paid off or paid current (which was great).

• May: I started looking into going back to school which included more paperwork. Spent some time with my friend Debbie and talking to old friends I had lost contact with via the internet. For once no doctor's appointments.

• June: What a crazy month. I started the month with doctor's appointments. I celebrated my birthday with the in-laws and Debbie's family. Then I got to spend a wonderful stress free weekend with my friend Ben in Mississippi and New Orleans. I moved to Debbie's house for a week when I decided to move back home. That week was crazy busy though. I had one last doctor's appointment, a free dinner, a Relief Society dinner, a bridal shower and did some babysitting. After getting home to Pennsylvania I spent a lot of time with a friend Sirena. I had a Graduation Party and a birthday party for people from church.

• July: Really started the job hunt. I had several interviews as well. We also had a 4th of July party (it was actually a 9th of July party). I worked through some of the issues I was facing.

• August: This was another crazy month. It started with the Mattocks Family Reunion. Had a few interviews. There was also the Ketcham Family Reunion. That was just the first week. The next week there were more interviews, Aunt Brenda flew in and there was a family picnic at Grandma's. We spent the next week at Holden Beach, NC soaking up the sun. When we got back I started working for Usborne books and more, I was an extra in a movie, had my first book party and started working at the New Brighton Public Library.

• September: Was full of work and funeral's. I had several book shows to get me started. My friend Sirena's grandfather passed away as well as my friend Melissa's father this month. Oh and the jeep broke down and needed a new engine. So it was a very odd month with all the strange deaths and working both jobs while sharing a car with mom.

• October: Was Halloween :) my favorite holiday. I did a lot of work at the library and had a lot of parties with Usborne. I also had my first book fair for Usborne. I worked on paying off some debts and hung out with friends as much as I could. Oh and I finally made it in to get my hair cut.

• November: I started the month out with a couple parties. Mostly I just worked this month. It was different being home for Thanksgiving. Nothing has changed much there since I left.

• December: Well there was work as usual. But there was also Christmas and birthday's. There was dad and grandpa's birthday a few days before Christmas. I headed to Kendrew's for Ben's first night in town with Sirena and we just kind of chilled. Brenda and all the Gruber cousins were home. We had the usually Christmas Eve party. Christmas day was crazy with everybody around. Sirena and I headed to the movies in Ohio to see RED (great movie). New Year's Eve morning I spent with Ben and then spent the rest of the day running back and forth to the store.

• But then the new year started and it didn't start good at all. I woke up at 6:30 on New Year's Day to the pouring rain and texted Ben goodbye. I fell back to sleep and woke up in a deep depression, needless to say I spent the day sleeping for the most part. Sunday I woke up and my eye was completely swollen shut due to a freaking Sty. I had that all week and it finally cleared up last night. But now I'm onto being sick to my stomach. What next? But I have an appointment Monday for a possible bookfair and have a whole week off this month. I'd really like to go see Ben before he goes to Germany but I don't think that will happen as I don't have the money. I'm going to work hard to get past the aweful first week of the year.

• As you can see the last year was pretty boring in the beginning but wound up getting better once June showed up. Now I am moving onto the next chapter of my life. This year will lead to filing for divorce as well as starting to pay off more debts. I have lots of goals for this year and I can't wait to start working on them. I am ready to move on from the drama that has been my life the last year and a half. I am ready to get past the mistakes I've made and there have been many. The first and most important goal is to get all the debts paid off (4 left) so I can get a car, move out again and get a phone that works. Those are just a few of the major goals.

• I guess that is all for now. It feels so good to get that all out in the open. I haven't wanted to mention the divorce because it was kind of a sore subject for a while. No not because it's the wrong choice but because I was getting pissed off about some stuff it involved. Now that is all for today's blog. I will do better of posting now that it is out in the open.